Latest part of our saga...

[toughlovin]

Well we have offered certain help to our son but not other.... basically we have offered to help him with rent but we will not buy him a car. We really don't want to buy him anything since in the past he has sold nice things he has had (specifically a really nice bike) for drugs. He is depressed and struggling. I got to a place where I feel I am offering help but it is up to him to move forward and take a step... I cannot do it for him and it would not help him if I did. I have to say Alanon has been a huge help to me in getting to this place.

So yesterday I recieved a call from the mother at the place his staying. The place he is staying is a mess.... drug use goes on there, it is just a mess. I have kept a relationship going with the parents there for the sake of my son but we are really on different planets. Anyway she called me and said my son really needs to move out of there, if possible today!! She said he is drinking some but not doing any drugs. I am not sure what she expected of me....maybe to come and pick him up and bring him home???I told her he could not come home for the sake of my daughter. That would not be good for him anyways. I said we told him we were willing to help out with rent, but not a car. I told her I would text him but really I had no idea what else I could do!!! By the end of the conversation she was all about how she cares about him and does not want to put him on the street.

So then I had a reasonable text convo with my son. He is now pushing for us to buy him another scooter... he left the other one in the state he was in rehab in.....in that conversation he said he was more clean up here than he had been down there because he can't get spice here so all he does here is drink some... and the parents where he is at buy him the alcohol. Hello??? So his argument is when he is on his own he won't have anyone to buy it for him. Well we all know that is a crock... if he wants it he wil find a way to get it.

I was proud of myself because I told him his sobriety is between him, his higher power and probation!! I realized I am not going to try and police his sobriety.... first of all I am in no position to do that, if he wants to use he will and will get around any checks I have on him so it is all rather pointless. Second it is really up to him, his sobriety is for his benefit not mine. Of course given that he is drinking I certainly don't think of him as currently being sober. But I just am not going there anymore.I told him we would help with rent but transportation is up to him. I did offer to give him my old bicycle (35 years old) with new tires etc. I guess if it is too far gone we would be willing to get him a very cheap bike. I also told him about another apartment complex which is 8 miles from his job... I think in his mind that is too far to bike!!! The conversation stopped when i said his dad rides more than that often and he is 56. LOL.

So I am kind of waiting for his next step. We want to help but we don't want to enable and it sure is a fine line. He is wearing out his welcome where he is at, and those people are enablers to the extreme. Of course they are also addicts and it makes sense that addicts will enable other addicts.

geesh.

 

[keista]

"Hello, Mrs Toughlovin? Could you please come get your son? He is just WAY to straight for us. I mean I'm GIVING the kid beer and he only has a few. He REFUSES to dope up with us, and he's becoming a real downer."

Sorry, I couldn't resist - I know a woman who has said similar things.

Strength out to all of you.

 

[Nancy]

I was thinking the same thing keista, but you put it in much better terms.

I can't understand these parents are so concerned for him that they want him out of there but continue to allow drug use in their home???

I won't give our difficult child her car either until she has a full time job and is proving she can stay sober in the more relaxed phase of the sober house.

Nancy

 

[toughlovin]

Keista,Thanks for the humor - I needed that. I mean really these people are ridiculous.....but I am not going to rescue them from their hard decisions either.

 

[CrazyinVA]

You did great. Your attitude about his sobriety is dead-on ... it's really up to him. Your offer to help with rent is more than generous.. he should be grateful.

My response to the other mother might have been: "You need him to move out? Shouldn't you be telling him that, not me? He's an adult, I'm not sure why you're calling me about it." I had to something similar years ago when some well-meaning friends let Oldest move in with them, and she never paid them a cent of rent. When they complained to me, I told them it was between them and her, and to leave me out of it.

Hugs.

 

[compassion]

I will not help my difficult child get a car/license until she has more stability/sobriety.
I have a 20 year old son who is badgering me non-stop for a motorcycle. I just wrote him that I will match dollar for dollar what he makes and for every hour he looks for a job. We did buy him cycles when he was 17 and he had two accidents and totaled that bike, got another cycle at age 19 that was more than the insurance money and the engine blew up, replaced that and then shipped it out to him when he had an out of state job last summer. It lasted one day. He had a job for 6 months and was not able/willing to save to get it repaired. It was toralled and we have set the boudnary now for nearly a year of not buying another motorcycle. He wants us to sell his Mustang and we refuse. The immaturity ad impulsivity can be a challenge to deal with. Compassion.

 

[toughlovin]

Little update - got a text from him there is a room in another town (paid weekly) but he would definitely need transportation. He might talk to them about staying where he is while he saves money for a scooter but they really want him out. Plus he would like to go to meetings as he thinks step meetings might help with his issues but again he needs transportation. Of course he knew damned well the idea of meetings would get to me... I mean hopefully he is dead serious but it also could be completely to manipulate us into giving him a scooter. I think it almost worked on my husband.... but not me. I texted him back, and said we would pay the rent until he had enough for the scooter, that I could check how far the place was from work, and that his dad and I would get him to and from meetings. That would be a royal pain but a sacrifice I am willing to make. The only way I will help with transportation is helping getting a very cheap used bicycle. I am getting stronger in the realization that he needs to WANT to move forward in his life and work for it, and he needs to WANT sobriety. We do not need to make these things easier for him any longer, they need to be doable but they don't need to be easy.

 

[DammitJanet]

I was going to ask what happened to the scooter. Why on earth did he leave it where he was? Why not at least sell it and give you back the money so he could buy another one when he got home? DUH!!!! Wasnt he going to need transportation there?

 

[toughlovin]

But he was coming up to live with his girlfriend who had a car and of course they were going to last and be together forever don't you know???? Dumb dumb dumb.

 

[Star*]

TL,

I know this is really sarcastic - but why don't you call the Mother at the house where he is staying and tell HER .......I have a deal for you "We will get him OUT of your house and pay for a place for him to live - but YOU have to come up with the money for a scooter for him in order to get him OUT of your house." That's the best I can do. Since Ms. I like to buy your kid beer, but I want him out of my house - feels the need to call you and have him out of her house. These are the games these jerks play - so play one back. Tell her you'll meet her half way - That should set her hair on fire. (and NO I would NOT do it myself) but you have to admit it's about as underhanded as HER buying a substance abuse kid beer and then calling his MOther and telling HER he's HER problem now. (assuming that she is buying him the beer)

That thought on the table? I wanted to tell you I think you are doing a fantastic job despite the overwhelming stress you are facing, and you still come here and help all of us - have kept a smile on your face and haven't lost the ability to be kind and loving. You're a remarkable woman! I hope you take time today to do something nice for YOURSELF. You deserve it. Don't forget that while you are running around doing all these things for everyone else - there is still YOU that needs a little TLC. You're worth it!

Hugs & Love
Star

 

[toughlovin]

Awww thanks Star!!! Funny i haven't heard from him in a couple of days.... no more about the room or anything. So he is either lying around doing nothing or figuring out something without me. I haven't heard any more from the mother.... I think she got my point that I am not solving this for them. He may be slowly getting that his dad and I really are no longer going to enable him. It has become crystal clear to me that it does not help him to make things easy for him.... he has to want to improve his life, which means he has to work at it and if that means riding an old rusty bike to get to work so be it. So I will help when it seems there is no other option... this is where helping him with rent comes in.... but if it is doable then he can do it... and there is some public transportation, there is his two own legs, and there could be a rusty old bike that works. That may not be easy but it is doable. My husband is on the same page, after a little calm prodding from me.

 

[AHF]

I say stick with the bicycle option. Be sure there's a helmet, and reflectors for night riding. Reliance on cars/motorcycles is a huge problem in so many ways, and the public transportation system most places doesn't help--but if it's less than 10 miles, he can bike there and get the exercise to boot. He'll feel better. He'll notice the world in a different way. And if he wants the scooter, he'll work for it.

 

[mrsammler]

My older son, a easy child at 24, nicest guy in the world but disorganized and doesn't keep his eye on the ball half the time in terms of the administrative side of his lifeto , was ticketed for driving with a suspended license and had to face living without a license for a while. He complained to me, by way of asking if I'd lend him the money to pay the big fine to restore his license (I wouldn't), that his job was 10 miles away and thus impossible to get to and from without a car. My answer? I bike 12 miles per day *for exercise*. At *twice his age*. He can get to and from work on a bike--it won't be easy, but whatever. It'll be great exercise, and it's summer time: enjoy.

It's like when a kid whines that a) he has no money and thus "can't do anything" or b) has nothing to do and is sooooo bored (read: I need a car, or a ride, or whatever), etc. My answer is always the same: I point at the bookcase, loaded with great novels, and tell them to "dig in--it's free, it's good for you, and it's fascinating."