Lothlorien
Active Member
Sorry...didn't catch that in your post. But you are right....it's okay to disagree, as long as it's done in a positive way. We are all here to help each other along.
kjs,
Something you said in your post really struck me:
Why are you still with this man when you have never felt loved by him? Maybe your husband is willing and able to do what he needs to save your marriage - but I'm doubtful. I suggest YOU go to counseling to figure out why you don't think you deserve to be happy. Because this guy obviously doesn't make you happy; he doesn't seem to care a bit about your happiness.
Vent as much as you need to. Read our advice and use what you want - thats what we're here for.
Genny
Something you said in your post really struck me:
Why are you still with this man when you have never felt loved by him? Maybe your husband is willing and able to do what he needs to save your marriage - but I'm doubtful. I suggest YOU go to counseling to figure out why you don't think you deserve to be happy. Because this guy obviously doesn't make you happy; he doesn't seem to care a bit about your happiness.
Vent as much as you need to. Read our advice and use what you want - thats what we're here for.
Genny
donna723
Well-Known Member
Kjs, you sound so much like me a few years ago, it's almost spooky!
Please, PLEASE, PLEASE don't take what I'm going to say the wrong way, OK? I know how much pain you're in right now and how your whole world has been turned upside down on you lately. But I really don't understand your answer to the therapist when he asked you what ONE thing would you most would like your H to do ... and you stated that you wanted him to be more involved with your sons school work? What about how he completely discounts your feelings, how he belittles and demeans you, how he continues to lie and denies his porn addiction/habit even in the face of written proof, how he lets you work yourself half to death and doesn't seem to care, how he hasn't even touched you in FOURTEEN YEARS!?!? And you said, "School work"? Maybe that's the reason the therapist asked you that question several times.
Your visit to the therapist sounds, almost word for word, like the ones my ex and I used to go to! He said he wanted 'less yelling' too! Less fighting. What he meant was that he wanted to deny the HUGE problems we never even discussed with the therapist and he wanted to continue on just as he had been, only with less interference from me and less 'fighting and yelling'! And I too tended to gloss over the HUGE issues that were really the problem ... like his alcoholism, his abusiveness, his violent rages, his infidelity ... because I still tended to blame myself and still kept thinking that it was MY fault somehow that he treated me that way. Truth was, I was embarassed and ashamed that he obviously thought so little of me, and I didn't admit it even to the therapist. I didn't share that with anybody! So we settled for "keeping the peace" and worked on that - fair fighting and all that - and of course, that didn't last for very long. It was simply putting a bandaid on the major problems, for the sake of "getting along" and "less yelling". PLEASE, don't you 'settle' too, just for the sake of keeping the peace!
And you too have some HUGE issues to deal with here and he seems to be in complete denial. You need to seriously ask yourself what you're getting out of this 'marriage' and why you are so desperately hanging on to what's left of it. I told myself that I was sacrificing myself, my own interests and well being, for my children, and I was willing to do that. But in truth, making that break was the best thing I ever did for them! When he was finally gone from the house, when all the conflict and all the fighting and his disruptive influence were finally gone and all was peaceful and quiet, the kids seemed so much more relaxed and happy and their whole world changed for the better. I only regretted that it had not happened sooner. It appears that you are getting absolutely nothing from this 'relationship' - nothing but heartache and conflict and tears, your confidence undermined and your sense of self-worth ruined. The unknown is a very frightening thing and sometimes it's so frightening that we are willing to put up with things as they are, rather than to make drastic changes. I won't presume to tell you that it's easy being on your own or that it's not frightening at first, but these things have a way of working themselves out and you will soon be AMAZED and how empowered you will end up feeling as your confidence in yourself returns! You deserve so much more than what you have been putting up with! PLEASE don't allow yourself to merely settle for 'keeping the peace'! You so deserve to be happy! And you just might find out that when all this is resolved, many of your sons issues will improve too!
Please, PLEASE, PLEASE don't take what I'm going to say the wrong way, OK? I know how much pain you're in right now and how your whole world has been turned upside down on you lately. But I really don't understand your answer to the therapist when he asked you what ONE thing would you most would like your H to do ... and you stated that you wanted him to be more involved with your sons school work? What about how he completely discounts your feelings, how he belittles and demeans you, how he continues to lie and denies his porn addiction/habit even in the face of written proof, how he lets you work yourself half to death and doesn't seem to care, how he hasn't even touched you in FOURTEEN YEARS!?!? And you said, "School work"? Maybe that's the reason the therapist asked you that question several times.
Your visit to the therapist sounds, almost word for word, like the ones my ex and I used to go to! He said he wanted 'less yelling' too! Less fighting. What he meant was that he wanted to deny the HUGE problems we never even discussed with the therapist and he wanted to continue on just as he had been, only with less interference from me and less 'fighting and yelling'! And I too tended to gloss over the HUGE issues that were really the problem ... like his alcoholism, his abusiveness, his violent rages, his infidelity ... because I still tended to blame myself and still kept thinking that it was MY fault somehow that he treated me that way. Truth was, I was embarassed and ashamed that he obviously thought so little of me, and I didn't admit it even to the therapist. I didn't share that with anybody! So we settled for "keeping the peace" and worked on that - fair fighting and all that - and of course, that didn't last for very long. It was simply putting a bandaid on the major problems, for the sake of "getting along" and "less yelling". PLEASE, don't you 'settle' too, just for the sake of keeping the peace!
And you too have some HUGE issues to deal with here and he seems to be in complete denial. You need to seriously ask yourself what you're getting out of this 'marriage' and why you are so desperately hanging on to what's left of it. I told myself that I was sacrificing myself, my own interests and well being, for my children, and I was willing to do that. But in truth, making that break was the best thing I ever did for them! When he was finally gone from the house, when all the conflict and all the fighting and his disruptive influence were finally gone and all was peaceful and quiet, the kids seemed so much more relaxed and happy and their whole world changed for the better. I only regretted that it had not happened sooner. It appears that you are getting absolutely nothing from this 'relationship' - nothing but heartache and conflict and tears, your confidence undermined and your sense of self-worth ruined. The unknown is a very frightening thing and sometimes it's so frightening that we are willing to put up with things as they are, rather than to make drastic changes. I won't presume to tell you that it's easy being on your own or that it's not frightening at first, but these things have a way of working themselves out and you will soon be AMAZED and how empowered you will end up feeling as your confidence in yourself returns! You deserve so much more than what you have been putting up with! PLEASE don't allow yourself to merely settle for 'keeping the peace'! You so deserve to be happy! And you just might find out that when all this is resolved, many of your sons issues will improve too!
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Marguerite
Active Member
I'm sorry it was so rougn. It was never going to be a bed or roses, but it is something you need to do.
If he continues to go, then hats off to him. But if he doesn't, you still need to go, because you need to re-lern how to be loved, how to love, and especially - how to argue constructively and positively.
I get the feeling that both you and your husband were each hoping the therapist would take your side against the other and try to talk some sense into the other. And perhaps you're disappointed that this didn't seem to happen. But think about it - regardless of what the therapist privately thinks, if there had been ANY indication of the therapist telling you to listen to husband, he has some genuine concerns and you've been neglecting him, I think you would have been out of that office so darn fast their heads would have been spinning. And similarly, if the therapist had said to husband, "Snap out of it, you useless big lump of protoplasm!"
Neither of thse was likely Occupational Therapist (OT) be on the table, and as a result, you and your husband are both, separately, likeoy to be feeling disappointed with the whole process.
I agree with the others who said that for a first appointment, it was most likely the therapist was letting you guys have your heads, to see how you argue and how you carry on. A good therapist from here will begin trying to apply the brakes and assert some quality control into the interactions.
Whatever comes from this, Kjs, you need to learn how to get what you want out of a relationship, without having to shout. Take away every possible criticism he could make, and present hi with a fait accompli - you've made your effort, where is he in all this? Whatever he does (either putting in an equal effort, or not) will show the therapist who is really trying to work things out, and who is aiming for a free ride and not wanting to make any changes.
The one who makes the changes, is the one who is most likely to have long-term success, in many areas.
I'm betting it's you. It would be nice if it's both of you, but one is better than none. And if it's you, it will stand you in good stead hereafter.
Otherwise, all you will do is keep making the same mistakes, and I'm sure you don't want to do that.
And of course you can keep posting, and talking about it. Why on earth not?
Marg
If he continues to go, then hats off to him. But if he doesn't, you still need to go, because you need to re-lern how to be loved, how to love, and especially - how to argue constructively and positively.
I get the feeling that both you and your husband were each hoping the therapist would take your side against the other and try to talk some sense into the other. And perhaps you're disappointed that this didn't seem to happen. But think about it - regardless of what the therapist privately thinks, if there had been ANY indication of the therapist telling you to listen to husband, he has some genuine concerns and you've been neglecting him, I think you would have been out of that office so darn fast their heads would have been spinning. And similarly, if the therapist had said to husband, "Snap out of it, you useless big lump of protoplasm!"
Neither of thse was likely Occupational Therapist (OT) be on the table, and as a result, you and your husband are both, separately, likeoy to be feeling disappointed with the whole process.
I agree with the others who said that for a first appointment, it was most likely the therapist was letting you guys have your heads, to see how you argue and how you carry on. A good therapist from here will begin trying to apply the brakes and assert some quality control into the interactions.
Whatever comes from this, Kjs, you need to learn how to get what you want out of a relationship, without having to shout. Take away every possible criticism he could make, and present hi with a fait accompli - you've made your effort, where is he in all this? Whatever he does (either putting in an equal effort, or not) will show the therapist who is really trying to work things out, and who is aiming for a free ride and not wanting to make any changes.
The one who makes the changes, is the one who is most likely to have long-term success, in many areas.
I'm betting it's you. It would be nice if it's both of you, but one is better than none. And if it's you, it will stand you in good stead hereafter.
Otherwise, all you will do is keep making the same mistakes, and I'm sure you don't want to do that.
And of course you can keep posting, and talking about it. Why on earth not?
Marg
