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lessons from wise warriors on detaching?
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<blockquote data-quote="scent of cedar" data-source="post: 69185" data-attributes="member: 1721"><p>You have to tell yourself that these are your son's challenges and that the most you can do is to help him learn how to function in the world in spite of them.</p><p></p><p>There was one more key for me. I needed to acknowledge the tragedy in what had happened. I needed to name and claim the things that were lost. Too many times, we try to go on as though everything were normal. WE HAVE LOST A CHILD. I can pinpoint within a matter of weeks when my son changed. After that, I never really saw him again.</p><p></p><p>I never saw my son again.</p><p></p><p>The person I see, the person who looks like my son, is broken and hurt and miserable and I cannot help him.</p><p></p><p>And he hates me, or behaves as though he does.</p><p></p><p>When he does come home, when I do see him, he looks so much like my son that I feel like his mother.</p><p></p><p>That's why detaching is so hard. I never did want to be mean or cold or nasty to anyone, really. In my normal life, I love to help, am frequently a caretaker ~ and I like that very much. I like to laugh, I like the house to be clean, I like to look pretty and to prepare and eat good food.</p><p></p><p>I like to set the table beautifully.</p><p></p><p>husband and I always toast one another. We clink our glasses and say "Let's feast!" before we eat our dinner. </p><p></p><p>It's fun to do that.</p><p></p><p>None of those things matter to that person who looks like my son did.</p><p></p><p>To him, we are fools.</p><p></p><p>THAT is why detaching is mandatory for those whose families have fallen apart as ours have.</p><p></p><p>What has happened to all of us is among the most tragic of events. We need to acknowledge that we are living through something tragic, or we will presume ourselves to be living a normal existence. But we are not living a normal existence. On some level, whether we allow ourselves to acknowledge it or not, we get it that what has happened is all wrong.</p><p></p><p>We are grieving.</p><p></p><p>We need to be able to name and claim that grief or we will not be able to function normally in the rest of our lives.</p><p></p><p>There will be no joy ~ as one of us said, we will feel such guilt that joy will never be allowed, for us.</p><p></p><p>If we give in to those feelings?</p><p></p><p>The illness wins.</p><p></p><p>I am so glad you posted about this subject. husband and I are still trying to come to terms with everything that has happened to us, and with what it all means.</p><p></p><p>If we HAD lost our son, we would never have had to know the things we know now.</p><p></p><p>I wonder sometimes whether that might not have been easier than this has been.</p><p></p><p>They say where there is life there is hope. I hope my son is able to come back from where he is. </p><p></p><p>But the years are gone, and the things we might have shared, the pride we might have felt, the dinners and celebrations that make family, never happened.</p><p></p><p>Huh.</p><p></p><p>I'm babbling again. :smile:</p><p></p><p>Sometimes, I still just cannot believe this happened to us.</p><p></p><p>Barbara</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="scent of cedar, post: 69185, member: 1721"] You have to tell yourself that these are your son's challenges and that the most you can do is to help him learn how to function in the world in spite of them. There was one more key for me. I needed to acknowledge the tragedy in what had happened. I needed to name and claim the things that were lost. Too many times, we try to go on as though everything were normal. WE HAVE LOST A CHILD. I can pinpoint within a matter of weeks when my son changed. After that, I never really saw him again. I never saw my son again. The person I see, the person who looks like my son, is broken and hurt and miserable and I cannot help him. And he hates me, or behaves as though he does. When he does come home, when I do see him, he looks so much like my son that I feel like his mother. That's why detaching is so hard. I never did want to be mean or cold or nasty to anyone, really. In my normal life, I love to help, am frequently a caretaker ~ and I like that very much. I like to laugh, I like the house to be clean, I like to look pretty and to prepare and eat good food. I like to set the table beautifully. husband and I always toast one another. We clink our glasses and say "Let's feast!" before we eat our dinner. It's fun to do that. None of those things matter to that person who looks like my son did. To him, we are fools. THAT is why detaching is mandatory for those whose families have fallen apart as ours have. What has happened to all of us is among the most tragic of events. We need to acknowledge that we are living through something tragic, or we will presume ourselves to be living a normal existence. But we are not living a normal existence. On some level, whether we allow ourselves to acknowledge it or not, we get it that what has happened is all wrong. We are grieving. We need to be able to name and claim that grief or we will not be able to function normally in the rest of our lives. There will be no joy ~ as one of us said, we will feel such guilt that joy will never be allowed, for us. If we give in to those feelings? The illness wins. I am so glad you posted about this subject. husband and I are still trying to come to terms with everything that has happened to us, and with what it all means. If we HAD lost our son, we would never have had to know the things we know now. I wonder sometimes whether that might not have been easier than this has been. They say where there is life there is hope. I hope my son is able to come back from where he is. But the years are gone, and the things we might have shared, the pride we might have felt, the dinners and celebrations that make family, never happened. Huh. I'm babbling again. [img]:smile:[/img] Sometimes, I still just cannot believe this happened to us. Barbara [/QUOTE]
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