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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 436750" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>Star is right. About everything. Well, not everything under the sun, but everything she says in this thread. It is hard to accept, but by insisting on constant contact, by always giving advice, by always making sure we are right there just in case they need us, we are telling them, ourselves and the world that they CANNOT do it. whatever it is, any and everything, life,, they just are not good enough, strong enough, smart enough to figure a way to handle it. Then they get lazy and stop trying to fix it and expect us to handle their life and we get lazy and stop trying to let them stand on their own.</p><p></p><p>Think way way back. Jump in the DeLorean and set the date to when your son was learning to walk. He was so cute, so sweet, so amazing, wasn't he? Just the most incredible little person you had ever seen. He wanted to stand up and walk like you did and like Robin Hood did but he didn't know how. So he cried. And he tried. he fell, he cried. He tried again and again and finally he did it - he was walking. At first you handed him what he wanted or took him to it or lifted him up high enough to get it. Then you realized he could do it if he worked on it. So you let him toddle around holding on to things. You stepped a few feet away and held your hands out for him to take those steps with nothing to hold on to until he got to you. Guess what? He fell down sometimes. But he got up and he figured it out.</p><p></p><p>Now take that trip to the current time. Let him know that you KNOW he can figure this out. That you KNOW that when he wants it bad enough, just like he wanted to come to you wehn he was learning to walk, or to get to the table to get that cookie off of it, when he wants it bad enough he will figure out how to use the tools he has to improve his situation. He wants an easy fix, not a real change. That is what his reaching out from Vegas is telling both of you. He wants to play in Vegas and then have you swoop down and pick him up and fix it for him so he can go muck it up some more.</p><p></p><p>This trip is to see two couples you care about very much join their lives in front of their loved ones. You have EARNED the right to go and enjoy this trip and the rest of your life. Peter Pan and Robin Hood are adults now. They are not toddlers you can carry out of the middle of the street. Trust yourself and the things you taught them as they were growing up. You gave them the tools to figure out how to handle their lives. You really cannot do more, anything more you do right now is pushing them back toward the bottom. Keep telling yoruself that.</p><p></p><p>Get to an alanon meeting or narc anon meeting. In the days between now and your trip get in to see a therapist also. Ask at the alanon meeting if you staying here would help them? Most people there would say that you going would actually ehlp more. How do I know? That is what they told my parents.</p><p></p><p>My parents had a trip to Europe planned, work for mom and fun for dad with an extra few days of fun for both and a family wedding at the end. Then my gfgbro got into trouble with the law and ended up in jail. They worked out sending him to rehab as it was teh first time they/he had faced his alcoholism. Then they realized that he would be home several weeks before they would. Now he had not trashed their home or had parties in it before, or stolen their stuff and sold it. So they let him stay there while they were gone. - the judge wanted him to either be in their home, rehab or jail, even knowing they were out of the country. I lived 800 miles away and tehy called to BEG me to come with my kids to stay there with him when he got out. They didn't want him to be alone. I couldn't do it for so many reasons, the easiest of which were appointments and commitments in our area. So they did go to some meetings and they talked with the people at rehab and they learned what I said and what Star said. That there was NOTHING that they could do even if they were there. </p><p></p><p>They went, they had a great time, and he started to figure out how to fix his life. </p><p></p><p>It won't be so fast with your son. He hasn't hit bottom yet. ALL that you do when you are there to talk to him, to give him ideas and suggestions and ways Occupational Therapist (OT) handle his problems is keep him from hitting bottom. that is teh LAST LAST LAST thing you want. Until he hits bottom he won't deal with his addictions to substances, to gambling, to being addicted. SO the less you do, that faster his life becomes so intolerable that he has no choice but to figure out how to handle the mess he has made. </p><p></p><p>Give him the gift of your confidence that he can figure it out. Give him the time and space to work it out WITHOUT you there as his crutch. GO on your trip. Have a GREAT time. Do NOT answer the phone unless it is someone you are supposed to meet over there. Do NOT call him. </p><p></p><p>I am sorry it is so rough. ((((((((((hugs))))))))))</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 436750, member: 1233"] Star is right. About everything. Well, not everything under the sun, but everything she says in this thread. It is hard to accept, but by insisting on constant contact, by always giving advice, by always making sure we are right there just in case they need us, we are telling them, ourselves and the world that they CANNOT do it. whatever it is, any and everything, life,, they just are not good enough, strong enough, smart enough to figure a way to handle it. Then they get lazy and stop trying to fix it and expect us to handle their life and we get lazy and stop trying to let them stand on their own. Think way way back. Jump in the DeLorean and set the date to when your son was learning to walk. He was so cute, so sweet, so amazing, wasn't he? Just the most incredible little person you had ever seen. He wanted to stand up and walk like you did and like Robin Hood did but he didn't know how. So he cried. And he tried. he fell, he cried. He tried again and again and finally he did it - he was walking. At first you handed him what he wanted or took him to it or lifted him up high enough to get it. Then you realized he could do it if he worked on it. So you let him toddle around holding on to things. You stepped a few feet away and held your hands out for him to take those steps with nothing to hold on to until he got to you. Guess what? He fell down sometimes. But he got up and he figured it out. Now take that trip to the current time. Let him know that you KNOW he can figure this out. That you KNOW that when he wants it bad enough, just like he wanted to come to you wehn he was learning to walk, or to get to the table to get that cookie off of it, when he wants it bad enough he will figure out how to use the tools he has to improve his situation. He wants an easy fix, not a real change. That is what his reaching out from Vegas is telling both of you. He wants to play in Vegas and then have you swoop down and pick him up and fix it for him so he can go muck it up some more. This trip is to see two couples you care about very much join their lives in front of their loved ones. You have EARNED the right to go and enjoy this trip and the rest of your life. Peter Pan and Robin Hood are adults now. They are not toddlers you can carry out of the middle of the street. Trust yourself and the things you taught them as they were growing up. You gave them the tools to figure out how to handle their lives. You really cannot do more, anything more you do right now is pushing them back toward the bottom. Keep telling yoruself that. Get to an alanon meeting or narc anon meeting. In the days between now and your trip get in to see a therapist also. Ask at the alanon meeting if you staying here would help them? Most people there would say that you going would actually ehlp more. How do I know? That is what they told my parents. My parents had a trip to Europe planned, work for mom and fun for dad with an extra few days of fun for both and a family wedding at the end. Then my gfgbro got into trouble with the law and ended up in jail. They worked out sending him to rehab as it was teh first time they/he had faced his alcoholism. Then they realized that he would be home several weeks before they would. Now he had not trashed their home or had parties in it before, or stolen their stuff and sold it. So they let him stay there while they were gone. - the judge wanted him to either be in their home, rehab or jail, even knowing they were out of the country. I lived 800 miles away and tehy called to BEG me to come with my kids to stay there with him when he got out. They didn't want him to be alone. I couldn't do it for so many reasons, the easiest of which were appointments and commitments in our area. So they did go to some meetings and they talked with the people at rehab and they learned what I said and what Star said. That there was NOTHING that they could do even if they were there. They went, they had a great time, and he started to figure out how to fix his life. It won't be so fast with your son. He hasn't hit bottom yet. ALL that you do when you are there to talk to him, to give him ideas and suggestions and ways Occupational Therapist (OT) handle his problems is keep him from hitting bottom. that is teh LAST LAST LAST thing you want. Until he hits bottom he won't deal with his addictions to substances, to gambling, to being addicted. SO the less you do, that faster his life becomes so intolerable that he has no choice but to figure out how to handle the mess he has made. Give him the gift of your confidence that he can figure it out. Give him the time and space to work it out WITHOUT you there as his crutch. GO on your trip. Have a GREAT time. Do NOT answer the phone unless it is someone you are supposed to meet over there. Do NOT call him. I am sorry it is so rough. ((((((((((hugs)))))))))) [/QUOTE]
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