legal question

[seeker78]

I am wanting to take my 6 year old son difficult child to get a neuropsychologist like a lot of people have recommended. His dad doesn't think there is anything wrong with him because he is good with him. Even though he's had problems at school too. He thinks that I'm just not firm enough with him. So my son has been in counseling before and I always tried to get his dad to come, but he wouldn't. So I'm reluctant to tell him that I want to have difficult child get a neuropsychologist evaluation. I tend to just not tell him much about difficult child's bad behavior because he just says "well what are you going to do about that?" and blames it on me. But I was wondering if legally, I have to. He has joint legal custody and I have primary physical custody.

Thanks!

 

[JJJ]

Joint legal? I am NOT a lawyer but my understanding of joint legal is that both parents must agree on major decisions regarding the child while each parent makes the more minor day-to-day decisions for the child during their parenting time. I would think a neuropysch exam would be considered a major decision.

If you get the neuropsychologist done without dad's consent, is he likely to take you to court for contempt?

 

[buddy]

I have no idea the ramifications of this so just asking .....if he's not really shown interest in other types of psychiatric issues do you really even need to bring up what this really is. Not saying lie exactly, just another psychiatric. I don't remember anyone ever asking me if q had a dad before an evaluation. During yes, but not to make the appointment. I don't know how your ex would respond and I get its not ideal but its not like keeping results from him. Then, hopefully the results bring him closer to understanding.
I realize its not the best but I don't know how desperate you are. Would you let him dictate if tests for physical diseases could or couldn't be done? Then if I imagine his side--- taking your son to someone without your permission? ?? I guess if it was harmful or could influence your son ...but testing to gather information??? I just don't know. There's no perfect answer. Is there no way to put it that you just want information about how he learns to be a better mom? If he thinks you need to change maybe from that angle ....that it's for you to get a better handle on things.

Gosh, I guess having no coparent is alright sometimes. Really hope you can figure out a way to help your son.

 

[KTMom91]

I also had joint legal with primary physical custody and did not consult with Miss KT's father when she started medications or any other medical issues. He didn't think there was anything wrong, but he didn't see her every day like I did.

 

[LittleDudesMom]

My opinion, as a mother who also had the same custody arrangement as you, is that as the custodial parent, the day to day decisions regarding the care and safety of your children fall on you. If you feel your son needs to see the npdoc, I say go for it. Would you check with his father if you were taking to him to the doctor if he had a fever? I know it's different, but the intent is the same - the overall health and well being of your child.

Very often dads don't get it whether they are in the home or not. Often they are the last on board.

I say you do what you feel is in the best interest of your son.

Sharon

 

[DDD]

Personally I doubt the NP staff would even think to ask about a Dad's permission. The evaluation is NOT intrusive and does not include ANY physical components. I'd tell myself it is just a test, forget about any reaction later on and go for it with my kid's best interests in mind. DDD

 

[susiestar]

Do you have to have his permission to take her to a doctor? This is the same thing pretty much. I would probably operate on the "easier to ask forgiveness than permission" and if he has a fit then tell him and/or the court that you didn't know you needed his permission. Once you ask the question of if you need his consent then you are open to someone saying sh cannot be tested. So if you don't ask, and you get into trouble, it will be less trouble than if you asked, were told no, and did it anyway.

I have NEVER had a doctor/therapist/specialist ask if my husband was okay with the appointment or course of treatment. Whle husband and I are married, we still don't get that question even if one of us thinks it is crucial and the other thinks it is awful.So if you act lik there isn't a problem, and you don't reveal any info about the custody terms, chances are very high that no one will even ask if difficult child's dad approves or disapproves.

 

[flutterby]

I had joint legal custody but live in another state, and I just did what I needed to do. I also didn't share much because my son's dad was of the mindset that you could just beat the problem out of the kid and my daughter's father was not at all involved. My thoughts on this - and I'm not an attorney - are it's a simple neuropsychologist evaluation. It's not an invasive procedure. I think if you did go to court over this a judge would have a very hard time understanding why dad has a problem with it. Just my thoughts.

 

[HopeRemains]

I agree with the others who say just do it and if he decides to take you to court over it, the judge should see your good intent to maintain your child's overall health. If he does make an issue of it and is trying to block progress I would petition the court to then just adjust the decree and give you ultimate say when it comes to this point.

 

[firehorsewoman]

I live in another state too. My ex and I have joint conservatorship but the kid's dad has primary custody. The hospital where my difficult child gets his care always asks us for the complete divorce document with all modifications. EVERY time he gets a new doctor before they will see him. Every single time even though they have a copy in his medical records and because he has been seen by numerous departments (neuro, psychiatry, psychology, plus others for non-behavior related issues) this has been a real pain in the rear. I think it depends on many things: the state you live in, the custody arrangement, and the facility.

 

[seeker78]

Thanks everyone for the advice/suggestions. I think I'm going to think about it for awhile. His dad is trying to convince me that it's just a discipline issue and I start to believe him but then it's helpful to hear others who have had exes/spouses who didn't see the problem when there really was one.

 

[seeker78]

Sorry I have another question for the group. I am having problems with getting my 6 year old difficult child to school on time because he won't listen and is really slow. Have others dealt with this? Do you use Behavior Charts for these kind of things and if so, how have you used the charts? I've tried them before but it was hard to keep up and what rewards did you give?

Thanks!

 

[DDD]

Charts and rewards never helped at my house. I just had to set the clocks ahead for one easy child. Other things that helped was making sure bedtime was early enough, making sure there was a bedtime ritural that was followed every night (bath, jamies, teeth, clothes all laid out for the next am along with any notes lunch money books etc. all together at the same spot every single morning). For difficult children I gave them their stimulant pill and a drink thirty minutes before get up time.
Good luck. Most of the burden falls on the parent making the morning as easy peasy and bearable as possible. Sigh. DDD

 

[InsaneCdn]

We had to...
- simplify expectations, including the definition of dressed (i.e. switched to really-easy-on clothes)
- allow more time in the mornings (= getting up earlier, which meant shutting down earlier at night)
- having exactly the same routine every single morning - yes, weekends too; routine will slowly get faster.
- Getting dressed in the same order - it becomes automatic and they don't have to think
- breakfast at the same time and essentially the same thing (e.g. not toast today, cereal tomorrow, and pancakes the next day... way too confusing) - and avoid breakfasts with too much choice. 3 kinds of jam is too much choice.