Lies: Wants money because shelter not safe/open

[in a daze]

Barbara, I am so sorry for what you are going through. My thoughts and prayers to you. I don't know if we would have been as brave as you and your husband had our son chosen the streets instead of the halfway house.

 

[tryagain]

Can definitely relate-my difficult child is living in a hotel. She isn't getting $ for it from us.
Reading posts here helped me draw a boundary line-thanks to all. It is so hard but
we are never alone.

 

[busywend]

Barbara, you and husband having given her money are totally normal and natural. It is what every parent would do if they could. But, at a point it becomes enabling. I think you are on that edge. Of enabling this child to lead this dangerous lifestyle for longer than you know she should. You have to let her fall deeper in order to want to pull herself out.

 

[scent of cedar]

Thank you, busywend. It is hard to say the things that need to be said. You are right. You are right too, that we need to come to that place where we know letting her fall further is so much the right thing to do FOR HER that we are able to do that with clear consciences.

It's really hard, isn't it.

Barbara

So, now I need to make another post. We are going home soon, and I (we) are thinking of trying to kidnap her and bring her home. I suppose that's illegal or something.....

I know you will all know why that would be the wrong thing. I (we) need to hear that, though. Hope dies hard. Hope that this was all a mistake. Hope that we can change it when, even now when we talk between ourselves, we know that, just like there was nothing we could do while we were there, there will be nothing we can do, now. Nonetheless, there is a time of vulnerability coming for us. Better to go into it with your words safely tucked away in our psyches.

Okay. going to go make the other post.

 

[JayPee]

As I began seeing the truth, seeing how much I was manipulated, how it followed a certain trajectory, the set up, the long pauses so I could really get what a terrible place she was in, and in the original script, I just jumped in offering help because I couldn't stand the idea of her being hurt in some way or suffering. Then after awhile, she had to ask. Then after awhile, she asked and I said no. Then after awhile, she stopped asking, but the manipulations increased, the drama was higher and more intense, so my fear kicked in and I caved. Then after awhile I started to see through that too and just stopped listening and responding, same script time after time. It took awhile to plug up all the loopholes, make all the boundaries so clear, everyone knew where I stood. Now she doesn't ask anymore. It would be wonderful if it were different, but it's not, so I've learned to accept it. It's definitely a process!

Recovering...

I was reading over some old posts to gain more insight. Wow did this ever hit home with me.

I love how you say "It took a while to plug up the loopholes". Your whole post spoke to me. I just felt I needed to tell you

 

[toughlovin]

I have totally been where you are. When my son was homeless and on the streets in the middle of winter was the hardest time in my life. Its excrutiating at times. Where we got to was we will help him when he is willing to help himself (which usually means treatment). We have had many iterations of this but tbat stand is what I can live with.

 

[Beta]

This is the first time I've read through this post, and it was tremendously helpful to me, just as a reminder for all the emotions that assail my heart and mind every day. Will be returning to this again to read and re-read in the future.

 

[elizabrary]

Hi Barbara- I've been where you are. I know how difficult it is. I would strongly advise you give your daughter NO money as it is likely going for drugs or alcohol or whatever her current thing is. I know it feels wrong, but it is the right thing to make them take responsibility for their own lives. When my daughter was struggling I never gave her cash. If I wanted to get something for my granddaughter I bought the item. If I wanted them to have a meal I took them out. If I wanted to fill my daughter's car up I met her at the gas station. I am also a huge proponent of cutting off contact for periods of time. I am a really black and white person- with me it's all or nothing. So this was a difficult lesson for me to learn- you can cut off contact for awhile, not forever. I have done it several times in the past with my daughter and it has served a couple of purposes. 1) It gave me some much needed peace! 2) It serves as a reset on the relationship when you have time away. 3) It forced me to stay in my lane and put my focus where it belongs- on myself. Learning to focus on my life, health and happiness separately from my daughter's was a recovery for me. I spent so much time and energy focusing on her chaos and feeling bad because of her problems that I was making myself mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and even physically sick. My responsibility is to me since my daughter is an adult. When I focus on me it also improves my relationship with my daughter. My health and happiness is no longer tied to hers. I can feel bad for a situation she is going through without letting it destroy my day. I'm not angry every time I talk to her because I truly believe that her journey is HER journey. I don't get to make the decisions. Also, when you aren't giving them money you don't feel like you should have a say in their lives. Interestingly as I've become more detached from my daughter she has improved her life. I know it's hard and I still sometimes struggle with boundaries and detachment, but I'm far better off than I used to be. Sending peace to you.