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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 436727" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>AHF, </p><p></p><p>Hi and welcome back. You know the saying "you can't have your cake and eat it too?" Well you can't go out of the country and enjoy yourself, fix your son, kick him out, and keep in contact, fix his life......and be okay with it all just a little. Pretty much, and sad to say the timing is NEVER going to be 'right' to detach from a child that needs TOUGH love. I mean would it be better to hear that I'm sitting at home, unemployed and had a situation with my son where he's addicted, a felon, trying to come back into my home and I think..."Well I am not really 'doing' anything right now - so I guess I could allow him to come back into my life and let him be here for the time being and will make him get out in 30 days or a year, or a month and that will help him?" OR Does it sound like I'm less of a Mom if I say "I have many appointments, I'm traveling, and my son is an addict, whom I've tried over and over to help with rehab, and all of a sudden he jumps out of rehab, takes the easy way out, wants to come home and I think - Oh boy...I guess I could allow him to stay at my house for a while - say a month or so while I'm out of town, and then we'll work on HIM when I get back in town, but in the mean time he'll probably strip my house, use it for a flop-mansion, and rob me blind...but I just have to do something for him!!!" </p><p></p><p>I'm going to tell you something about BOTH of those Moms and BOTH of those scenarios ---NEITHER Mom would help their son by allowing him to come home, and neither Mom does her son a favor by being CONVENIENTLY available to SOLVE HIS PROBLEMS FOR HIM. My son, just like Peter Pan has GOT to learn HOW to solve his life and LIVE ----without you picking up the pieces......and YOU? YOU have GOT TO STOP butting ----YES BUTTING in and being there to DO IT FOR HIM. (well get mad at me if you want to - but what ARE you doing when you pick up the phone and tell him you will do this and that for him, put him in rehab, pay for it, send him money, talk him down from a threatended suicide?) YOU ......are solving his problems. </p><p></p><p>I'm not pointing the finger - I'm pointing it out to you - like it was pointed out to me. (big difference) And maybe some of the things I said - were not done by you or Peter Pan - but there is a REASON you feel the need to keep in contact by phone BUT not allow him to live in your house. Otherwise - you'd go on your trip, let him stay in HIS house (which is your house) and not worry about what would happen while you are gone. Dilemma solved. See our kids hold this magical voodoo over our heads like - if we don't have the wave length there for them??? Ohhhhhhhhhh something bad will happen and it WILL BE OUR FAULT that we didn't keep a line of communication open. I bought into this too - with Dude. I started to see a pattern and thought - WTH are you doing Star? I kept worrying that if I didn't give him a way to get in touch with me? I'd never hear from him again. And boy was I wrong. THEY FIND A way - It might take them a while - but they find a way. And a lack of communication does NOT equate a lack of love. Lack of respect equates a lack of love and right now? His inability to get himself clean and sober IS a lack of love for himself. He doesn't respect himself - and therefore - can't respect anyone or anything. </p><p></p><p>So maybe the VERY BEST thing I ever did for Dude.....was to tell him - GET OUT......and then tell him - FIGURE IT OUT. WITHOUT MY HELP. I used phrases like UH HUH, GEE that's too bad, WELL WHAT ARE YOU going to do about it? You'll figure it out. Just like now.....I'm tell you YOU -------Go out of country........you don't NEED to turn off your phone but if your son calls? USE THE PHRASES above and do NOT buy into his drama. Tell him </p><p></p><p>WOW SON - I'm on vacation because I worked hard and I earned it -----YOU WILL FIGURE THIS OUT FOR YOURSELF.......WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT???? UH HUH....GEE THAT SOUNDS TOUGH _ You're smart! I know you'll figure something out. I have faith in you. NO I can't send money. OKAY gotta go - love you - bye. </p><p></p><p>DO NOT allow him to badger you , control you, worry you - and tell yourself - I HAVE earned this - and HE ????????? HE needs to get himself together - and if I keep solving things for him? He will NEVER learn how to do it HIMSELF.......EVER. The more I help? The less he figures out for himself.....I hinder him - I can literally RUIN HIS Life by "helping" ........I will BUTT OUT and see how he fixes his own situation - I gave birth to him, I know he iis smart - evertime I butt in - basically? I'm telling him? I think you're still a baby and can't do anything for yourself. When I start seeing you do more for yourself? You'll be proud of what you accomplished and really won't want my help. </p><p></p><p>Start using statements like those - and CUT THE STRINGS.........If he falls harder? He'll get up. If he hits rock bottom? He has no where else to go but up. And lastly? If he is doomed to take his own life? And this is very hard to say, but true...there would have been NOTHING you could have done to prevent it at all, in any way. It's a depression that you can't control. You can only guide towards help - and you have done that - MANY times. The rest was up to him. If he's using suicide as a crutch or the threat of suicide? Then SHAME on him - and walk away from it. Let him grow up, and be the man that you know he can be, that he hasn't figured out that he CAN be. </p><p></p><p>Hope this helps. Enjoy your time out of country. </p><p>Hugs & Love </p><p>Star</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 436727, member: 4964"] AHF, Hi and welcome back. You know the saying "you can't have your cake and eat it too?" Well you can't go out of the country and enjoy yourself, fix your son, kick him out, and keep in contact, fix his life......and be okay with it all just a little. Pretty much, and sad to say the timing is NEVER going to be 'right' to detach from a child that needs TOUGH love. I mean would it be better to hear that I'm sitting at home, unemployed and had a situation with my son where he's addicted, a felon, trying to come back into my home and I think..."Well I am not really 'doing' anything right now - so I guess I could allow him to come back into my life and let him be here for the time being and will make him get out in 30 days or a year, or a month and that will help him?" OR Does it sound like I'm less of a Mom if I say "I have many appointments, I'm traveling, and my son is an addict, whom I've tried over and over to help with rehab, and all of a sudden he jumps out of rehab, takes the easy way out, wants to come home and I think - Oh boy...I guess I could allow him to stay at my house for a while - say a month or so while I'm out of town, and then we'll work on HIM when I get back in town, but in the mean time he'll probably strip my house, use it for a flop-mansion, and rob me blind...but I just have to do something for him!!!" I'm going to tell you something about BOTH of those Moms and BOTH of those scenarios ---NEITHER Mom would help their son by allowing him to come home, and neither Mom does her son a favor by being CONVENIENTLY available to SOLVE HIS PROBLEMS FOR HIM. My son, just like Peter Pan has GOT to learn HOW to solve his life and LIVE ----without you picking up the pieces......and YOU? YOU have GOT TO STOP butting ----YES BUTTING in and being there to DO IT FOR HIM. (well get mad at me if you want to - but what ARE you doing when you pick up the phone and tell him you will do this and that for him, put him in rehab, pay for it, send him money, talk him down from a threatended suicide?) YOU ......are solving his problems. I'm not pointing the finger - I'm pointing it out to you - like it was pointed out to me. (big difference) And maybe some of the things I said - were not done by you or Peter Pan - but there is a REASON you feel the need to keep in contact by phone BUT not allow him to live in your house. Otherwise - you'd go on your trip, let him stay in HIS house (which is your house) and not worry about what would happen while you are gone. Dilemma solved. See our kids hold this magical voodoo over our heads like - if we don't have the wave length there for them??? Ohhhhhhhhhh something bad will happen and it WILL BE OUR FAULT that we didn't keep a line of communication open. I bought into this too - with Dude. I started to see a pattern and thought - WTH are you doing Star? I kept worrying that if I didn't give him a way to get in touch with me? I'd never hear from him again. And boy was I wrong. THEY FIND A way - It might take them a while - but they find a way. And a lack of communication does NOT equate a lack of love. Lack of respect equates a lack of love and right now? His inability to get himself clean and sober IS a lack of love for himself. He doesn't respect himself - and therefore - can't respect anyone or anything. So maybe the VERY BEST thing I ever did for Dude.....was to tell him - GET OUT......and then tell him - FIGURE IT OUT. WITHOUT MY HELP. I used phrases like UH HUH, GEE that's too bad, WELL WHAT ARE YOU going to do about it? You'll figure it out. Just like now.....I'm tell you YOU -------Go out of country........you don't NEED to turn off your phone but if your son calls? USE THE PHRASES above and do NOT buy into his drama. Tell him WOW SON - I'm on vacation because I worked hard and I earned it -----YOU WILL FIGURE THIS OUT FOR YOURSELF.......WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT???? UH HUH....GEE THAT SOUNDS TOUGH _ You're smart! I know you'll figure something out. I have faith in you. NO I can't send money. OKAY gotta go - love you - bye. DO NOT allow him to badger you , control you, worry you - and tell yourself - I HAVE earned this - and HE ????????? HE needs to get himself together - and if I keep solving things for him? He will NEVER learn how to do it HIMSELF.......EVER. The more I help? The less he figures out for himself.....I hinder him - I can literally RUIN HIS Life by "helping" ........I will BUTT OUT and see how he fixes his own situation - I gave birth to him, I know he iis smart - evertime I butt in - basically? I'm telling him? I think you're still a baby and can't do anything for yourself. When I start seeing you do more for yourself? You'll be proud of what you accomplished and really won't want my help. Start using statements like those - and CUT THE STRINGS.........If he falls harder? He'll get up. If he hits rock bottom? He has no where else to go but up. And lastly? If he is doomed to take his own life? And this is very hard to say, but true...there would have been NOTHING you could have done to prevent it at all, in any way. It's a depression that you can't control. You can only guide towards help - and you have done that - MANY times. The rest was up to him. If he's using suicide as a crutch or the threat of suicide? Then SHAME on him - and walk away from it. Let him grow up, and be the man that you know he can be, that he hasn't figured out that he CAN be. Hope this helps. Enjoy your time out of country. Hugs & Love Star [/QUOTE]
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