Last night was a very long one.....

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Mom2oddson, Jun 9, 2011.

  1. Mom2oddson

    Mom2oddson Active Member

    First, you need to understand that husband is a very passive person, not passive-aggressive, just passive. He has always had a hard time being the bad guy. That was my job, but recently, I've been making husband do it especially where his kids were concerned.

    So..... yesterday I took Grandma to the casino because I promised to. As I'm sitting there, I get a call from Ant saying "I'm at the volkswagon dealer, I need you and Dad down here now to sign papers, Dad promised"..... Hummmmmm??????? What??....

    Called husband...."I promised to help"....Me: "Are you out of your mind!!??"

    Left the casino and went home to have it out with husband. First, we can't afford it!!! Hello.....we can't even get a loan to put gutters on the house because we have too much debt and you want to add more??? And what kind of car? How much?....

    Turns out the kid wants a 2007 Jetta! Now I'm really angry. All of our vehicles together including husband's motorcycle don't equal what Ant's loan is going to be. And .....Duh...husband, just last week, you refused to let my take Ant off the cell phone plan because he couldn't handle a cell phone bill and now you want to help him with a car loan????????

    And there was the "Why didn't you talk to me about this first???" ....."Well, when Ant called I told him we'd go talk to XXX (My dad's friend who owns a used car dealership) and see what he says".....

    "Let me get this straight...You said "let's go discuss this and see how it works out" and Ant goes ahead and does this $15,000 loan thing without talking to you first?? Ummmm, I think that's BS."

    So, after an hour or more of discussions, husband calls Ant and says "No deal". Ant went off on husband...He's not going to drive any car that he doesn't love and how dare us and on and on.... then he called again and went off more, and repeated that again.

    Ant poked the bear one time too many. husband told Ant "We don't OWE you anything!!" Ant did apologize...

    And as of when I went to bed, Ant is going to see what he can get on his own. :sigh:
     
  2. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    While it can be nice to live with someone who is passive.....but not passive aggressive........it can also be a major pita where kids are concerned, especially difficult children.

    Does not seem that husband is quite on the same page with you concerning difficult child as yet, which makes it even harder. Maybe the response to not getting the car he wanted will be enough to make your husband stop and think instead of just going with the flow.

    Hugs
     
  3. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oldest got her first car from one of those used car dealers with "no money down, no credit check." Sure, she paid 21% interest, and ended up having the car repossessed when she missed just one payment, but ... it was her responsibility. It's what people with low income and no credit have to do. He can always go that route if you have those types of places where you live.
     
  4. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Poking the bear too many times is asking for trouble... Onyxx is finding that out.

    I agree that there is no way the kid should have a 2007 Jetta. To be honest - I got a 2004 Saturn, IN 2004, and it will be my ONLY new car - ever. they just depreciate way too fast. But I digress. My Dad did cosign - but then, I had paid him back for the two cars he sold me, so he knew I was a good risk.

    And I paid off the loan - in fact, it never did show up on his credit report - probably because I made all the payments. Never had a late fee. I paid it off 2 years ago. There is NO WAY I would be able to afford that payment now. $250 a month.
     
  5. Mom2oddson

    Mom2oddson Active Member

    Nope....he is feeling guilty because I won't let him help Ant. He seems to forget that my dad GAVE Ant a 5yr old sonoma that was in excellent condition. Ant sold it for $1,000. And let's not forget the kid doesn't have insurance and thinks the loan insurance is good enough. Even though insurance in Mandatory here!!

    I would have a hard time co-signing for easy child who has proved over and over to be responsible....Ant hasn't proved anything other than he still thinks he's entitled to whatever he wants.

    husband wants to co-sign a $5,000 loan (with Ant still having no insurance) and he's mad that I'm not willing to go along. I want Ant to go out and get "pre-approved" for whatever he can qualify on his own. I'm willing to go out and help him find whatever that car is.....

    I have to go home now to take care of Grandma. husband is there right now. He doesn't want to talk about this any more. He just wants us (me) to drop it. I keep telling, I can't drop it until it's a done deal. Meaning we are NOT co-signing.
     
  6. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    I think you are the voice of reason!!! I wouldn't co-sign, either. Sorry.
     
  7. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    What ever happened to - YOU work for the money - save it.....show me what you have saved from working - and We'll see about matching some of your funds? But YOU have to save for your car on your own.

    WOW - the day my parents co-signed for ANYTHING for me? Ole Scratch would be having ice cubes in his tea.
     
  8. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Wow. I think I'd be strangling my husband if I were in the same situation.

    Sadly, my stepdad........the one I think of as my Daddy........was the same way, especially with my youngest bro. Didn't do bro a bit of good either as he was full blown difficult child at the time. We never did get my step dad to stop......and when he passed away when I was 21......bro had a rude awakening because no one else on earth was going to fill step dad's shoes. Fortunately......bro eventually manned up and learned to stand on his own as a man.

    I never co-sign. Never. It could be the Pope himself asking and I'd still say no. Even with the most trustworthy person on the planet.......life happens, people lose jobs, people get sick or injured......and you're stuck with the bill. Nope.

    And I'm with Star........what's wrong with him working for the money and saving it and maybe working out some sort of agreement? Even I could live with a compromise like that one........if I could afford it. But maybe a compromise like that would let your husband feel like he's helping but he won't be in a lose/lose situation if difficult child doesn't hold up his end.
     
  9. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    You are going to have to make sure your husband realizes that you will NOT permit him to cosign. Sounds like your difficult child is doing a lot to put pressure on him, so you have to also or he will just go along. For me, cosigning evena $500 loan would be grounds for divorce. Because my husband is irresponsible with credit. We had times when I got collection calls for cards I didn't know we had. the very last time something with borrowed money happened I happened to open a piece of his mail that was a bill for over $500 that was for some stupid vitamins that he promised he would cancel a year before. He was hiding them in the trunk of the car because they came mail order every month for about fifteen times what a vitamin would cost in a store. I told him he would either do ALL the things I wanted or he was hitting the pavement. It was just months before I had learned of a couple of other things he had done. He had to go to four drugstores, four grocery stores, Walmart and Target, a privately owned mom and pop nutrition store and GNC and write down prices on FIVE multivitamins in each store - name, specific type (men's, seniors, whatever),exact nutrients and the amt of each nutrient in the tablet, number of tablets per day recommended, number of tabs in the bottle, and price. Then he had to figure up the monthly, quarterly and yearly cost of those and compare it to the cost of the stupid mail order vitamins. He was astounded to see that he could have gotten fifteen times the amt of vitamins, with more vitamins and more of each vitamin if he had gone to the most expensive place for them.

    It is one of the two times i have said that you will do this or I am GONE. With the kids. At the time we had more than ten years of marriage and I had never said it at all. So he did all I asked.

    You need to draw a line in the sand about this, because he does NOT need your signature to do this. So make sure he KNOWS exactly what it will cost him if he signs this. Whatever you say you will do, it MUST be something you will follow through on. Otherwise he won't ever follow you when someone is pushing him to do something that would hurt you/the family in some way.

    I would probably tell your difficult child that if he EVER asked his father for something financial worth more than ten bucks when I was not right there, in my right mind and paying attention, then he could expect to be cut off from this, tossed out of that and paying for this other all by himself. Again, it would be things that I would follow through on. I would do it to protect my marriage from my husband's passivity. Then husband could NOT blame it on difficult child when he didn't want to fight about it and gave in to difficult child. In fact, I did do this after husband told me he was talked into something or other that was unreasonable in the extreme. My difficult child is somewhat afraid of me because I always do what I say, no matter how creative it might be. Including if I said I would put mashed potatoes up your nose if you do that. (thank you did - he was sticking fingers full of snot in my lunch of mashed potatoes - about age four. He thought I wouldn't do it and was thrilled that it was grossing me out. He is 11 now and has yet to try me on anything I said I would do. I used a pea sized amt of potatoes and wiped it out right away. It was the shock value that Mom will NOT back down if she says that x is a consequence for y.

    So figure out what would motivate husband and difficult child each. Then use that to give them incentive to stop trying this behind your back.
     
  10. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    um..........twirls toe in the sand...........Can I talk to your husband by myself?........I'd like a Mazeratti. (ducks ugly stare)
     
  11. Mom2oddson

    Mom2oddson Active Member

    husband is finally on the same page as I am....at least about the co-signing. Ant will have to figure out how to finance a car all by himself. And I compromised, I will continue to keep Ant on our basic (no smart phone) cell phone plan as long as easy child is on the plan. Ant is very well behaved with his phone. I have a habit of disabling it any time there are additional charges on my plan until I am paid - with interest - for said charges. Only happened once.

    I don't feel sorry for Ant at all. Told husband that Ant is in this spot of having no car because of his OWN stupid choices! See, my Dad gave Ant a sonoma truck in Great condition!! It was worth $8,000. Ant sold if for $1,000. And then blew the money. His second car was a $500 beater that his uncle gave him. He showed about as much appreciation for that as the truck. So, maybe if he has to struggle to get a loan which means figuring out a way to get credit to get a loan, he might appreciate what he has. It's not going to be easy for Ant. He's a high school drop-out with a transcript of straight F's since 8th grade. He has court fines that he doesn't pay on time. He owes the school $300 in book fines that he doesn't want to pay. Yeah.... I can see the banks lining up to take him on as a client.

    And if Mr. Money-bags really needs a ride to his weekend job, I'm sure he has a few friends who would drive him for $20. It's cheaper than a taxi.

    Star - Mazeratti?? Really?! Wouldn't you rather have a Heritage or a Soft-tail instead?
     
  12. ThreeShadows

    ThreeShadows Quid me anxia?

    You must have my husband's twin. difficult child 1 was studying motorcycle mechanics in Phoenix. He had no reliable means of transportation because he traded in the FREE nearly new Ford Focus (pretty funny, an ADHD kid with a car of that name) for a used pickup. Pick up was a lemon.

    husband and I went to our therapist to hash out our differences re how to help our son. We left with the agreement that husband would help son get a motorcycle (duh, cycle school!). husband comes back from Phoenix, having made a large downpayment on a BRAND NEW Scion TC! and a large car payment for us. Son had "convinced" husband that it was too dangerous to drive a motorcycle in Phoenix.......where the motorcycle mechanics school happened to be!
     
  13. KFld

    KFld New Member

    glad you didn't co-sign! This reminds me of a few years back when my easy child daughter had a really nice VW Passat and decided that she wanted an Accura. She had just quit her job, had no money in the bank and went down to the dealer to look at Accuras. She called me to say she had just applied for a car loan and I started freaking out on her because she had no job!! She didn't ask me to co-sign, so I decided to step back and keep my mouth shut. I called my boyfriend laughing because I was sure there was no way in heck they were going to give this 19 year old with no job a loan. She calls me a few hours later and tells me it was approved!!!!!!! She gave them her last 4 paystubs, they took the Passat for a trade in and never even did an employment verification to see if she was still working.

    Luckily she is responsible enough and got a job and pays her loan, but what idiots at the bank don't do an employment verification, especially on a 19 year old????

    Maybe Ant will be just as lucky :)
     
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