let me introduce myself...

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by megs79, Oct 29, 2008.

  1. megs79

    megs79 New Member

    my name is meghan and im a divorced mother to a adhd/odd
    non-diagnosed 4yo girl who is engaged to be married 9-09. we are currently visiting a family counselor for our issues but feel we need more. daughter has recently gotten worse in her defiant and argumentative behavior and is aggressive and at times ignores my fiance who is soon to be her stepfather. and he is so hurt about that. as well he should be
    her bio-father seems to be in total denial regarding her issues/problems. she does go to a developmentally delayed preschool mon-thurs 8-1030 but needs more help.
    im losing my alleged mind!!
    Last edited: Oct 30, 2008
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Okie, I have some questions. First of all, you may want to do a signature below, like I did.

    1/Are there are psychiatric problems or substance abuse on either side of your child's genetic family tree (yours and biological father). In particular, any mood problems? Drinking or substance abuse is usually linked to mood disorders. These are inherited disorders that need treatment.

    2/You say your child is in a program for developmentally delayed children. I would have the child evaluated by a neuropsychologist ASAP. She could be on the high functioning autism spectrum (sounds a lot like it) and, if so, she needs interventions badly and probably will not be able to behave better until she is better understood. How is her speech, her eye contact with strangers, her ability to interact with peers, her reaction to loud noise, textures, new foods; can she make transitions without melting down? Does she play with toys the right way? Is she sometimes "out of it?" Does she seem not to hear you at times because she is in her own world? Does she make strange noises or flap her arms or have odd behaviors or obsessions? Does she like to cuddle? I would seriously check out Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD).

    You can not make her act lovable toward your SO. Many kids don't like anyone taking the place of Daddy, even if Daddy wasn't a good Daddy. I would go very slow with that and hopefully your fiance understands and doesn't get angry at her.

    It is good that you're in family counseling, however that won't help you find out what is wrong with your child. You need an intensive evaluation for that--I recommend one that is done privately, not just from school. School evaluations tend to not be very good...welcome to thte board! Others will come along.
  3. Jena

    Jena New Member

    hi and welcome

    Congratulations first on your engagement! Im glad you found us. Adjusting to a new person in their lives can often be very difficult for them, even if there has been a substantial amt of time that you spent together prior to the engagement. Also my ex was in denial as well. I have learned over the years that you cannot control that, you just have to make the best choices you know how to make.

    Is she in therapy at all? Is she medicated at all? My boyfriend's son has add/adhd his only diagnosis, and we have had to learn different ways of handling him to prevent his behaviors. He is also now going into therapy at my prompting so he himself can learn how to control his emotions and behaviors.

    Welcome again :)
  4. megs79

    megs79 New Member

    thank you both for replying;:D
    olivia is very oppositional as well as argumentative and it drives me nuts!
    there is no history of substance abuse but i do have issues of my own. i have included them in my siggy. i believe i had adult add but have never been diagnosed. i am very naive and uninformed regarding medical terms pertaining to mental disorders with my child. why a neurospsych? and what is Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD)? autism spectrum i will research online for more info.
    she does always want to be with me, follows me around etc, but doesnt always like to cuddle. olivia is always in her "own world' she goes into space quite often but is too alert other times. its so reverse sometimes.

    thank you!
    Last edited: Oct 31, 2008
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    A neuropsychologist is a Psychologist with extra training in the brain. A neuropsychologist evaluation is one many of us favor. It is VERY intensive and will tell you a lot about your beautiful little girl (and she IS such a cutie!). Autistic Spectrum Disorder is kind of hard to explain...lol. My son has it and, because of early intervention, he is living a pretty good life and no longer acts either overly hyper or defiant. It is a neurological disorder which shows up in delays of speech, sometimes eye contact, often lack of liking to cuddle, very often inability to interact normally with peers (sort of playing beside kids rather than with them). I think you have a few red flags there--especially that she is already in a school for developmentally delayed kids--my son was too. Trust me, he caught up in MANY ways because of all the help he is getting, and it sounds like you're getting early help too. However without a diagnosis, if in fact she has this, you will be fighting the schools for interventions when your gorgeous little one is older. Even though it sometimes seems that these kids "catch up" they continue to have delays in social skills and do tend to act "in their own world." My son just recently "came to"...lol. At 15, he no longer acts like he's spacy and out of it. He's doing so well that I want to urge you to get an evaluation, and keep getting one until you are satisfied (we had to do it every year) so that your daughter, no matter what is wrong, can continue to improve and become more "with it." With the right kind of help, again, no matter what is wrong with her, she will get better. The biggest problem comes when Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) is mistaken for only ADHD. My sons first diagnosis. was ADHD/ODD. That just didn't get him the kind of help he needed and he continued to be frustrated and angry. My son has Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD)-not otherwise specified which is a high functioning form of Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD). There is so much hope for kids with this disorder that it can NOT be oversstated. If she happens to have issues other than Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD), a neuropsychologist, because of the intensity of the testing, is able to point out what her weaknesses and strengths are and can point you in the right direction. He/she can also help you with school. Our neuropsychologist evaluation changed the life of our son who could not get a correct diagnosis, so he kept falling through the cracks. Unfortunately--no labels, no services at school. Also Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) is more common in families where there is bipolar (I have a mood disorder myself, by the way). Because that's in the family, early bipolar will need to be looked at as well.
    I'm glad you came here. I think you'll like us :) Others will come along too.
  6. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    Meghan, I sent you a PM. Click on the "Private Messages" line in the box in the top right corner.
  7. megs79

    megs79 New Member

    thank you im sorry i overlooked that. thanks again!
  8. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome Megs!

    I certainly know about a difficult child rejecting a SO. My difficult child just now, after 5 years of dating, has accepted my boyfriend. It was terribly difficult to handle for all these years. He has been so very patient with her. But, my difficult child was 11 when this relationship started. At 4 years old, I would think she would consider him just another person to play with and give her attention. At least that is what I would expect with a easy child. With a difficult child, you just never know how they will react. But, listen to her if she says anything about him. It will be important to validate her feelings.
  9. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Welcome, Meg.
    It is typical for kids not to want to accept a replacement parent, so to speak. But with-a difficult child, it is a zillion times worse. Everything they do is magnified. Try to be patient. But that I mean it may take yrs, not mo's. :( But she will eventually come around.

    Have you read The Manipulative Child or The Explosive Child ? I recommend both of them. You will find yourself and your difficult child on every page! I've dog-eared both of those books so they're a mess. Very useful.
  10. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hi Meg and welcome to the board!

    I'm glad you are here with us! Blending the family can be tough on a family of all pcs - add the difficult child factor and it's often much, much tougher. Accepting a new authority figure is difficult. Seeing your parent with another partner is often confusing to kids - especially really young ones. Additionally, sometimes we really don't know what the affect of our decisions will be on our kids. She could be reacting to what you and her daddy are going through. Often the younger kids don't have the verbal skills to put into words how they feel - their confusion, etc., - so they act out.

    Your medical history could be playing a really big part in what your daughter is going through. I think it's great that you and fiance have gotten the family into counseling. However, it may be time for a more complete evaluation for your daughter so you can determine whether it's more than a reaction to family dynamics.

    I would also find a copy of The Explosive Child, by Ross Greene. You can order one through the Amazon link here on the site, or check your local library for a copy. It's a fabulous book and one of the first things we usually recommend here on the site.

    Again, glad you found your way to us.

  11. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Hi Meg,

    Glad to have you, sorry you have to be here. I usually play in the Watercooler section because I have lost my mind - alleged or otherwise. Your post made me sit here and think about how my son behaved when he was 4 years old. We started counseling and family counseling at age 5 1/2 and he had his first psychiatric. hospital intake at age six. It was the first stop on quite a horrible journey for our entire family.

    I don't know if I would say that after all that time and with my son being 18 that it got better; I would tell you that with education and the strength of the community here I've been able to detach and learn how to not get involved where I don't need to be involved.

    If I had one wish for you to start it would be that you figure out what your level of involvement should be now. ie: when do I step in, how do I stand strong when the consequences are awful for us BOTH (over and over) and how to take time for YOU. It's essential that you find a balance you can live with - I am certain if I have Chi ? I blew it all out when he was little and left myself with very next to nothing.

    Hope you find information here that works for you and your sweet daughter.

    Hugs & Welcome
  12. megs79

    megs79 New Member

    thank you all for your support and suggestions. in the state in which i live, we dont have a local neuropsychologist. the closest one (and one within her insurance policy) is 4 hrs away. right now we are working on getting that together.
    its been a rough road. her bio father is fiercely opposed to medications for her, but sometimes i am so ready for her to be on them. maybe im just exhausted and need a break. also i dont want her to be "lethargic" and not herself