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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 436993" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>What tough loving said is very true - but when you posted you made it seem like you would not be able to have a vacation or relax without the phone right by your side 24/7 and not have any idea of how to handle a crisis (should your son have one) IF he were to call you while you were out of country. That's what I'm trying to get across to you. If your son's behaviors are controlling YOUR life? Then YOU have a problem. If you are able to detach from his problems, live your life and support him without making all his decisions, and choices for him that's a different story. Of COURSE when they need someone to talk to - you should be there. That's what parents are for, but NOT if the conversation is one where they are manipulating you, making you feel guilty, and you are NOT able to discern at some point and have the dialogue of detachment in which you turn the manipulation around and put the responsibility of the crisis he created back on his shoulders. If I didn't make that clear or came off as "never answer the phone and hope he figures it all out, and if he dies oh well." Not my intention. </p><p></p><p>Dude will call, and when he does if the conversation starts towards "I'm hungry, I'm homeless, I'm needy?" We are to say "Well that's too bad, What are you going to do? You're a bright guy you'll figure something out, I can help by looking up the number to social services for you, I'm here if you need someone to talk to, BUT NOT "OH HONEY where can I wire you some money, Do you want to come home, OH I can't bear the thought of you out on the street let me come get you tonight and fix up your old room just for a week until you get back on your feet." If the conversation were to go and it has towards "I'm going to kill myself." Then I've been known just to talk to him calmly, and remind him of the good things he is, what I know he is capable of, that it's okay he's depressed everyone get's depressed, even I get depressed, would he like me to hang up and call 911 for him because I can't do a thing for him if he wants to die, but I love him very much and keep the conversation low keyed and try to remind him of better times, and goals he has, and how they are attainable with a little effort." If it looked like it was going south fast? I've called 911. I don't play with suicide threats so therfore? I don't get them, and he knows if he says them in seriousness - that's what will happen. </p><p></p><p>As far as your son having attachement disorder? I understand that very much. Dudes Father did things to him that were at best horrible and felony offenses, yet my son chose to not only seek him out - but beg him to have a relationship with him, and that jerk blew it again. I think the ship as it were has sailed but this time - on Dude's terms. It was against everything in my being for that reuniting to happen - but it did, it's over and nothing I can do about it. FYI - when Dude is upset? There isn't anyone HE will talk to but me either - so I get where you are coming from - but on PURPOSE I have made myself unavailable for the simple fact that I was told by our therapist that if I made myself a phone call away every time he had a crisis? I WOULD become the thing he ran to each time he had one - and he would NEVER figure it out on his own, ever and believe me my son has some very serious issues, placements, suicide attempts, the whole nine. So yeah - I worried a lot when I didn't answer the phone -worried out of my mind that it could be that ONE call - the LAST call....and then how would I live with myself. But I had to (as a Mom) give HIM the opportunity to grow up and see that he COULD rely on himself. It's one of the hardest things I have ever done. Because some day I'm not going to be here - and I don't know when that day will be - HOPEFULLY - in my 100's, but you just never know. That was my logic for trying to prepare him for the world that isn't going to be as nice to him and hand him the phone to talk to his Mom, but will leave him a wreck if he can't figure out how to figure things out for himself - for himself. Sounds cruel - but I'm proud of my son and his progress. He actually now says "OH I have to go now I have a job blah blah blah - and the utility guy and it sounds nothing like the guy that left here two years ago that left ME figure out EVERYTHING or that rolled over in his bed, pulled the covers over his head and said NOT TODAY Mom----please - YOU figure it out for me okay??? I just can't deal with it today." Today? He HAS to deal with it. There is no one else to do it for him and I think he' feels better about himself too. </p><p></p><p>Seems like were danged if we do ----danged if we don't huh? But the fact remains - We are ALL warrior moms and we ALL love our kids! </p><p>Hugs</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 436993, member: 4964"] What tough loving said is very true - but when you posted you made it seem like you would not be able to have a vacation or relax without the phone right by your side 24/7 and not have any idea of how to handle a crisis (should your son have one) IF he were to call you while you were out of country. That's what I'm trying to get across to you. If your son's behaviors are controlling YOUR life? Then YOU have a problem. If you are able to detach from his problems, live your life and support him without making all his decisions, and choices for him that's a different story. Of COURSE when they need someone to talk to - you should be there. That's what parents are for, but NOT if the conversation is one where they are manipulating you, making you feel guilty, and you are NOT able to discern at some point and have the dialogue of detachment in which you turn the manipulation around and put the responsibility of the crisis he created back on his shoulders. If I didn't make that clear or came off as "never answer the phone and hope he figures it all out, and if he dies oh well." Not my intention. Dude will call, and when he does if the conversation starts towards "I'm hungry, I'm homeless, I'm needy?" We are to say "Well that's too bad, What are you going to do? You're a bright guy you'll figure something out, I can help by looking up the number to social services for you, I'm here if you need someone to talk to, BUT NOT "OH HONEY where can I wire you some money, Do you want to come home, OH I can't bear the thought of you out on the street let me come get you tonight and fix up your old room just for a week until you get back on your feet." If the conversation were to go and it has towards "I'm going to kill myself." Then I've been known just to talk to him calmly, and remind him of the good things he is, what I know he is capable of, that it's okay he's depressed everyone get's depressed, even I get depressed, would he like me to hang up and call 911 for him because I can't do a thing for him if he wants to die, but I love him very much and keep the conversation low keyed and try to remind him of better times, and goals he has, and how they are attainable with a little effort." If it looked like it was going south fast? I've called 911. I don't play with suicide threats so therfore? I don't get them, and he knows if he says them in seriousness - that's what will happen. As far as your son having attachement disorder? I understand that very much. Dudes Father did things to him that were at best horrible and felony offenses, yet my son chose to not only seek him out - but beg him to have a relationship with him, and that jerk blew it again. I think the ship as it were has sailed but this time - on Dude's terms. It was against everything in my being for that reuniting to happen - but it did, it's over and nothing I can do about it. FYI - when Dude is upset? There isn't anyone HE will talk to but me either - so I get where you are coming from - but on PURPOSE I have made myself unavailable for the simple fact that I was told by our therapist that if I made myself a phone call away every time he had a crisis? I WOULD become the thing he ran to each time he had one - and he would NEVER figure it out on his own, ever and believe me my son has some very serious issues, placements, suicide attempts, the whole nine. So yeah - I worried a lot when I didn't answer the phone -worried out of my mind that it could be that ONE call - the LAST call....and then how would I live with myself. But I had to (as a Mom) give HIM the opportunity to grow up and see that he COULD rely on himself. It's one of the hardest things I have ever done. Because some day I'm not going to be here - and I don't know when that day will be - HOPEFULLY - in my 100's, but you just never know. That was my logic for trying to prepare him for the world that isn't going to be as nice to him and hand him the phone to talk to his Mom, but will leave him a wreck if he can't figure out how to figure things out for himself - for himself. Sounds cruel - but I'm proud of my son and his progress. He actually now says "OH I have to go now I have a job blah blah blah - and the utility guy and it sounds nothing like the guy that left here two years ago that left ME figure out EVERYTHING or that rolled over in his bed, pulled the covers over his head and said NOT TODAY Mom----please - YOU figure it out for me okay??? I just can't deal with it today." Today? He HAS to deal with it. There is no one else to do it for him and I think he' feels better about himself too. Seems like were danged if we do ----danged if we don't huh? But the fact remains - We are ALL warrior moms and we ALL love our kids! Hugs [/QUOTE]
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