Laws to protect us from our children?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Dun Haddit, Oct 2, 2014.

  1. Dun Haddit

    Dun Haddit Member

    Without going through everything all over again long story short all four of my stepchildren are severely mentally disturbed. Not only do we have a genetic component of mental disease or disability, we also have childhood trauma associated with living in the home with a very unstable mentally disabled person.

    Our middle son is only four years and eight months shy of an antisocial personality disorder diagnosis. Yesterday in therapy, once again trying to play the victim, he started crying and talking about how he missed that we used to do things together and hang out and travel to see my daughter up north.

    This boy has absolutely no qualms about referring us to CPS for abuse as retribution if he doesn't get his way. I am essentially a hostage in my own home. All four are so proficient in manipulation, they can make anyone unfamiliar with our situation, the children or myself, believe that I am the most horrible person in the world.

    My response to the therapist about the tearful plea of reunification, was to describe how it is living at home with terrorists. They all go out of their way to make everyone else miserable I'm living in what's tantamount to bullying abuse. I looked the doctor square in the eye and told him that if I could wear a go pro on my forehead and follow everyone around I could prove that absolutely everything they do is on purpose, deliberate and for the sheer pleasure of causing torture and misery.

    The doctor then looked at our son and asked him if what I was saying was true and he nodded his head and said yes. The level of sophistication all of these children have with their abilities to make me look like I'm the one who's crazy in trying to describe their behavior is absolutely fascinating. After he readily and nonchalantly admitted that this is what he does and does to me at the house, the oldest boy did as well.

    The last social worker we had visit us after a referral that they are forced to write sentences as punishment and eat quinoa for dinner if they are bad was convinced I was the evil stepmother, even with intervention from the therapist & psychiatrist.

    I'm living on eggshells because anything and everything I do is scrutinized to the point as to whether or not they can use it against me if and whenever they feel like it. If it makes any difference my husband feels the exact same way and if it weren't for paternal guilt (he feels it's his fault that they are so mentally disturbed because he did not get them away from that woman soon enough). This has put some strain on the marriage but not enough that I would be willing to divorce him but also far enough that there have been times he's considered relinquishing custody to the state because of their mental disabilities.

    I'm maxed out on my antidepressant, on high doses of anti anxiety medications and am conditioned to disappear from the time they get home till they go to bed. I avoid contact with them at all cost. I have indoor security video that would show what's going on. This is MY house. They moved in when we married, yet I loathe being there at times. I'm able to visit my daughter up north frequently, but all that does is put a bandaid over the severed limb.

    Does this qualify as dv? Elder abuse? The admission of it happening - can the therapist report it to anyone that could help and step in to stop it?

    Sent using ConductDisorders mobile app
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    If any of them assault you it would be GREAT to have video survellience in your house (crazy, I know, but sometimes needed) the police and if it's on video you have proof. They may remove the child, even if a minor. Beyond age 18 do not even consider letting these children live with you. If your husband does not agree with that, you may want to get into therapy so you can decide if you even want to stay married to him. He should in my opinion want to protect you from his children. They may be his children, but they are not normal children. They are dangerous.
  3. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    Personally I think the therapist should report it as abuse.
  4. Dun Haddit

    Dun Haddit Member

    Both my husband and I feel trapped. There have been 13 CPS referrals in less than 2 years. That seems to be the latest "go-to" retribution when we anger any of them, let alone the most troubled one.

    We are at our wits end. There has got to be a way to have the doctors and CPS sit in in a conference call and go over all the bs, flag it, somehow, that all the children are emotionally disturbed. I already told the therapist if they come again, they need to take the kids.

    I'm going to see if a Special Education lawyer might know a way to take that power out of the children's hands. We have all the surveillance tapes, full disclosure, hell they can move in and 'observe'...then and only then would they act like humans because they can no longer manipulate the situation.

    At school, all of them focus on who they might be able to manipulate. They are little angels with everyone else. The weak teacher(s) have the most problems, but not severe enough to warrant an fba for the other 3.

    I feel like I live in one of those countries where bombs, shootings, etc, are an everyday occurrence. How anyone could live in those conditions is beyond me, I can barely manage 4 sociopaths, let alone a country of them.

    This is taking a serious toll on my health.

    Sent using ConductDisorders mobile app
  5. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    Man, I would so be out of there. What is possessing you to stay. You're not their mother. I know you love your husband, but there is not enough love in the world for me to willingly stay in a situation like that.
  6. Dun Haddit

    Dun Haddit Member

    I'm not trying to be the martyr, and as horrible as they are, I can't abandon my husband and leave him with all this.

    I pushed him to get custody, but this was way before we knew how much damage had been done. The twins were programmed from the start to hate me and disobey. This has been proven and verified by the court and is on the record. The advocate we asked the court to allow to represent them has sent a letter to the supervisor, if/when visitation resumes with-her, that she cannot ask them questions, she can only play games. She's not allowed to whisper to them, either or they get yanked and visit over.

    I freely admit, had I known then, what I know now, I would not have do e it all over again. She's a chronic welfare and unemployment whore so we were paying almost $3k a month in support. Even when we had custody of the 2 older boys, before we got the twins, we still had to pay $1200 a month - that was a 50/50 split of the kids. Now, that seems like a bargain compared to the $5k a month in legal and court costs, co payments for specialists, medications, therapists and psychiatrists.

    There is that teeny tiny glimmer that maybe one will 'change'. Right now, it's not like it was 1 year ago. All the dr's are amazed at the 'work' I've done and how much I've helped, but my reply is always, 'at what cost?'.

    I never thought I would ever be in a position where I could willingly walk away and leave. Hell, when my own daughter got mixed up with-drugs, I kicked her out. 2years not knowing if she was dead or not was a cake walk compared to this. I had to get her out because she was robbing me blind, but she was also 16 and had friends to live with. Not a one of these kids have friends. Nobody lasts long enough. Once the facade is discovered, even their peers flee.

    My own family tells me to get out. His family is oblivious. He only has 1 sister even in the state, her answer is they need church. We can't let the wolves in the sheep pen. I know that the least amount of what I say is even believable, I always seem to look like the crazy person, it's so insane to think children can be like children if the corn, the bad seed or Damien in real life. We could never put them in a youth group, they'd eat everyone alive.

    Part of me stays because I can at least try to be a buffer and if there are any friends or other people, try to ensure the least amount of damage is done....but everyone thinks I'm blowing it out of proportion until BOOM! The true being emerges.

    After the girl was 5150'd, we thought there was a breakthrough. Then biovagina appeared at their therapy and everything good was destroyed again. The programmed child re emerged, she started palming her medications again (another court documented fact she tells JUST the twins to stop taking them).

    Now anything we may label as progress is on the brink of collapsing - she got a job and will now be able to pay the monitor for visitation....JUST the twins. She doesn't give a crap about the boys, never did.

    I know that doesn't answer any questions, may even make more. I can honestly say that I do love my husband, cliche or not, I'd take a billet for him.....I just keep getting shot over and over. The thought of him alone with them is the most compelling. I wouldn't wish this on an enemy, least of all someone I love. I guess supporting him (to a degree) is the main part.

    If you had the chance to help someone out of a pit, but it meant living like the Middle East or watch them be eaten alive as slowly as possible - this is the what would you do situation. The best we could hope for is conservatorship that keeps them hospitalized or something as drastic. I don't want to be that person who unleashes a plague on the world. Just K alone would do damage....all 4? They have a pack instinct, too. I can't help but compare with animals, their behavior is so feral.

    I can't tell you how much this place has helped. I'm not alone, I can vent and at least a little more of my woes are believable. I'm not crazy. But I'm also the only one who really knows and can read them. I can stay neck & neck at times, I can almost know what they think, try to head things off. That's why I was shocked K admitted everything to the therapist. As much as he has witnessed I know he still doubts the capacity of damage that can be done. No one will ever fully believe that some people have no redeemable anything to them.

    Sent using ConductDisorders mobile app
  7. nlj

    nlj Well-Known Member

    I would have left a long time ago.
    No man is worth this abuse from his children.
    I couldn't continue with the marriage if he expected me to live like this.
    So the kids may think they've 'won' if you leave. Who cares what they think. Reclaim what's left of your life. If your husband truly loves you then he can choose to try and maintain a relationship with you in your own home outside of his children's circle of abuse.

    Just my opinion obviously. Horrible, ridiculous situation.
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Nothing could make me stay either. Agree that no man is worth risking savings/health/life. Your family loves you, which is why they think you should leave. With your husband's attitude and his family's head in the clouds, I really doubt there is much hope that all four of these kids can be kept in line.

    You are putting yourself in harms way for a man. No man is worth your life. I don't care how much you love him right now. It's not enough. I highly suggest reading a great book that helped many of us "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie (I always spell it wrong, but the book will come up if you contact Amazon or even if you just put it in the search engine). In my opinion, you need help and therapy. This situation is beyond the norm and could actually end up with somebody dead. That's the extreme of it, but these are not your normal, loving stepchildren. And it's not just bio. mom's fault. Your husband abandoned them, for whatever reason, and apparently it is too late to change them into empathetic people.

    Run, run, run. Loving a man is not an excuse to put your own quality of life in danger. They could lie that you abuse them and you could end up in jail if they are great liars, like most antisocials are. You in my opinion should risk that, even if this man is the only man you'll ever love. You need to love yourself more than him.

  9. Katherine61

    Katherine61 Running on empty

    From one mother to another, our judicial system doesn't work. I ask a police officer in my home town to please talk to my 15 year old son about cruelty to animals. To let him know it is a crime. I was told by the officer that they don't want to scare children, they want them to know that the police is their FRIEND. Really please, They're not their friend when these children go and commit a crime. Then they want to blame the parents.
    I agree with MidWesternMom, if you can afford to, place hidden cameras. You can find some on ebay at a good price. Then if your husband still wants the children in the house, there has to be help for all.
  10. 2much2recover

    2much2recover Well-Known Member

    Yes it does qualify as domestic violence, yes, the emotional/mental abuse and now Domestic Violence centers are offering counseling to parents who are victims of Domestic Violence and I suggest you give them a call and see if you can get some counseling to get yourself sorted out to the whats and hows that you can do to put your foot down to this type of abuse. I think it would help you to have someone on your side who sees things for what they are. It sounds like all the professionals you are paying for don't want to get the situation - they definitely should be able to see that you are being mentally/emotionally abused and yet they say nothing to you about that??? Sounds like they are a little cray-cray themselves in my opinion; or just maybe they really have no answers, which in that case I wouldn't be paying THEM anymore and I would be looking for NEW therapists that are able to grasp the severity of the whole situation, and are willing to treat the WHOLE family including the ugliest parts, the behavior of the children.
  11. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    What if after all of this, he winds up leaving you after all the children are grown up and out of the house? I have heard so many stories of this happening. Just picture yourself writing in a forum 10 years from now saying:

    "I helped raised his out of control kids, was abused by them, had to through courts, cps and went through pure hell because of his kids, and my husband is now deciding to leave me. Had I known then, what I knew now, I would never have put myself through that especially just to get abandoned in the end. Those years are now lost in space".

    You've already went through this, and yes he helped you with your difficult child, but your difficult child is an adult, very temporary situation. Did anyone help you raise him like you are helping raise his kids, which is more than one by the way? Please don't take my advice as harsh. Obviously I care about you enough to offer a different perspective because I don't think you deserve this. Just something to think about.
  12. dayatatime

    dayatatime Member

    Have you asked CPS what they can do to help? I don't have as much experience with them as you do but I've had 2 cases and both where good experiences. I have, basically, a PR package prepared for new case workers who pass through (my difficult child doesn't last in any program for long so there are constantly new people)…. The most effective has been a list of various treatments I have tried with all the mental health professional's phone numbers, etc. For my first case I had people write letters of support and those seemed to to have a big influence on the case worker-- demonstrating that I had a network of support. I had my therapist call the last CPS worker and try to talk to her about how she can help me. I couldn't ask for my difficult child to be removed from my house but I could ask him to ask. What they had to offer was a voluntary placement, which I decided against because it seemed too potentially dangerous for my kid (too likely he would run away). My point is, it has helped me a lot to see myself as on the same side as the CPS people.

    I agree with others that I would not stay in your living situation-- if the kids can't be removed, I would remove myself. I stayed in an abusive marriage for 13 years. The one thing I've learned is that it doesn't benefit anyone for me to let abuse happen to me-- it isn't even good for the perpetrator, which, in your case is/are the kids. The best thing you can do for everyone involved is demonstrate behaviorally what the appropriate response to abuse is…. and the appropriate response is to prioritize safety then let the rest of the card fall where they may.
  13. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Here is what I would do.

    I would make sure I had physical, written documentation of all the reports you have from doctor's, therapists etc about how these kids are lying and abusing the CPS system.

    Then I would NEVER let the kids hold me hostage with that threat. Tell them to call..go ahead. When the worker gets there, have their suitcases packed. I seriously doubt they want to haul off 4 very seriously disturbed kids because they dont have any more of a clue how to deal with them than you do. If they do take them, well vacation time. They will be back soon enough.
  14. Bertmery

    Bertmery Member

    so sorry you are having a rough time right now :( but, wow, that takes a lot of courage to stay in that situation, if i we're you, i would left a long time ago. i agree to them, i know you love your husband but you cannot live in that situation. everyday will only wreck you.