lack of communication and difficult child melts down

[Jena]

hi

so, i've asked for about 4 years now for husband to communicate to me the days events and not just his ex wife. of which he'll text in the a.m. and get kids schedules talk about how "they'll" manage thru day yet me who lives here gets zero info.

pisses me off to no end. soo sick of it. yet years prior difficult child is never here so its' not a big deal.

yet now she is. so today we have a tough back to back schedule of tutors. she hates science and math only tutor that is two hours long and she just can't seem to stay focused within that time frame.

so husband tells me today while first tutor is here his kid has half day today and has to get her. again no heads up. i said well if she can sit in den or in their bedroom than it'll work. house is small. so he says ok i'll go get her and pick up lunch for kids on way back that difficult child can eat on her break between tutors.

so, he leaves runs late. p.s. returns with-step kid and no lunch. line was too long and i gotta go to teacher conference with-his ex wife. why he goes with-her i dont' know either. i've been doing seperate teacher parent past ten years since my divorce.

his kids are fixated on mom and dad getting back together even though mom's gay why would they go together hmmm i guess same reason why he still texts his ex wife and she texts him constantly. supposedly about kids. like the one on our wedding night honeymoon, when we landed. oh dont' get me started lol.

so difficult child flips out because number 1 step kid is here and now she wants to play with her, had no heads up that this was our schedule today so she's really mad.

also he tells her i'll bring you lunch yet shows up with nothing due to lines and than states i gotta go. p.s. didn't know he was going to parent teacher conference.

best is he plans on leaving step kid here with me. while tutors are here. no way i said. she doesnt' listen to me much as of late, and i dont' need to sit in my room with-dog's and her while he sits with his ex at a conference.

so i'm ****** and sooo tired of him not getting i need communication. i have told him several times repeatedly very nicely you have to let me know what the plan is for the day especially now with difficult child home. does he listen? no ofcourse not.

even days he'll have switched at work which affect difficult child due to his kids not being here he gives me maybe a few hours notice or night before. does ex know ahead of time. ofcourse she does.

soooo aggrivated right now i could scream. so difficult child is flipping out i calmed her down somewhat. she's threatening to walk away from the tutor when he shows up i told her do what you want. it's either this or 7 to 3 in school 5 days a week which we both know you arent' ready for.

thanks for letting me vent it was either this or screaming. this seemed like the more logical approach

 

[Marguerite]

I'd have put stepGFG in the car and dropped her off with her parents. Where she belongs. They can sort out which one takes her on.

You deserve to know your routine and not have surprises, especially when it's stuff he knew. He also has to follow through on ALL his responsibilities. If he says he will buy lunch, he has to ensure they get fed. If lines are too long, he has to make other arrangements.

Next time he drops something like this that is not acceptable, make him solve the problem himself, even if it means he has to keep stepGFG glued to his side. You cannot babysit the girl, it's not fair on her and it's not fair on you. He has her for this time to spend time with her; not to dump her somewhere.

As for him texting his ex, that is not the problem. It is his failure to communicate at least as well, if not better, with you that is the problem. Maybe you should ask him to either ensure he either sends copies of tests to you, or sends you a similarly informative text. Your aim is not to spy on his communications, but merely to be kept informed of the demands on his time and energies, so you won't ask him to do anything that he can't fit in. He can choose, but he has to keep you informed. And make it clear - you WILL take stepGFG to him and dump her on him, next time he is left with you and he is not around. And do it.

Marg

 

[Jena]

the one brave soul who answers my post LOL.

marg i did i told him TAKE HER. not happening. so that's what he had to do took his kid and sat with-kid and ex at school conference than picked up lunch for difficult child on way back. said i'm sorry because she threw it on me in the a.m. i said oh well than i guess it's up to you to stop jumping and tell her no sorry cant' do it i have a life.

 

[HaoZi]

I would have been finding myself "unavailable" for any unscheduled (read: uncommunicated) changes. i.e. "Sorry, we're doing our tutoring at the library/in the field/local museum/whatever today, so we won't be here when you get back with her. You'll have to find something else to occupy her."

 

[Marguerite]

I think you need to make it clear to both husband and exwife (surely you can text her too? Nicely? If it's about organising your lives around her kids) that if she drops something on him at the last minute, she's also dropping it on your at the last minute and it is not always going to work out to the best advantage of HER KIDS. It is not fair to HER CHILD to be left, dumped on you, while they do parent stuff together in the luxury of a kid-free zone. I have done the parent-teacher thing often, with all my kids there because I wasn't going to dump them on someone else and if I had to put up with them, so did the school.

On top of that you have your hands full with difficult child's education and it was a particularly challenging day. I laid down firm rules for the family, and this includes husband (and all other kids when they still lived at home) - during school hours, do not disturb us. If you want something done as a favour you may ask and it if is convenient, I will try to help. But not at the expense of my son's education. I have been known to stick notes on the door "DO NOT DISTURB UNTIL 3PM UNLESS YOUR LIFE DEPENDS ON IT" and to put the phone on to messages only. husband will tell you - if he has a day home from work and it is a school day for difficult child 3, he has to stay below our radar. In his own home. But he's generally happy to go tinker in his garage. But he knows, parenting is a team effort, and sometimes when I've already got something covered, I need him to keep back for a while. And he does.

Another option you can try in such a circumstance - tell your husband that this particular day, difficult child has to go visit the tutor for a change and not have the tutor at home. Then arrange to meet the tutor somewhere different. It's good for difficult child anyway, to get out of the house occasionally. We've done lessons at the beach (not possible for you right now); in the rainforest; in the car at the mall. In the car at the park. \It mightn't be as good, but it's got to be better than you had.

If difficult child needs your undivided attention during school hours (or at least, possibly might need you to be available) then you cannot have other responsibilities dumped on you. Especially not someone else's responsibilities. Especially not at less than zero notice (he failed to follow through on his obligations which you had counted on him for - he dropped the ball big time. You ALWAYS ensure your kids are fed, before you eat a bite). I'm sure ex-wife would get this, if you put it in terms of "your child's needs are not being properly met this way because my husband is not keeping me informed, and with my responsibilities I can't always be there to pick up the slack when he drops the ball."

She was married to him too. I'm sure she will know EXACTLY what you mean. And if/when husband comes back at you for daring to criticise him, ask him where you got it wrong. Then if he is still unhappy but can't find anywhere that you got wrong, tell him it is up to him to make it work. it is not up to you. You have enough balls juggling in the air already, thank you.

As for me being brave enough to respond to you - yes, I know you're prickly at times. It is understandable. It's OK. I think I would be absolutely furious!

Marg

 

[Marguerite]

HaoZi - great minds! I forgot about the library - it is a very logical and valid alternative venue. And you could still be generous and take stepGFG too, as long as she can lose herself in the shelves on the other side.

And if stepGFG whines about not getting to do what she wants - frankly, I don't blame the kid. She's not being treated fairly by her father in this. By her mother either, if she expects dad to always jump when she says frog. Not fair on the girl at all, but it's not your responsibility to make it right for her. I know she's a brat, but his behaviour is not doing a darn thing to change that. It's just giving her valid reasons for complaint. It's also going to make her all the more resentful of you and again, that is not fair.

Just another thought on my suggestion that you make your own communication connection with exwife - if husband gets upset by this, ask him if he is jealous, scared you are exploring your closet homosexuality... go ahead, go play and have fun with him! [hey, I'm feeling wicked...]

Marg

 

[Jena]

prickly?? LOL that's an excellent definition of me. prickly that is much better than nasty.. i think i've been fairly well behaved past 6 mos even though i want to pull my hair out and scream really loudly.

 

[Marguerite]

You've been extremely stressed at at times very unhappy over the last six months, but yes, despite it all you have managed to be remarkably well behaved under the circumstances. As I said - understandable. It's been a bad year for both of us.

Hang in there.

Marg

 

[Jena]

we ALL deserve a much better one!!! heres' hoping!! and as far as texting his ex can't do it. it's kinda an ongiong thing that i have to accept will never change and simply frustrate. she says jump he says how hi. it's how it goes. aggrivating to all hell i can't change the dynamic been trying to for years guess all i can do is cope better. it's just crazy at times how i get zero heads up on anything at all. there are days i wanna bang my head into wall.

oh and it happened again last night. i see the kids bags. he ususally drops them off by mom's house early in am. than heads to gym and work. their clothes are in bag for next day. i say why do they have their clothes? oh ex had a doctor's appointment so i'm bringing them in the a.m. to school. oh i say i guess you forgot to tell me that also?? he says yea big deal?

p.s. all sorts of craziness last night because didnt' have enough room for all kids to sleep. difficult child was in our bed till 2 a.m. with me watching videos on line while he slept. early in a.m. their all up so my days' starting alot earlier i get up to make all kids blueberry pancakes, than i blow dry step daughter's hair because he's a guy and would send her with wet hair to school.

so round and round we go. yea i could of say screw them and you and stayed in bed. yet that's not me. will never let kids suffer for his stupidity