"L" is for Liar

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by witzend, Aug 4, 2008.

  1. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    So, last I posted in detail, Missy L was working a temp job, had lived in an apartment by herself for three months, then as a roommate with someone for a time (I'm unsure how long), and we saw her on Mother's Day when she told husband that she was back at much old boyfriend's house for the 4th time in four years.

    Several weeks later, she came by the house with a dog that she and MOBF had gotten. A well trained hunting dog. I asked her whether her temp job was going to be permanent. She said "yes", then she said "no". I asked why. She said "The insurance isn't good enough." I knew then that she was out of work. Just to remind you, her dad pays her health insurance, her car insurance, her cell bill, her car payment, and gives her a $700 a month cash allowance. He and I talked around April, and I told her he had to stop if he ever wanted her to grow up and be self sufficient.

    She pretty much stopped calling me around the time before Mother's Day. I called her from time to time, but she never answers the phone. I texted her from time to time, and she did reply.

    Last week, I called and left a message with MOBF that she should call. Nothing important. I then texted her to ask where my friend and I should go to dinner in her old neighborhood. She called me back on Tuesday or Wednesday, and I was busy outside, so I told her I would call her back. When I did, I could tell from the echo that she was in her bathroom at home. She spends a lot of time in front of the mirror. I asked her what she was doing, and she replied that she was at work. :wince: I let it slide. We talked for a while about my plans for my friend and I, which was going to a Farmer's Market at 3:45 for a demonstratin, then dinner. She made some restaurant suggestions.

    Finally she says "I don't understand, Mom. Are you asking me to go along with you, or do you just want a recommendation for a restaurant.?" I said "You can't come with us. You'll still be at work." :raspberry: "Oh", she says.

    I got a little ticked off that I knew in my gut that she wasn't working. I talked to her dad. She hasn't been working for about 4 months. He's not happy that she hasn't been in contact with me, and he's not happy (but not surprised) that she has been lying about work. I asked him to bear in mind that if she is lying to me that is about her, not about me, and he agreed.

    He is on vacation, and has already written a set of guidelines for a talk (so he says) he is going to have with her when he gets back. He is going to tell her that she has until March on her 26th birthday to be on his dime. I told him that I felt that it would be just as hard - if not harder - on him to tell her "no" when she calls to ask for something as it will be for her to do anything about becoming self-sufficient. I suggested that he remember that there are clinics out there for every day health care issues, including Planned Parenthood for birth control. I agreed that if there were a catastrophic health matter that it would be reasonable for him to pay what he felt comfortable with, but otherwise he needs to be prepared to encourage her to find her own way.

    So, I'm still looking for the prepared list of things to say when they call asking for money, etc., so I can pass it along to him. I honestly think he will cave the first time she wants money for something. I mean, he told me that he was getting letters to her at his home from the county courts. She had multiple parking tickets and hadn't registered her car tags when they expired. She let them go so long that they had turned into warrants. He's an attorney. His reaction was to "take her by the hand down to the courthouse to pay them." ie: he paid them. His point was that he couldn't trust her to just give her the money to pay the tickets, because she would have bought a purse instead. It didn't occur to him to let her suffer the consequences, or earn the money to pay the tickets by doing odd jobs for him. He's got a long journey ahead of him.

    Honestly, I feel badly for her in this. He has not done her any favors by paying for everything since he let her get her first apartment when she dropped out of high school at only 16.5 years old. Between him and her MOBF letting her move back in every time she loses a job (after having kicked her out each time she gets a job) she has no concept of how to be an adult and take care of herself. I told her dad that I imagined that we would be seeing a lot more of her in March because she wouldn't have money to go out and would be hanging around for dinner and drinks at that point.
     
  2. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    The lying never gets easier to take. My Oldest recently called me with a big story about how she was quitting her job (a bartender at a strip club), how she wantd me to know she was "doing it right" this tim e...2 weeks notice, has $400 saved up, etc. She then called Youngest to tell her tht she'd quit her job with no notice, had no money and was short on rent, and that she'd lied to me so NOT to tell me (and Youngest, my little snitch, called me of course).

    I suppose she thought she was avoiding a lecture .. but at this point, it's par for the course with her. Youngest told me she thinks Oldest lied so that when she becomes destitute again, I'll help her, thinking she really tried this time. Food for thought.

    Anyway.. I have no solid advice, just saying I hear you, loud and clear. I'm glad you and her dad are able to discuss it and somewhat work together.. even if he doesnt always do what YOU would do (Oldest has a suspended license, I wont pay her tickets.. so I'm with you there).

    I just saw that list recently, I know... hmm will have to look.
     
  3. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

  4. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Thanks, WG, I am going to bookmark it. Looking at the list, it seems like you have to admit that you don't know all of the answers or how to fix everything. Wish me luck trying to get him to do that!
     
  5. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Witz

    It has to be frustrating to watch him always giving in. I hope he gets it soon.

    ((hugs))
     
  6. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Ugh. Good luck with this. The sad part is, he created a monster out of YOUR daughter, too. That part is hard for me to swallow. (ok, not a monster, but you know what I mean...)

    Hugs.
     
  7. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    This man needs to be beaten with a stick or a tree trunk........

    Honest to Pete - it is NOT hard to see where your daughter gets the L in LIAR from. She's watched a pro for YEARS. First with what he did to you and now with himself.

    Loved the "call" on the "Well Mom do you want me to go to lunch with you?" - no dear you'll be at work! CLAP CLAP!!!!!!

    I guess I would have to ask your x - at what age DOES she get to grow up?

    Sorry Witz - I know you love her, but what a putz is that x of yours. I'm just trying to LEARN detachment 101 and follow examples and advice and this man must need Mr. Magoo glasses to see the truth. Dang skippy!
    :smug:
     
  8. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I agree that she's a monster. Or at least has a monster that she lives with, if you know what I mean. I first started giving him the detachment talk about 4 years ago. I know for a fact that he has a girlfriend that wants him to stop giving her money. Big surprise, huh? Not much more of a surprise that L doesn't like the girlfriend much.

    it's just more of the same. It's saddening that she is so dependent upon him and can't just be her own woman. All we want for our kids is to grow up and be happy. So far she has neither. If he will just give detachment at try, maybe she has a chance. She's really got potential. She just doesn't see the need to be the wonderful person she could be. It's very sad.
     
  9. WhymeMom?

    WhymeMom? No real answers to life..

    Hope her fairy godmother shows up on her 26th birthday, cause she's losing her sugar daddy........Can you suggest that he "wean" her off......stop paying for cell phone now and suggest she just use one with minutes that you pay as you go......then in two weeks say learn how to get a bus pass? cut out gas money for car.....Yeah, probably the fairy godmother has a better chance of showing up????? It's hard to stand by and watch this happen, but hoping her dad eventually gets that he's not doing her any favors.......
     
  10. Stella Johnson

    Stella Johnson Active Member

    Well I hope he follows through. Sounds like they both have some "growing" to do. He's not doing her any favors.

    Why does her boyfriend kick her our when she gets a job?

    steph
     
  11. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I don't think he will cut off the cell phone. It's a part of his plan, and he does a lot of talking on his phone because he has no home phone. He pays for her 1/2 sister's as well. He feels comfortable making that payment because that's how they stay in contact, so I doubt he will ever stop that one.

    I can only guess as to why the boyfriend kicks her out whenever she gets a job. Their relationship is sort of like a series of really long dates that she doesn't go home from, if you know what I mean. They date, he takes her to his house, then she just stays because he has to go to work and she doesn't. He has not intention of committing to her or anyone else at this point in his life, if ever. He either kicks her out because he thinks she is capable of taking care of herself, or he kicks her out because she acts more demanding and in charge because she's contributing to the relationship. I mean, if L ever had to buy a meal for him, I would imagine that she would feel like she had made a major contribution to their lives that he owed her for.
     
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