Letting Go. Once again-I read something and had an aha moment & wanted to share+

[Signorina]

...someone spoke of a kite analogy they'd heard used to describe the process of "letting go" - we must release not only the body of the kite itself, but also let go of the string. It does me no good to let the body of the kite rise away from me, if I've still got the string wrapped in a stranglehold (around my neck) ...

...I must release my (fearful) grasp, and watch the kite sail out of my reach, body, tail, string and all, come what may. I must be willing to lose sight of it completely, trusting that my HP will look after me. I must be willing to stop straining to see it - resolutely turn and walk in the opposite direction, opening my heart to gratitude. I pray for the willingness to relinquish my illusion of control. to let go of that string.
​

Not my words, not words I would have ever thought about - but when I read them I realized I have watched the kite sail beyond my sight but I am still holding on to the string... and with apologies if I am out of line...it seems to be a struggle for so many of us.

Especially for me today. difficult child's 20th birthday is this weekend. I have no idea where he is and I struggled with sending him a birthday card. Plus I had 4 inquiries from well meaning family members asking me "what do you want me to do? (about difficult child's birthday-ie ignore, send something,if so - send WHAT?) And I know they inquired as to not be a burden or do the wrong thing - yet it IS a burden. Letting the kite outta site yet still holding on to the string...

And my sister in law Is being a royal b!tch and I really don't need this now. Facebook drama once again centering on her deep seated desire to stay in touch publicly with difficult child's enabling girlfriend - despite my PLEAS for her to cool it. And after 3 months of ignoring it (after asking her to stop in October) - I just begged her to cool it again and she turned it on me - posting a status of "I Hate people who snoop on facebook - so not cool" - and she defriended me. Just so she could post thrice weekly compliments to difficult child's 19 yo girlfriend - someone she has met 3 or 4 times and who is 30 years younger than my sister in law. Thanks for the drama and for making it about YOU - my dear brother's wife.

And on top of it, I decided to host a dinner party on Saturday night thinking it would be a good distraction. I was wrong. I am a mess. ugh...

Wish you guys were coming for dinner instead.

 

[exhausted]

Oh Sig. This is so hard. I too have had very little opportunity to celebrate with difficult child. She has been in RTCs or detention the last 3 years on her birthday and Christmas except this past year. They did not allow any gifts at any of the places. The most we got was 3 extra hours when she was at the first Residential Treatment Center (RTC) for Christmas. She ran off on her birthday this year. It hurts not to be able to celebrate with them. And yes the family.....How to respond? I feel for you.

Thank you for the kite! I still have the string-how to let go of the string? Even though I have drawn the line on many things I can't seem to let go of the worry every time she is late (she is late tonight from her job), everytime she goes to her friends house. Dear God help us let go!

 

[recoveringenabler]

Oh Sig and Exhausted, my heart just about breaks sometimes on this site at the sheer magnitude of the hurt a mother's heart can actually sustain and then keep on living. Living yes, but with a wound in that very heart which never heals completely and is always raw. I am sorry. I know how you feel. I am thousands of miles away and that string stretched out over the ocean and keeps me awake some nights wondering if my girl is safe.

I understand the concept of the illusion of control. I understand the concept of detachment. i get it. I think many of us get it. But, getting it doesn't make the pain go away, not completely, because the losses are so immense, it takes time to trust that whatever happens, it is their fate, their destiny, and nothing we do will prevent it or make it any different. Some days are better then others, at least for me, some days I almost forget it all, and then there are those other days, the ones where that wound really hurts and the salve for it is someone else's kind words who say, 'yes, I know how much you are hurting, I am hurting too, we'll make it through this together.....'

I wish you were having us all for dinner too, now that would be some dinner party!

Hang in there guys, tomorrow it will feel different..............Big giant hugs coming right at ya!

 

[Nancy]

Oh Sig, thank you so much forposting that today, I really really needed to hear that. I am struggling with letting go of that string and I know I have to finally and perhaps forever and it hurts so bad. We have cut almost all ties with difficult child and she is completely and horribly spiralling downward, but I find it so difficult to let go of that string and watch it go out of sight. Where did you fidn that passage, it may be soemthing that I need to read now.

I also understand about his bd, my difficult child was in restriction at the sober house onher 20th birthday and we could not even talk to her on the phone. This year for her 21st I am sure we will have no contact, and from the way things are going she may be in ail or worse. So I know what you are feeling right now and I'm sorry you sister in law is not being supportive. What did your family members decide to do? I'm sure I will be getting those calls in two more months from my family.

I wish we were coming to your dinner party too.

Hugs,
Nancy

 

[susiestar]

(((((hugs))))) That is a great analogy and thanks for sharing. I think many of us have to work on this with different aspects of our life. I know I do. I limit contact with my mom because she always says somethng about gfgbro and then I start worrying about him. I love him but he is not safe to be around for us. So I cut him off, but I still care. I have to stop the worrying by other ways than just blocking him and anything that reminds me of him out of my mind. this is a good thing for me to think about. Thank you.

Birthdays are hard for moms, in my opinion. We center the whole day around our child, and while we remember that first day so clearly, we often do not recognize our contribution. Years ago my father started giving my mother gifts and special outings on my birthday and my brother's. When I had children he did the same for me on theirs. I was taught to recognize my mother on my birthday because, in my dad's amazing words, "She did all the work." His gifts to her were a thank you for giving him each of us, and to my and even still exsil whom he hates, a thank you for his beloved grandchildren.

I think that you should celebrate YOURSELF on difficult child's birthday. Take time to honor the love, commitment and hard work you put into having and raising and loving him. His choices do NOT diminish all that you did, and that should be a focus of the celebration too. Recognize the pain, but try to remember the joy and that he has a very long time to get over these problems and to make it all up to you. Hope for that, and trust your HP to make it happen on HIS time.

I will celebrate you this weekend in my thoughts, prayers and with something chocolate!!

 

[toughlovin]

Thanks for the analagy Sig..... I think birthdays with our difficult children can be so hard. For me the last three years my difficult children birthday has been a terrible day of sadness for me.....and he for some reason has been in a terrible place on his birthday.... makes me wonder about his adoption issues.

18 - he was in a psychiatric unit because he overdosed the night before
19 - jail
20 - rehab.... at least he was in rehab.

I would love to see 21 be in a better place but we will wait and see. I think he is still thinking about how he can drink when he is 21 and will be off probation. Not a good sign.

As far as that string.... gosh it is hard to imagine totally letting go of that string!! I feel like I am getting there but in very baby steps but that string is still most definitely in my hand.

TL

 

[Calamity Jane]

Signorina,
Thank you for that post. It is a drag when family members, like sister in law meddle in others' affairs just to feel relevant. She should know better; she'll get hers eventually. As far as the kite analogy is concerned, I agree on an intellectual level, I just have to get my heart to go along with my head. I always believed that a family is like a functioning body...a living organism, so to speak. When one person in that body is hurting, or emotionally unavailable, etc., the whole body (family) suffers. It's like the amputee who still has phantom pain where the limb used to be. My heart tells me letting go of the string is tantamount to letting go of my kid's hand in the middle of crossing a busy street and just hoping for the best. Of course, that's absolutely not true, but it certainly feels that way. I'm only as happy as my least happy child. It's just a process, one day at a time. Thankfully, the "body" of this board is so supportive.

 

[pinevalley]

Sig:
Thank you so much for your post about the kite, and letting go of the string that holds us to our difficult child's. That is beautifully written, and is something that all the moms on this board can understand. I am always amazed at the wonderful insight that so many people have who write here. The emotions are so honest and open, that it really breaks my heart just reading the pain in some of these posts.

I am so sorry that your sister in law is causing you drama that you definitely don't need right now. I hope that you can avoid your sister in law for awhile, because you don't need her nasty comments in your life. I also really like the idea that Susie had, about celebrating YOU on your difficult child's birthday. I know that you miss him terribly right now, but you can still celebrate all the special times that you shared with him when he was younger. Sometimes I look at photos from my photo albums of my difficult child was he was a little boy, and remember funny things he said or outings that we took. It helps me to remember that we had a good relationship for many years, even if he will never be the same loving little boy that we raised.

I will think of you on Saturday, and try to enjoy your dinner party.

 

[Signorina]

I am making this quick because I should be exercising...and cleaning my house...

As far as letting go of the string-I hear you. I'm not ready either. Likely never will be. I called my mom yesterday & cried on her shoulder for a bit-I am 44 years old and my mom still holds on to my string too...

The writer - writing from her al-anon perspective-has a partner who is an addict(spouse?) so it's a bit different. But I am struck more by the notion of not letting the kite string entwine me to the point of a stranglehold. Frankly, I had a vision of myself trying to hold on, running behind the kite, getting tangled in the line and yanked along. Pretty much sums up my last 9 months. (and my real kite flying experiences. Did I mention I am a klutz?)

Love you girls XXOO

 

[toughlovin]

Your visual about being tangled up in that string and carried along speaks to me too.... I think as mothers we will always have some connecting string...even to our easy child children. BUT it is the getting tangled up and strangled by that string that is not good for us or for them.

I do think letting go of a spouse or other family member is a little bit different than letting go of our children. If my husband treated me the way my son has treated me he would be long gone....and certainly if he lied to me the way my son has or if I had the lack of trust in him that I have in my son I would not be able to stay married. (I don't think anyways.... not being in that situation I really don't know).

TL

 

[Tiredof33]

I had read about the kite somewhere recently, I'll look for it. It is very hard to let go and I am also starting to deal with birthday coming up.

I really don't know where he is but in the past I always hear from him for his birthday and Christmas. WHY, because he knows I will send him a nice gift of money!!

He has rarely acknowledged my birthday, Mother's Day, or Christmas. This last Christmas he sent me an ecard the week AFTER Christmas! I am at an age where I do not care for a gift, but I really would like to be remembered as I always remember him.

This birthday for him I am just going to say 'happy birthday' no money. The last conn and lies lasting months really ticked me off. He has always been difficult and I am tried of the disrespect.

It does hurt but as they get older and still are difficult children it does get easier. I was at the gym today and a senior told me she had to go and visit her 76 yo sister this week. The sister was depressed because of her 51yo unemployed alcoholic and drug user that is in very bad health and STILL lives with his mother. She is visiting to make sure the sister is not being abused by the son. When she calls she can sometimes hear him cussing his mother and then his mother will tell her sister she has to go.

I feel I deserve better!!!
(((hugs and blessings to us all)))