Let's all check in! Say hello, post an update, whatever!

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Signorina, May 2, 2013.

  1. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    Me: difficult child has turned 21 and so far, so good. He has a new job with a new company working commercial landscape. He had worked for a small home landscaping company every summer since he was 16, he is now working for a bigger company and making higher wages. He loves it though it was hard for him to leave his old boss who was a really good to him. He had a bad allergic reaction to hay yesterday and now has an epi pen and a new inhaler. He is heading up to his old college town tonight to celebrate his roommate's 21 birthday and he has an appointment to meet with the dean tomorrow to try to turn his F's (from his last semester) into "W's" so he can get into the local branch of the State University in the fall.

    I found a list of his goals in life and they are admirable but incredibly challenging. They include earning large sums of money in the summers, taking 20 credits a semester with a 3.8 GPA, landing plumb internships, joining school clubs, all the while working and living and supporting himself in a 1 bedroom apartment. Can it be done? Sure, Can it be done by him? I don't think so. I'd never say it to him, but it is unrealistic. He couldn't pull off a 2.0 under the best of circumstances, how does he think he can take 20 credit hours, support himself, work and complete 6-7 semesters in just 2 .5 years? I know it's not my problem and I will support him however I can and I will zip my lip. This is a kid who has too much self esteem. Gosh, I hate even writing that. There are times when challenging himself has worked for him; but most of the time - it is his overconfidence that is his downfall. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. I hate writing it. If I say it to H, he will think I don't believe in difficult child or -worse-he will think that I want him to do something about it; like bring difficult child down a notch. So, I am whispering it to you guys. It's this fantasyland thing that scares me. Because he sets the bar too high and when he can't meet his own expectations; everything goes to Hades - crashes and burns. He completely self destructs so he doesn't have to face it rather than readjusting his goals. He had a brief period - Jan 09-August '10 while in counseling - that it all came together so he thinks he can bring that back at will. It's like he is too smart for his own good, but not smart enough to actually pull it all off. I don't know if I making sense.

    I am worried about him going to college town apt tonight and not coming back or that he is reigniting his old romance. I know summer will be a challenge and I bracing for it. I know he is smoking cigs and drinking and I suspect he could be using pot - but I have nothing to base that on except anecdotal reasons. He intended to get his CDL license for his job but decided not to at the last minute. He said it was the logistics of coordinating the written test, road test and physical, but I suspect it was just the physical which includes drug testing. I haven't seen him altered but I don't really check. Not my job. He's home, he's safe for now and he is a cocky PITA but nothing abnormal for a 21 year old MALE. ugh

    I guess I know that in the next few months he will either get his life back on track or he won't. Sink or swim time. If he doesn't; he will need to build a life that doesn't include college. It will be time to push him out of the nest. I am hopeful he will grasp this opportunity, but -as always - bracing for that other shoe.

    Both PCs are well, h is well. My job is a disaster right now, my brothers are warring with each other and I am stuck in the middle and the only thing they agree upon is their disdain and contempt for me. It's only going to get uglier - but I have a difficult child - so I can handle ANYTHING. Drawing boundaries and setting limits with them too, the difficult child boot camp has taught me well. There should be a secret difficult child mom handshake or military rank - even an award like the Purple Heart for moms wounded in battle.

    What's new in your world?
  2. HaoZi

    HaoZi CD Hall of Fame


    Storm will be turning 12 next month. She had been doing pretty well for a while but recently spring mania has kicked in with a dreaded increase in entitlement, violence, and verbal disrespect. I'm not looking forward to my boyfriend being on-call next week as he won't be here in the mornings to help me with her. She has state testing this week which I know is increasing her anxiety and adding to this behavior, so I'm hoping once that's over she'll settle down a little and be more cooperative. Certainly looking forward to the end of the school end for sure!

    In general terms Storm has made progress in using words more than actions to cope when she is upset (until recently, and even then she's doing better at school than she is with me). Still having a lot of problems getting her to shower/bathe with regularity, even with a reward system in place. This is often the biggest contention at home, though the verbal disrespect might overtake that soon no matter how much she offends my nose. She's beginning to sound like me at that age and in my teens and I don't know how I survived to adulthood - I keep my Dad he must be a saint (though it was really my Mom I went 'round with, not my Dad).

    I've been with my boyfriend almost 7 months now, and he's been a great influence on Storm. They get along really great and he's good at calming her (and me) down when she and I get into it. He's one of those really laid-back kind of guys, very helpful around the house all the time, and I've gotten sick numerous times lately and currently have a sprained back so he's been even more helpful. He doesn't live with us but stays over most of the time. He's really stepped up into being the father-figure type she's always needed/wanted, and I love him to death. Even Storm now tells him she loves him at night at tuck-in time (after he tells her). I guess he'll need a nickname of his own for here.
  3. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Hello. <check in>. <smile>. Run-back-out-faster-than-I-came-in because... nothing to say and no time to say it.
    Last edited: May 2, 2013
  4. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Checking in....going to court tomorrow with difficult child for her expungement hearing. I'm guesing it will go OK but in my opinion since she has no job and no money and is moving in with a guy she met a month ago it's probably only a matter of time before she is in court for something else. I've been laying low, we've helped her get out of financial difficulty and now it starts all over again since she isn't paying her bills. I'm done helping. She hasn't kept a job more than 3 months ever. I know what you mean about them setting goals they can't meet and then the fall Sig. A few eeks ago difficult child told husband he wanted to go to law school and he could help her learn the material. This is a person who doesn't even qualify for the lowest level math or english class in college and flunked out of two colleges in her first semester.

    Got a call from my sister who hasn't spoken to me in three years yesterday. She asked me to go to my 83 year old dad's and bring him a meal everyday while she is helping her daughter babysit for the next month out of town. Of course I said yes but she must have been desperate since she said she would never talk to me again ever. Long story but she is a control freak and there can only be one person in control where my father is concerned. Sig I understand sibling rivalry very well.

    easy child is doing good, is having a good school year with her kindergarten class this year. husband is traveling a lot. We are celebrating our anniversary Saturday and going downtown to our new casino and having dinner. I'm looking forward to that.
  5. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I'm in a cautiously optimistic mode. easy child/difficult child and his SO (ugh) are excited about getting into the house before the last day in May. I meanwhile am between a rock and a hard place with the financial control. No reason to give details but it is a hairy month and I hope and pray that June lst will be a day to exhale. DDD
  6. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    Most of you know that I am waiting to hear more about difficult child...no word yet but I don't suppose it would be this soon...
    This weekend husband, easy child and I are going to the Fox to see Larry the Cable Guy and Bill Engvall. It is going to be great!!!
    Other than that, we are in search of a truck. The first time we brought the camper out, the Suburban died. :-( now we have a camper we can't take anywhere...so I am trading in my new car for an older truck. Now we just need to find one...it is harder than I thought it was going to be!!
  7. AmericanGirl

    AmericanGirl Member


    Hope you have a great time!! I LOVE the Fox.... Such a treasure!!

    update later when I'm not on the phone. Love to all...
  8. FlowerGarden

    FlowerGarden Active Member

    difficult child is doing well. Next step is to get a steadier job...works 2 part time jobs now and picks up odd jobs here and there on top of those. PCs are well and both live on their own now.
  9. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Hi Sig,

    So pleased to hear your difficult child is still working for a job he enjoys and is making good money.
    Am hoping he comes home without incident after party in college town.
    Sorry to hear you are in the middle of sibling rivalry. I missed out on all that as I was raised an only child.

    As I said on another post, young difficult child, lost his sobriety a few weeks ago. Nothing I can do about it though it does concern me. I think it would be incredibly sad for his sweet little family if he goes back to prison for the duration of his time (total of 3yrs and he has done 1yr already). He is still working hard for oldest difficult child's company.

    Oldest difficult child sent husband a picture the other day that said, "Living the dream". It was a picture of him mowing his own yard at the house he and his wife just had built and recently closed on and moved into. He is a far cry, TTL, from 18 when he was using Meth and stealing from a law firm client of husband's...then sent to Prison rehab. He and his wife are expecting our 6th grandchild later this year.

    easy child called me out of the blue a couple of days ago from University town. Wanted to tell me how she was chosen as most limber in her Modern Dance class. She really enjoy's the instructor too.
    easy child will turn 21 on May 10th...she was born on Mother's day and I have always considered her "my gift".
    She has one yr left to graduate and then onto Master's degree program. No more bowling scholarship when she works on Master's so husband and I are trying hard to save $$$ right now.

    husband and I are doing great! Sometimes it's like we are little kids again...we really have alot of fun together these days. But Geez, the day's sure are going by fast now as we have so much more momentum than the early yrs when there was still so much in front of us to go through and learn...now it's like we're skating through life quickly. Wish it would slow down!

    Hugs and love to all!
  10. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Hello everyone.

    Let's see...difficult child is going through his annual bout of spring hypomania. He's had a few dust-ups at work, but not enough to cause him major trouble. Overall, the job is a great fit for him and I am sooooo very grateful for the supported work environment. He's still having major trouble being consistent with his medications, but I remind him of the horrible arrest-jail-house arrest cycle he was in before he became medication compliant, and he doesn't want to fall back onto that path so he's trying harder to stay on the straight and narrow, despite spring fever.

    Things have tailed off with difficult child's old girlfriend. Thank goodness, I say. Much as she is a lovely girl, between her Down Syndrome and his Aspergers+, I was terrified lest those two very...um...passionate young people find five unsupervised minutes to give me a grandchild. Phew/whew! difficult child has been talking a LOT about another girl at work, but not enough to get my Mommy-hackles rising. Yet. Still, I'm keeping a very watchful eye. With the Monster Tots barely out of diapers, I'm just not ready to raise a grandchild yet, much as I'd love to have a few.

    Now, the others:
    Step-D has really come into her own. She's THRIVING in her new job, her SO just got a new job too, and they're both doing really well. Long may it continue.

    easy child continues to be my darling angelic boy. He's growing like a magic beanstalk (5'6" at last measuring. He's now the same height in bare feet that I am in heels. Eeek!), and I have a feeling that puberty isn't too far around the corner. I am very curious to see how the hormone storms will affect him. Will my even-tempered diplomat turn into a ravening angry beast? Will he stay the darling that he is? Some of each? Time will tell (although I don't think I'll have to wait too much longer to start finding out).

    Tyrantina, my little Bossy Boots, is mini-me. Aspie-lite, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), mood swings and all. When her mood isn't getting the better of her, she's such a sweetheart, so very nurturing and caring. The other morning, I heard her and Tyrannosaur talking in the hallway. He was upset after a nightmare, and she said, "Don't worry T. It'll be okay, I'll look after you." And when I opened the door, she was hugging him and stroking his hair. Awwww.

    Tyrannosaur is a charming little miscreant. He is so very sweet and cuddly, so very charming, so very destructive. He has clear Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) signs, the mind of a mad scientist, and a boatload of natural mischief just to keep things interesting. We often walk into a room to find a pile of components (rubble, really) where a piece of furniture, electronic equipment, or a toy used to be. He loves dismantling things to see what they're made of and how they work, destroying them in the process. This is payback for husband and me. We were both like this as children. Sigh...

    Home-schooling is working out really well for the Monster Tot Twins. They still struggle in groups larger than 3 or 4 (and since they make up 2, it doesn't leave a lot of scope), and are such a handful that I can't imagine inflicting them on a teacher in a standard junior K classroom.

    husband and I are ticking along as always, keeping insanity at bay by inches, sometimes by millimetres. The weather is good (so far). My garden is starting to bloom. Things are okay.
  11. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Hello, Well things here are a bit all over the place. My difficult child is still at the sober house... he and I have had some good text conversations lately. I am trying to stay very neutral about everything and make no judgements. I am still happy that he wrote that I love you text.... it is a big small step. I havent heard from my friend who runs the sober house which I think means that things are not great (or he would call me) or really terrible (or he would call me) so I am just trying to stay calm, not focus too much on it. I went through my funk after I read Clean and had to sort out myself.... I think I basically came back to the same place which is my difficult child has to find his own way and i will continue to support him when he is doing the next right thing... and not enable him when he is not. I really do wonder about mental health issues... I do feel like this is a big part of things and he is not really been properly or clearly diagnosed (although over the years we sure have tried!) but he is on medications and I think (hope) those are helping.

    My easy child is doing really well. Getting ready to graduate from high school, work this summer and then go off to college. I feel very lucky with her and we have a great relationship. She is starting to experiement with some things lately (as most kids her age do) but man she is talking to me about it and she is still very responsible in all of her thinking which just amazes me. As my therapist told me I have one kid who generally makes really good decisions who sometimes is going to make a mistake, and one kid who tends to make really bad decisions, but now and then make some godo ones!

    husband and I are doing well.... getting ready for the empty nest in the fall. I have very mixed feeling about this and just want to make sure I fill my life with things that are important to me that I like to do!!!

    And the thing that today is making me very very sad is that we are taking our 13 year old yellow lab to the vet tonight and almost certainly will make the decision to put her down. It is time.... it has been coming for awhile but she now does seem miserable and ready to go. Its a hard thing to do as we have had her since she was 6 weeks old. One thing I was worried was how to tell difficult child and how he would react. We did have a text convo about it and I think he did say he would like to see her which is not possible... then he posted on FB about her. I then put a picture of her on FB which he copied to his wall and wrote a touching goodbye to her. So I do feel that in his way he has been part of the process. Makes me sad to reminisice though... he was in 2nd grade when we got her after our old dog died. He has loved her a lot as we all have.

    So thats it from here.

  12. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    OH TL - so sorry about your beloved dog. {{{hugs}}}
  13. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    TL - I am sorry about your dog, too.... :(
  14. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    We have bit of similar issues than you Sig. I think that part of that 'over optimistic planning' is typical young adult thing. Of course difficult children always take all typical developmental challenges to next level. My difficult child is currently facing one of those optimistic plans to not panning out and is being a really pissy prat about it. And I mean REALLY. But I still think that goes to growing pains category. With his deeper issues he is at least hanging there, even being proactive with them. So all in all I'm rather proud of my pissy prat.

    My easy child continues to be a joy. He too has struggled with optimistic planning department and still does, but he is slowly learning better time management and is getting out of the hole with school after his nose dive this winter. With sport he is doing good and is enthusiastic and I'm very proud to tell you that his team mates voted him their fair player/best team mate award. And psst! you didn't hear this from me but I think he is in love. And to very lovely girl. :flirtysmile3:

    I'm not as restrained as you with my boys over optimistic plans. I don't know if it helps any, or makes it worse, but I can't help giving them advice on that. With difficult child I try to talk him to cut himself some slack, be patient and remember that 'life happens' when he plans for the future. With easy child I try to teach him to evaluate a time he thinks task will take, add 50 % and if task involves others add another 50 %, another 50 % if it involves transportation or depends from weather and add extra 100 % if it involves animals or small or teen children. That way you get schedules that have a fair chance to happen. And with both I press the importance of scheduling down time. And especially with difficult child needed down time is a lot.

    But as I said, no idea if trying to teach them helps or just makes them more resistant. I just can't keep my mouth shut.

    I and husband are doing good. Marriage counselling has been a success and while all things difficult child and also our kitchen reno do put stress to our family things are looking up in our relationship in all levels. husband has also lost some weight and gotten himself better shape and is much more like a guy I once fell in love with both in appearance and energy level. And kitchen reno is close to complete. We will have pros coming next week to put up the kitchen cabinets and machinery. After that it is just cleaning and some finishing touches, skirtings and all that. I'm so ready to eat something I didn't made and freeze in February or early March. And even more ready not to do dishes in buckets at sauna benches. In fact I have found that I'm very fond of dish machines.

    All in all, things could be much worse.
  15. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hello all. I am glad to read that things are going relatively well for most of you. I am having a hard time right now. While I believe difficult child is still sober, the old manipulative, deceitful behaviors are still in full force. We just found out that she was planning a trip to NY to hook up with a guy she met while she was still in residential. The worst part is that she saved up for the trip while telling us she couldn't afford to eat or pay for her medications. She also still owes us money that she has not paid back claiming she didn't have the money.

    All the while, she saved up $350 for the trip. The manager from the sober house called me to check up on difficult child's trip to visit "family." I was furious because when difficult child had first brought up this plan when she left rehab, we told her absolutely not since if she had enough money to take a trip like that, she could be helping out with her rent at the sober house. So difficult child's solution was do all of this behind our back. The worst part was the plan to spend two days in a hotel in Times Square with another newly recovering addict before she took a train out to Long Island to visit my brother and his family. Like any good could come out of that . . .

    We discussed all of this at an emergency family therapy call where the therapist encouraged me to tell difficult child what I was feeling. In response, difficult child said all of the right things but I just felt like it was all empty words.

    I talked to our interventionist's assistant for a long time after the family call. She is a recovering alcoholic of 24 years and she gave me a lot of perspective. She said that they have a saying in AA that a drunk horse thief that stops drinking is just a sober horse thief. The behaviors don't change just because they stop using/drinking. difficult child has to put in the work to change the old manipulative behaviors and I don't see her doing that.

    On a good note, easy child has had another very successful school year and they have asked her to start teaching the higher level IB math classes. husband has been given a full-time contract for the next school year which takes a lot of stress off of us.

    And best of all . . . it is only 13 days until the end of the school year.

  16. AmericanGirl

    AmericanGirl Member


    i am so sorry to hear about your precious lab. I have chosen to put two dogs down in my life. It's horrible but truly the kindest thing you can do.

  17. exhausted

    exhausted Active Member

    Hello all. Hanging in as usual. difficult child is back at one of her old jobs (she only lasts 3 months or so....doesnt get fired but just desides to not go in). She has court on Wed. As when she went off on suicide tyrade last month...she punched her dad as he tried to get pills out of her mouth. Old neighbor is the proseucuter....dont know why she hasnt excused herself? difficult child spent several nights sleeping on our porch. I could not do it anymore...she ended up sick again. Pretty cold nights.

    I have had a rush of RA flairs and it is all i can do to go to school and come home each day. medications are not bringing relief. Will call doctor. On monday.
    We have decided to stay out of thecourt room or involvement at this point. The charges are disturbing the peace......if they only knew!

    My friend and i are going to escape for a week as soon as school is out! We had tough classes, addicts with mental illness in our lives and just need our own rehab! I really think that there is money and way more change that would come out of a mommy rehab or recovery center! It is good to hear from you all. No matter the news you matter to me.
  18. enzo

    enzo Member

    Hanging in there...difficult child is finishing up a full year back in the local school..straight C-'s, and behavior is barely acceptable, but not too far off from "typical" teen behavior which is a big improvement from where we were a year ago..looked at some colleges and did decent on ACT, likely a gap year in his future. We are still up in his grill on curfews, extra curricular activities we dont approve of, and he is often grounded on weekends..still lots of high volume arguing..medications help him calm down quicker and reflect. all in all, making gradual progress with setbacks, and this may be the pattern for a while. So thankful we found this site and all of you have been helpful. thanks and God bless,
  19. 92025

    92025 Member

    Continuing improvement over here! difficult child has done nothing stupid in 4 months now! He asked to get his hair cut and tattoos removed! He is catching up in school and has even got a few good grades (in easy classes but, hey! it's an A!). He is often pleasant to talk to and, amazingly, brought the trash cans in yesterday without anyone asking! He has asked to taper down his sleep medication, is arguing less, and showing up at his martial arts class twice a week and talking about jr college (he's in 10th grade). So relieved to see my baby coming back from the brink. I hope so much that all of you get to experience the same.