leaving with mixed emotions

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by lovemysons, Dec 20, 2006.

  1. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Tonight at 6 we are supposed to leave for our annual ski trip vacation. I should be more excited about this but quite frankly I think I'm catching whatever husband has (some kind of respitory thing). But, train leaves at 6, lol...rather we're crawling or not. Pre, out-of-routine jitters too I think. PMS...when will this subside, it's been over a week! lol

    Last year, both difficult child's were with us...in the truck, the hotel, the slopes. Nothing went terribly wrong the whole time we were there. I had no idea that the night after we returned home from our ski trip our oldest difficult child would go and rob husband's law firm client (where he was employed) as well as stealing several laptops from husband.

    It was the night before Christmas. There had been no indication that Meth was apparently the only driving force in oldest difficult child's life. He went out on a date. Came back in around 3am. I was awake. I remember bringing down the shoes I bought just for him...I hadn't gotten any for young difficult child but I knew oldest difficult child would love these stylish leather dress shoes and besides he could use them for work environment. I remember he was crying when I went ahead and gave them to him.

    Christmas was uneventful with the exception that young difficult child felt "jipped".
    By Sunday night, young difficult child came to our door and told us oldest difficult child was in his room with some other kids and that he thought oldest difficult child was using a drug in there. husband went to knock on his door, told him his friends had to leave Now.

    husband came back in our room and a few mins later I went to oldest difficult child's room. No one was there but the "evidence" was. Blanket in front of door, candle on the edge of a table, window opened. They were using, obviously. And oldest difficult child left with them. He did not show up for work, but came home at the end of the day.
    husband had discovered the computers missing at work and already knew what he had to do.
    Oldest difficult child was dropped off at an AA group. husband just left him there and drove home. husband, of course fired him and told him he could not come home again. That was it. This was not minor, not manageable, now something could be easily forgiven/forgotten and moved on about. It was over.

    Oldest difficult child apparently went on a 2 week wild spree.
    The next time I saw him he was cold and walking the streets of Dallas. He had been at a hotel with "friends". He knew it was over. He asked me to come pick him up. I did. I brought him and let him shower. He wanted me to drive him to the park and talk. I was scared. I think he had decided to either kill himself or turn himself into the police. Those were "his" options.
    I could not let him stay at the house. husband, was pretty furious that I even went and picked him up as now husband's job was, he thought, in serious jeopardy.

    Gratefully, oldest difficult child did let me take him to the investigators police station in the city and turn himself in for the charges husband filed on behalf of his employer and himself. We were in one of those little "interrogation" rooms". Big enough for a small table and 2 chairs facing each other. That was the last time I touched his face until a month or so ago. We were both crying. He told me how much he loved me. I told him, "J...All the love you have for me, please, please give that love to yourself. Please love you."

    Deep breathe here. It's okay really cause now he is alive and in drug rehab. Because husband was part "victim" in difficult child's charges, we helped make the determination with the prosecutor. difficult child could have been sent to a low security rehab environment, but if he walked out (which he could of there) they would immediately handcuff and send to regular prison.

    Young difficult child has done really well this past year without oldest difficult child at home.
    Drug rehab told us years ago to let go of oldest difficult child, to let him go to a group home or give him up to the state. His councelor saw him as antisocial, manipulative, charming, dangerous, intelligent...using the whole bigbook to memorize and use on others for his own gain, not for working a program of recovery.
    They also told us, "You may have to sacrifice one in order to save the other".

    And...it would appear that no matter what we wanted, "fate" would have it's way.
    Oldest difficult child is not by any means a "bad person" in my mind. He hates himself and he is a drug user and a people user.

    I know I wrote a book here. Cant sleep anyway and sub abuse is what my family is covered in...no matter how many years I tried to escape it, dress it up, play nicey nicey, goody good. My mother in law dead at 58-alcohol. My bio-dad hardly know him-alcohol. husband and myself -alcohol at one time. husband has not had a drink in over 15 years now. The boys never saw it in our home. husband's brother-drug addict, back in prison. husband's sister-drug addict and mother in law left all inheritance money to her, part of continued enabling, she has already "smoked" through about 20K in the past 6 or so months, as husband thought she would.

    For those of you who's families have been taken out one by one with addiction: alcohol or drugs, you know the anger and sadness of it all. You know how fragile life is and you've seen a real place called "Hell" especially if you were trying to save your child for years. It is not morbid, it is realistic.

    I am gonna put on a good attitude in a few minutes once I start making my own little gratitude list for today.

    Oldest difficult child lives in his "alternate home" that's what easy child calls it, smile.
    I shared a song with her a couple of days ago, simple one that I made up and used to sing for oldest difficult child when he was a baby. easy child keeps wanting to sing it now. I told her, Yep, once upon a time, oldest difficult child was a beautiful and sweet little baby boy. She really has paid a profound price, silent pain, for many years.

    It's gonna get better it just stings a bit this AM.
    I'll try and post more uplifting "so long" message this afternoon.
    Thanks for listening to me.
    I don't want sympathy, just a chance to share and know that others "know" too,

    It really is up to my higher power...I am completely completely helpless and powerless of drugs and alcohol and so are many in my family.
    This wasn't the fairy tale image I tried to hold up and portray for many years when they were young, but the teenage years brought all to bear. This is what belongs to our family, no matter how ugly it is.

    Wooh, very loooooooong winded this morning, geez huh.
    caring thoughts going out to my fellow moms and dads who "get it" who know what Im talking about.

    lovemysons
     
  2. Coookie

    Coookie Active Member

    Tammy,

    Sending big humongous hugs to you this morning. :biggrin: My heart hurt as I read your thread, as I know yours is but this New Year will bring many good things. :biggrin: I have no doubt. :biggrin:

    Your family is in a better place now. Even though oldest difficult child is in prison, I believe strides are being made.

    You go, enjoy your trip and know that there is someone in Minnesota who is keeping you all in her prayers. :smile:

    Hugs my friend.
     
  3. KFld

    KFld New Member

    I totally understand what you are feeling. The fact that all of this happened at this time last year, it's all just rushing back to you. We discovered my difficult child's addiction in June of 2006, just around the time of his highschool graduation and I know this past June when it was the year anniversary I relived everything in my mind again. I think for you it's just worse because of the time of year.

    I hope you can pull yourself out of feeling down, really think of what you have to be thankful for and enjoy your vacation. I'm sure your starting to not feel well isn't helping either and hopefully that will pass quickly so you can hit the slopes and enjoy yourselves.
     
  4. FlowerGarden

    FlowerGarden Active Member

    Hugs to you and I hope you get to relax and enjoy your trip.
     
  5. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    christmas past can haunt us for sure. I do not even allow myself to brg to mind those past ones. not too many good ones for sure.

    Christmas present is all we have. it is a "present" to us to enjoy the time we have right now.

    Christmas future is the unknown.

    this christmas, for the first time in two yrs, my son is not living in jail. yippee!
    my other son has the job he wants with the police force, and I have a loving boyfriend.
    we will not be able to have Kaleb Christmas morn, but he will dive into his new training wheel bike two days later I am sure. perhaps he will get to use his new kid size snow shovel one day this month...

    do not let the ghosts of Christmas past rob you of the job of throwing open the sashes and being delighted that Christ has been born along with all the hope he brings.

    Merriest Christmas, Tammy!
     
  6. MrsMcNear46

    MrsMcNear46 New Member

    My sweet friend-

    I am one who knows exactly what you're talking about. Sub and alcohol addiction have been a constant thru 4 generations of my family along with mental health issues. It has been a dynamic in our family that I think I resolved myself to at an early age. No matter how I tried to break the cycle in my own family, I was still dealt the card of a using daughter. I must say though, that in the last year and a half, Sweet Betsy has given all the drugs and alcohol up completely and is much happier living in this world "straight". I am very blessed.

    I hope that you can let all those old memories go for at least the time being and enjoy your trip. As parents of difficult child's we sure don't get much time to just enjoy life. Take this time and do just that. Make some sweet memories with husband and other 2 kids that they will remember forever. Just enjoy!

    I'll continue to pray great things for you. Have a great time and be safe.

    Love,
    Mrs. M
     
  7. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Thank you for the prayers, understanding, the smiles you gave me, the angel, the "christmas present" and encouragement to enjoy this trip.

    Running short on time and long on emotion today.
    Merry Christmas to you guys...to your beautiful difficult child's and to lil Kaleb too.
    May G-d hold each of our babies in his loving arms and let them know they are safe and loved. (I do this spiritual visualization for my J, it helps when I give him "back over to the care of G-d")
    * /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/11-24b.gif :smile: :smile:

    See yall when I get back. Stay out of trouble! :biggrin:
    lovemysons
     
Loading...