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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 738770" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>I found visiting my daughter in jail to be a stressful, crummy experience. Like you Leafy, previous to her landing in jail for having "stolen property she didn't know was stolen," I knew nothing about jail or how to navigate thru the system. My daughter landed in jail a couple of times, I visited her twice, once the first time, once the second, both times were upsetting for me, after those experiences, I never went back. I told her I would put a little money on "her books" so she could buy personal hygiene stuff and call me weekly, that was what worked for ME. Trust your own instincts, however, at least for now, I would suggest you stay clear of visiting, it sounds like Tornado is still working the angles.</p><p></p><p> I think when our kids have been "out there" for whatever reason, they get savvy at street smarts, pushing their trip on others to get their needs met, closing down their emotional selves, hardening to anything that would take their focus off of whatever they believe they require for their survival. It's tough to break thru that demeanor, especially if they are also coming off drugs or alcohol. I think jail induces a similar state of mind for self protection and your daughter and my daughter have learned how to survive in unsafe environments, sigh.</p><p></p><p>However, as my daughter came down off of that level of survival and could let her guard down a little bit, it became easier to get through to her, to connect with her, to begin to form a new relationship, which we're doing now. It took time. Quite a bit of time. And, a lot of boundaries on my part, as you know. When she was deep into her homelessness and vagabond way of living, she and I had NO bridge to stand on, we had little to no ability to relate. We're slowly building a new bridge.</p><p></p><p>Tornado is not in her right mind now. She is coming down off of a long time on the streets and using drugs, it's going to take time for her to be able to really "see" and "hear" you, for her to regain her equilibrium in a life without drugs and a life off the street. If indeed, that is the route she takes.</p><p></p><p>I think, at least for the time being, your choice to not visit Tornado and to limit your connection with her is a wise one for your own well being. If she begins to come down off the drugs and feral survival, you'll know it and at that point, you can make another choice. But for now, Tornado appears to have simply transferred her street self into her jail self, no real change, just a different location. Until a shift occurs in her thinking, nothing you do will make any difference. Hard lessons for us.</p><p></p><p>I believe that my daughter's jail experiences were one of the lessons she had to go through to see her way clear to a different way of life.....she worked very hard after that to avoid having that fate again, which meant she had to clean up her act to a certain degree, which she did. It was just enough of an interruption in her usual way of living to allow her to see how far she had gone down the rabbit hole.</p><p></p><p>Tornado is at a choice point now.....she can continue in her usual way of living or she can make a change. It's all up to her. I<em>t has nothing to do with you. </em></p><p></p><p>You're going through the emotional part of it now.....the hard part.....amp up your self care to the max now....remarkably, if Tornado is there for awhile, it will become your "new normal" and life will continue.....only you've now moved through another level of acceptance and Tornado has a chance for change....</p><p></p><p>We're all right here with you Leafy....our wagons are circled around you.....we know how tough this......you're never alone.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 738770, member: 13542"] I found visiting my daughter in jail to be a stressful, crummy experience. Like you Leafy, previous to her landing in jail for having "stolen property she didn't know was stolen," I knew nothing about jail or how to navigate thru the system. My daughter landed in jail a couple of times, I visited her twice, once the first time, once the second, both times were upsetting for me, after those experiences, I never went back. I told her I would put a little money on "her books" so she could buy personal hygiene stuff and call me weekly, that was what worked for ME. Trust your own instincts, however, at least for now, I would suggest you stay clear of visiting, it sounds like Tornado is still working the angles. I think when our kids have been "out there" for whatever reason, they get savvy at street smarts, pushing their trip on others to get their needs met, closing down their emotional selves, hardening to anything that would take their focus off of whatever they believe they require for their survival. It's tough to break thru that demeanor, especially if they are also coming off drugs or alcohol. I think jail induces a similar state of mind for self protection and your daughter and my daughter have learned how to survive in unsafe environments, sigh. However, as my daughter came down off of that level of survival and could let her guard down a little bit, it became easier to get through to her, to connect with her, to begin to form a new relationship, which we're doing now. It took time. Quite a bit of time. And, a lot of boundaries on my part, as you know. When she was deep into her homelessness and vagabond way of living, she and I had NO bridge to stand on, we had little to no ability to relate. We're slowly building a new bridge. Tornado is not in her right mind now. She is coming down off of a long time on the streets and using drugs, it's going to take time for her to be able to really "see" and "hear" you, for her to regain her equilibrium in a life without drugs and a life off the street. If indeed, that is the route she takes. I think, at least for the time being, your choice to not visit Tornado and to limit your connection with her is a wise one for your own well being. If she begins to come down off the drugs and feral survival, you'll know it and at that point, you can make another choice. But for now, Tornado appears to have simply transferred her street self into her jail self, no real change, just a different location. Until a shift occurs in her thinking, nothing you do will make any difference. Hard lessons for us. I believe that my daughter's jail experiences were one of the lessons she had to go through to see her way clear to a different way of life.....she worked very hard after that to avoid having that fate again, which meant she had to clean up her act to a certain degree, which she did. It was just enough of an interruption in her usual way of living to allow her to see how far she had gone down the rabbit hole. Tornado is at a choice point now.....she can continue in her usual way of living or she can make a change. It's all up to her. I[I]t has nothing to do with you. [/I] You're going through the emotional part of it now.....the hard part.....amp up your self care to the max now....remarkably, if Tornado is there for awhile, it will become your "new normal" and life will continue.....only you've now moved through another level of acceptance and Tornado has a chance for change.... We're all right here with you Leafy....our wagons are circled around you.....we know how tough this......you're never alone. [/QUOTE]
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