Letting go???

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by toughlovin, Jul 16, 2015.

  1. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    I have been at this for way too long! Those of you who have followed my story know this.....so I am finding myself worrying about my gig and how he is going to manage after detox etc etc. I am in that place of wanting to come up with all the solutions and it is interfering with my peace of mind!

    I think one of the things that I am struggling with is reconciling the signs of progress, keeping a job, applying to community college, getting through a breakup without hospitalization, his decision to get help with his drinking....with really how bad things got for him. Maybe I am having trouble with him hitting bottom even with all the positives.

    So him going back to his apartment scares me and yet at the same time the job is at the core of a lot of his progress.

    And in the end the decisions of what's next are his. He has to decide what's next and what he's going to do. I can't direct him and am not even sure how to even if I could.

    I know the answer is I need to let go of the outcome but it's so hard. I guess now is the time to keep repeating the serenity prayer!
     
  2. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Hugs, TL.

    I find sometimes its about letting go of the outcome... but sometimes, it's about letting go of the process. I'd like to manage the details so the outcome is "right", but:
    - the details are not in my control, and
    - I'm not perfect, so even if they were, the outcome isn't guaranteed.

    It's always harder to play second fiddle... but that's our role as the kids get older.
     
  3. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    Yes, TL, the decisions of what's next are his, but he's had a pretty good track record recently of making good decisions. Now he may make good decisions about his next step in recovery, yet have a setback, but even so (and I hope not) it'll be his choice to get back on the horse, so to speak. It's a long, long process, and with recovery, it never really ends, it just begins again each day, one day at a time.

    You've been doing so well, TL, you know your boundaries and he knows you love him and have his best interests at heart. Now is the time to say the serenity prayer, and any other prayers you may want to say for strength, wisdom, etc., for him and for your family. It seems like it's such a little thing, how can it help? - but it can help, and it's not so little.
     
  4. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    TL, you know the drill. This is for him to do or not. The hard part is holding ourselves back and letting that happen.

    We are right here holding your hand.

    ~Kathy
     
  5. comatheart

    comatheart Active Member

    IT IS SO HARD, stepping back and letting go. Sometimes I feel like its watching a car crash in slow motion. Look the other way, don't watch. Try and focus on keeping yourself healthy. You cant change him or control him, but you can chose to focus on your own serenity. (I know, easier said than done. I'm working on it myself a actually.) Hugs!!!!
     
  6. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Thank you all....I did call today to see how he is doing and if we should visit tomorrow. According to them he is doing well....they changed the medications some and he is apparantly feeling better today than yesterday...so they will have him call us. I am going to offer to visit before we go back home...but make it very clear we understand if it is better for us not to go.

    Thanks for your words of wisdom on letting go...I need to keep working on it.
     
  7. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Feeling a bit better. Talked to my son and he says he is doing good....he feels it when the medications wear off. We talked about us visiting and he would like to see us but doesn't want to have to sit and make small talk...and realistically it would be frustrating for us to drive an hour each way for him to be done after 10min.
    So we mutually agreed we wouldn't visit. And he asked if he did residential did he have to do that one...I said as long as it was one on the list the insurance gave us that would be fine.....so he is at least thinking about residential! So all that is good news!
     
  8. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    I would put my foot down on a resort type place. Whether you can afford the extra out of pocket that could be charged by those places, he needs to focus on recovery .... not luxurious surroundings.
     
  9. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Agreed....but as we have found out in the past the insurance doesn't cover those kind of places either! He has been in all sorts of places and I think his main concern is a caring staff....but of course much depends on him. Anyway by making it be on the list the insurance covers that is a clear standard and then we don't have to argue about the pros and cons of a particular place. And it will be less out of pocket for us if the insurance covers some.
     
  10. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Tl have you found that letting go is a tad easier every time? I did find that to be true. But each time my daughter got into some trouble I wanted to run in and help solve it for her and I think that's natural but I probably did help too much at times but I have learned how to back off a little more each time.

    As Kathy said you know the drill. I think in our hearts we will always WANT to help them but in our heads we know we can't do it forever. I keep reminding myself we won't be here forever. Your son has proven he is a survivor. I hope he chooses residential but it is his choice.

    Thinking of you.
     
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