Little Update

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by JKF, Oct 30, 2014.

  1. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    Hi friends. It's been a while so I figured I'd give a little update. I believe the last time I posted I was planning on going "no contact" with difficult child. I tried but it didn't last long. I know, I'm weak sometimes. Something I need to work on. I did, however, greatly limit my contact with him. I would only take calls here and there and at night put on my "Do Not Disturb", but the last week or so I've somehow allowed him to creep back into my daily life. It's almost like falling off the wagon. Ugggggh!

    difficult child is still on the streets. He was living in a tent and then an abandoned gas station. He has the option to get shelter but doesn't want to go. It's about to get seriously cold here and he has no plans to get off the streets. Not sure if he's taking medications but I know he's constantly posting things on FB about killing himself. So pretty much nothing has changed.

    He text me this morning to tell me he and his "crew" - another homeless guy and his girlfriend - were in the next town over visiting difficult child's aunt. He said he took the train to our town and walked there. Great - so he was right near our house at some point this morning. That alone is enough to make me panic. I want him NOWHERE near my home! I told him to make sure he doesn't not come to the house because it will be a huge problem. Both my husband and I are upset that he makes no effort to get himself off the streets and he's not welcome in our home until he gets some serious help. Especially after everything that has happened in the past. He text me back with a whole bunch of nasty BS. How he doesn't need us or our help and that we need the help more than he does, etc. Sound familiar??

    I'm having a small panic attack because I hate confrontation but I'm more angry than anything. I'm angry at myself for allowing him back into my life enough to have to deal with yet another one of his rages and I'm angry at him for doing nothing to help himself and then trying to make ME feel like a failure. Same old cycle. Same roller coaster. Same s**t different day.

    As for me, in spite of the above ^^ I'm actually doing ok. I've been super stressed the last week or so but I'm trying to redirect myself and take it day by day. The holidays are coming up and I (like most of us here) stress big time over that. This year husband, easy child, and I will be away for Thanksgiving but I'm already worried about Christmas. I know difficult child will want to come for Christmas but it's more than likely that's not going to happen. Anyway, let's see - I'm still at my job (we were supposed to close in Sept but we're here now until Dec) and I've been doing some freelance on the side. I've also been making some crafts that I enjoy making and selling those. I've been eating healthy and have lost 10 lbs this month. Tomorrow is my 38th birthday and I'm actually excited about that. Friend's of ours are having a big costume party so we'll go celebrate there. husband and I are going to be hippies and easy child will be a zombie. easy child is mostly doing well. He's going through some typical teen stuff but we're dealing.

    I hope everyone here is well. I always read and follow along with everyone's stories but lately I seldom have the mental strength to post much. However, please know that I always keep you all in my thoughts and prayers!
  2. TearyEyed

    TearyEyed Member

    Hi JKF!

    Its good to hear from you. I am sorry the roller coaster continues, but it sounds like you are doing a good job taking care of yourself. I havent posted in a while either but read the posts here daily. Its a lifesaver. And HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!:party-mini: Enjoy your day tomorrow. I am a little panicky right now. I havent heard anyting from difficult child for close to three weeks. He has never gone this long without contacting me. His phone does straight to vmail. I have no idea where he is. I am trying to use all the tools I have learned here and its helping but I still have some very scary moments when all the "what ifs" start swirling around in my head. UGH. I dont know whether its better to hear from our difficult children or not. At least I would like to know if he's alive. This is hard stuff.

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  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hey you guys have a blast at the party.

    I did not understand why our difficult children chose homelessness, the cold and the elements to shelters until I read an e-book written by a homeless young man.He didn't like the mission's rules and refused to have a curfew, stay in all night or not get high during the night so he moved to a tent city where they had parties non-stop and kept warm by fires and did some jail time to break up the monotony (mouthed off to cops who told them to move). He did not seem to be bothered by either homelessness or jail. It was eerie. He kind of stayed on an even keel and never sounded desperate.

    His sister kept asking him to move in with her, but he kept refusing. They communicated by e-mail in the library. He had no cell phone. In spite of his sister's constant offers, he didn't want to leave his "friends" and considered this street life a growing experience. Who knows? Maybe it is. Or was for him. He finally did agree to move in with his sister and the book ends there. Wonder if she kept him or threw him out. He was a serious drug user.

    At any rate, I got some insight into why a street person would refuse a shelter. They have that nasty FIVE letter word...RULES. They all did know however when and where to get the food. None of them went hungry and they even got free tents from some do-gooders. They learn to live, if not mooch well, on the streets.

    Maybe it's best not to read your son's FB. His posts are probably just to scare you.

    Many hugs and good wishes.
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  4. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    Hi TE! It's good to hear from you too. I think about you often. Thanks for the Happy Birthday. I'm actually looking forward to this one. And I agree. It's a double edged sword with our difficult child's. Either we hear from them and get sucked into their drama or we don't hear from them and worry that they are hurt, dead, etc. Generally, I'm the kind of person who likes to know things so I can prepare for the worst but sometime knowing the actual situation is worse than anything I could ever imagine.

    MWM - do you remember the name of this book? I'd love to read it. I'm desperately trying to understand WHY he chooses to live like this. There are options he has to get off the streets but he refuses. I just don't get it. I think for me that's the most frustrating part. I'm beyond the initial fear of homelessness itself because I know he can survive it. But now I'm stuck on the fact the he refuses to get help for himself.

    You are 1000000% right! You have said this to me before and you were right then and you're right now! I need to STOP.
  5. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Happy Birthday JKF!! I hope you have a wonderful day and that this year turns out to be one of your best.

    I hope you have a great time at the party too.

    In spite of your own assessments, you are doing a really good job. The nature of this path is the up and down quality of it, it is just what is. We do the best we can and as Maya Angelou says, when we know better we do better. Give yourself a break & realize how far you've come in the last few years.................your boundaries are intact and you are enjoying your own life for the most part................that is HUGE.

    Celebrate your birthday and your always do the best you can and that's all any of us can do. Congrats on the weight loss, the free lance work, all of it.
  6. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    You're not going to "get it". Right now, he cannot handle living under anyone else's rules. Therefore, the best option, the one that gives him the most freedom, is living on the streets. Even shelters have rules. No, I haven't done it... but have relatives who have, for a few years.
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  7. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    Happy Early Birthday!

    Its good to hear from you. I am sorry your difficult child is still causing you trouble but I think you are heading in the right direction with detaching again for your sanity.
  8. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    Happy birthday JKF! I have thought about you and wondered how you were doing. I really admire how you are keeping your boundaries in place and redirecting when it all starts to pile up. I agree with the others; there is most likely no way to make sense of why they choose to live on the fringes as they do.
  9. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    JKF, I don't. Look up homelessness or homeless in Amazon. It may come up. I think that's how I found it. I was really surprised at why this kid did what he did. He explained it well. If I recall, the kid just didn't like curfew and some other rules. He found friends to hang out with and they sat around fires getting high and just hanging around outside, where nobody told them what to do. Jail didn't seem to faze him either. I thought it was awfully dumb of him to tell of a cop, but he didn't seem to second guess himself on that.

    Really, really a different mindset than the norm.

    And HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Do something totally naughty ;)
  10. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Oh, yeah. Let him know you are not checking his FB anymore. Heck, defriend him. He will probably cut out the suicide threats.
  11. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    Thanks so much everyone. I know I've come a long way with detaching and setting boundaries and the ability to say a firm no but it just pain sucks. It's exhausting. And as much as I try to move on he's always right there in the back of my mind. Especially now when it's supposed to get down into the 30's and he's sleeping in a park with two other "friends". It's supposed to be a long winter and I'm scared for him but it is what it is. He refuses to go to a shelter and I 100% refuse to budge on my boundaries.

    I also have to say it's so crazy how he skews reality to fit his situation. I had a big reminder of that today. He text me before from his aunt's house. His bio dad's sister who he hasn't seen in years allowed him to come there to shower today. He said she doesn't understand how a mother could allow her child to be homeless for 3 years. First of all, I didn't allow it. He chose it. Second it's been two years since he's technically been homeless but due to MY hard work of getting him into shelters and sending him to relatives, etc he's only been on the streets since June. Again, his choice. He burned all of his bridges knowingly and willingly and got kicked out of everyplace he's gone. It's so frustrating bc even though I could care less what the aunt thinks of me it bothers me that difficult child is perfectly fine with lying about how horrible I am.

    Anyway, I'm going to put it out of my mind tonight. I have my favorite candle burning and we're getting ready to have pizza. And as a birthday present to myself I took off from work tomorrow. I'm excited about the costume party and celebrating with my friends and I'm not going to allow difficult child to ruin that for me.

    Sent using ConductDisorders mobile app
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  12. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    :bdayiggy::bdayiggy:Hi JKF,

    Who knows if your ex sister-in-law really did say that, but if she did, why doesn't she open her home to him and show what a compassionate soul she is? If she did, she'll find out quick as your dad did what a disaster that would be. Just let it roll off your back, JKF - people don't know till they walk a mile in your shoes. It is going to be cold in NJ this weekend, but he has choices that have nothing to do with you. Please remember that.

    Have a wonderful birthday on Halloween! Enjoy the party and celebrate the wonderful person you are!!
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  13. Annie2007

    Annie2007 Member

    Have a great birthday. Reading your post could have been written by me. My son, who is 33, is homeless 3700 miles away. He has basically been homeless for I guess 2 years. He is not welcome here as I always have to call the police for mental threats as well as physically assaulting my disabled husband, his stepfather. He has called 5 times and several texts in the last 3 hours. I am not answering because I can't take the verbal assault. All he wants is money and help from family members...not gonna happen. I plan on a peaceful evening! Enjoy your day!
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  14. in a daze

    in a daze Well-Known Member

    Happy birthday! Have a great time. You deserve it!
  15. nlj

    nlj Well-Known Member

    Great day for a birthday Alb!
    I'm just carving the pumpkin and making pumpkin soup and cakes. My youngest daughter and I will be dressing up as witches later ready to answer the door to all the kids who get dressed up and walk around our village in the evening. Hope you have a lovely birthday. x
  16. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Good to hear from you, JKF. It sounds like all things considered, you're dealing with all this fairly well. I know it doesn't feel that way .. but it reads that way :)

    My eldest brother is 61, and has been homeless off and on for 20-30 years now. I know it drove my dad nuts in particular, trying to understand the "why" - they would take him in occasionally when they were alive, but always had to kick him out again eventually. As MWM mentioned, it really comes down to not wanting to live by society's rules. My brother has a pretty skewed view of the world. He's on Facebook occasionally, and I can tell when he's found somewhere to crash for a while when his posts start up again. I Google his name every once in a while, and once found an article where he was a witness to a shooting - it was kind of startling to see them refer to him as a "homeless musician." But that's what he is. 61, homeless, but still thinking he can put a rock band together and be a big star.

    I don't tell you that story to scare you into thinking that your difficult child will be homeless for so long, there is definitely hope -- but mostly to point out that people can and do survive on the streets, by choice, for a long time. In my brother's case, he ended up moving out west to a warmer climate-- imagine that, moving to a warmer climate so you would be more comfortable sleeping outside. My parents bought him the bus ticket.

    It's an odd life, being the parent of a difficult child.
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  17. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    Hi CVA! Long time no see! I'm glad you shared your story about your brother with me. It doesn't scare me at all. I know my difficult child will probably still be homeless at 61 - if he makes it that far - and the more I face that fact the stronger I get and the more I begin to heal.

    Anyway I just answered a call from difficult child thinking maybe just maybe he was calling to wish me a happy birthday. Ha! Silly me! How foolish of me to think my son could think of anyone other than himself. He started the call off with a nasty attitude telling me he's cold and he's at the McDonald's near our house. I said ok and ??? He said it's cold and his train isn't coming till 3. I said so call Street Smart and get a ride to the shelter. He started getting nasty so I said "what is it that you want me to do?" He said "apparently nothing like always." I said "That's enough. I'm done and by the way thanks for the Happy Birthday!" And I hung up.

    I have to admit I'm a little uneasy bc right now he's only 3 minutes walking distance from my house (the closest he's been in over a year). I'm really glad I'm home today bc if I see him or his friends anywhere near here I'm calling the cops immediately. I am also seething angry that he's doing this today. I planned to relax today and nap a bit and take a nice shower early so my hair looks nice for the party later. But now I'm all edgy and on guard waiting for the next shoe to drop. I want to scream obscenities at the top of my lungs right now and I may just do that! difficult child drama on my birthday! What else is new? But you know what? I'm going to try my best to turn it around and enjoy MY day nonetheless!

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  18. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    Here is the cleaned up version of the ranting text message he just sent me:

    Happy birthday. U won't hear from me. You say u wanna help? I don't want it. Go raise ur favorite child n live ur amazing life. At least one of ur children, the one who's not a homeless f**k up, has a chance n has a place. Happy f'ing birthday. Happy Halloween.happy f'ing holidays. Idgaf anymore. If I die out here one day BC I end up freezing to death, its BC my family didn't give a f**k. I don't make an effort? You sleep in a f'ing park n get harrasded by cops n then tell me I ain't f'ing trying. You go days without food or sleep n let me know how much it hurts to realize your family doesn't give a f**k about u. Let me know when u feel the darkness that haunts me daily. I don't need you. Uyou were never there anyway. Neither was dad. I hope I f'ing freeze BC I can't do this anymore... I give the f**k up. Maybe easy child won't turn out as bad as me. Or dad. You'll never hear from me again. If I make it, it'll be on my own. F**k love. F**k hope. F**k family. I don't need anyone. Either way, ur better off. All the s**t I've bottled Up for year's. You care? Then prove it. I never see u or my brother. I'm alone. You have no idea about the mental stress this BS puts me through. I don't sleep. I haven't slept in days. Let alone eaten. But who gives a crap about me. No one. My aunt helps me more than anyone else in the god dam family. No matter what I do, to u guys, I'll always be the f**k up I was when u decided to put me back in group homes. Like dad, you didn't wanna deal with me. I'm the f**k up, discarded, waste of life child u never wanted. I was a f'ing mistake... I'm done. This is my last day of phone service so u won't be hearing from me... Ever.

    So there you go. Here's a small glimpse of what I've put up with from difficult child for his whole life. When he lived here physical destruction would accompany these verbal rages. Never again. Never ever ever again will I allow that to happen in my home. I'm so thoroughly disgusted and sickened right now.

    Anyway his phone number is now blocked and all Facebook accounts on both my and easy child's page have been blocked as well.

    Xanax time now :)

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  19. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    Good for you for putting up those walls of protection. What he said is not only sad and wrong it is just down right hateful. Especially on your birthday!

    Take that Xanax and enjoy the rest of your day.
  20. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    This is bigger than you realize, JKF. You have given yourself permission to control access.

    That is huge.

    You know he is not out there alone. That is cold comfort I know...but you know he is not out there alone.

    You are so far ahead of where you were when this started, JKF. It seems to me that if we can unravel the thought processes that get us into that stuck place, we can free ourselves sooner. Then, we can reassess ourselves and our situations from that new perspective. Little steps, little triumphs and freedoms and lettings go, are good.

    Ha! Very happy for your 10# weight loss, happy that you are freelancing, that your crafts are selling too, that you and husband are dressing up and partying tonight.

    Happy Halloween!

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