Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Last night
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 618921" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>I have a few tricks I used that helped me. I'll share them. Take what you want. Leave the rest.</p><p></p><p>1. Daughter could not talk to me about money or I was to get off phone or leave. Money was a taboo subject. Therefore, after she knew I meant it, she didn't call me so often, but, when she did, it was actually to converse and not to ask for favors.</p><p></p><p>2. Coming home was not an option. Once she accepted that, again she tended to call less often, but even if it was once a month it was to converse, not to beg, threaten or to scare me into doing it. Now it was a bit easaier for me because she was at her brother's place, but she could have easily ended up on the street for breaking one of his uber-strict rules. If that happened, she was still not going to be allowed home. She had to really believe me before she stopped the manipulating. </p><p></p><p>I have no idea if I'm right. She says I am, but who knows. I believe that her belief that nobody was going to ever bail her out again helped her decided to quit in the basement of her brother's house without rehab, and only her boyfriend beside her. She needed the wake up call that she could actually be out on the street or arrested and dad (burned her bridges there) and mom both would let her stay there.</p><p></p><p>Now some adult problem children don't mind being homeless. Some would prefer to not talk to us, to misbehave, to live in libraries and drug stores that are open 24/7, and to couch surf. They tend to have money...I have no idea how they get it and don't want to know...and they do eat. We can't make them care about the quality of their lives or what they are doing with their lives. But we don't have to listen to them beg us to dig them out of the holes they dig, all the while with them refusing serious help.</p><p></p><p>I once read a book called "The Mole People" about addicts who lived under the tracks in NYC. They preferred it to living in the real world, although it was terribly dangerous and made my skin crawl. I wondered, "Why?" </p><p></p><p>These people, and often our difficult children, do not value what we do...warmth, comfort and safety....and we can't make them. If they cared, they'd be soooooooooo motivated to change. WHEN they care, they WILL change. Not everyone does, but some do. But it is their choice, not ours. </p><p></p><p>I think you are doing well. Hugs <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 618921, member: 1550"] I have a few tricks I used that helped me. I'll share them. Take what you want. Leave the rest. 1. Daughter could not talk to me about money or I was to get off phone or leave. Money was a taboo subject. Therefore, after she knew I meant it, she didn't call me so often, but, when she did, it was actually to converse and not to ask for favors. 2. Coming home was not an option. Once she accepted that, again she tended to call less often, but even if it was once a month it was to converse, not to beg, threaten or to scare me into doing it. Now it was a bit easaier for me because she was at her brother's place, but she could have easily ended up on the street for breaking one of his uber-strict rules. If that happened, she was still not going to be allowed home. She had to really believe me before she stopped the manipulating. I have no idea if I'm right. She says I am, but who knows. I believe that her belief that nobody was going to ever bail her out again helped her decided to quit in the basement of her brother's house without rehab, and only her boyfriend beside her. She needed the wake up call that she could actually be out on the street or arrested and dad (burned her bridges there) and mom both would let her stay there. Now some adult problem children don't mind being homeless. Some would prefer to not talk to us, to misbehave, to live in libraries and drug stores that are open 24/7, and to couch surf. They tend to have money...I have no idea how they get it and don't want to know...and they do eat. We can't make them care about the quality of their lives or what they are doing with their lives. But we don't have to listen to them beg us to dig them out of the holes they dig, all the while with them refusing serious help. I once read a book called "The Mole People" about addicts who lived under the tracks in NYC. They preferred it to living in the real world, although it was terribly dangerous and made my skin crawl. I wondered, "Why?" These people, and often our difficult children, do not value what we do...warmth, comfort and safety....and we can't make them. If they cared, they'd be soooooooooo motivated to change. WHEN they care, they WILL change. Not everyone does, but some do. But it is their choice, not ours. I think you are doing well. Hugs :) [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Last night
Top