Little Update

[Scent of Cedar *]

So then, I read the other posts.

When I read the one about the way your difficult child talks to you, JKF?

I wondered whether your difficult child and mine didn't somehow switch places.

Those are the exact kinds of things difficult child son has to say, to me. And I think that the truth of the matter is that if our sons stopped blaming anyone who will listen for where their lives have taken them and began taking responsibility themselves, they could turn everything around pretty quickly.

That is what I think about when I tell difficult child son to stand up like the man we raised him to be and etc.

He doesn't like hearing that any better than he likes hearing "no" regarding money and living arrangements...but for the most part, I am feeling fine about those things these days.

The names he comes up with for me shock me, but it is what it is, I guess. I think when I am free of that part, I will get it that the onus for calling your own mom bad names is on the (fully grown adult male) who does it.

It must have been impossibly hard to know your son was right there near your house. Did you feel guilty about that, or angry at the blatant manipulation of what difficult child did?

In a way, that was a gift to you.

Now you know how you feel, and you will be prepared if and when difficult child ups the ante.

You have really been tested JKF.

It seems that the power structure between yourself and difficult child son has shifted, that you have reclaimed the moral high ground of your own heart.

Remember when we were posting about the cold and the broken halleluiah...that is what I meant.

We look around and understand that where we finally got to with all this is nowhere we ever wanted to be...but we have survived it, have come out the other side.

Cedar

 

[GuideMe]

If I may ask, what is typical teen?

 

[BusynMember]

What a surprise (insert sarcasm). He didn't even say, while he ranted about his horrible life, "I've tried and tried to get jobs. I went to Job Services and they helped me fill out a resume so I can work. I've gone to social services to try to get admitted to a rehab." It's all about his mental anguish, which he causes himself and his living conditions, which are likely exaggerated, and which he does nothing to change.

From what I've read, few homeless young adults freeze even in the cold. There is a street culture and there are always places to go, lots of bonfires to get warm around, and food is not a problem. They know where to go for food. Again, having been on this forum for fifteen years at least, never once have I read about a difficult child who was even treated for hypthermia. If it happened, I am thinking the mother of the adult child would have been upset enough to post about it. And, of course, maybe it did come up and I missed it. But it wasn't a topic often here. Nor has any difficult child frozen to death. They use that to scare and manipulate us if we are in cold climates.

What they tend to almost all want is a free ride, a pass on drug use and responsibility, a rescue when jail/prison come calling, to be liked when they steal from us, lie to us and even assault us both physically and verbally. They also are very jealous of the siblings who choose to be normal. No, not all our difficult children fit this, but most do.

In the United States, we are a very individualistic culture. Our kids can not make it depending on dad and mom, aunt or uncle, grandma or grandpa. Those few who are willing, mostly demand at least that their house rules be followed. Our difficult children have no idea about personal responsibility. It is always about somebody bailing them out when they break the law or just act intolerably or dangerously or both.

I am sorry you have dealt with this, as most of us have, JKF. I am also proud of the Warrior Mom you've become, taking care of your own needs, setting boundaries, and saying "no." Your son will not freeze or starve or even be alone in the world if he continues to choose antisocial behavior and the streets. Bad things may happen to him, but those bad things can happen while he is out in the streets amongst drug users (his friends) even if he lives with you because often our difficult children aren't home very much. And when they are not home, they make dangerous choices. That is why I would never allow a difficult child to live in my house, my castle and be able to stay out all night with no curfew and no accountability. I would worry too much. I tend to worry less when they are not living with me. When th ey do, I get so nervous I go out and hunt for them if they are out late or call the cops and go out too...it is easier to have distance, in my opinion. It brings a measure of peace-of-mind.

You deserve that very much. You've done everything a parent can possibly do to help his/her adult child and he keeps sabotaging your efforts. That sabotage is on his head, not yours. His words are just changing reality a.k.a. gaslighting.
If you can, don't read his words, at least for a while. Take a break and enjoy your life the best you can.

 

[nlj]

If I may ask, what is typical teen?

Terrible Teens?
(a bit like the 'Terrible Twos' except you can't escape by putting them to bed with a teddy at 6 p.m. any more)

 

[GuideMe]

Terrible Teens?
(a bit like the 'Terrible Twos' except you can't escape by putting them to bed with a teddy at 6 p.m. any more)

Ohhhh, ok! Yup, I have one of those! Putting that in my bio asap!

 

[JKF]

It means "typical teen" although I like "terrible teens" too! Hahaha

Anyway - we had a great time at the party. So much fun!! And easy child had fun trick or treating with his friends. Today it's cold, rainy, and windy and we're all doing nothing but relaxing in our pj's and watching movies, etc. We're going to order takeout from our favorite Mexican place for dinner and my husband will get a bottle of our favorite sangria.

I am having some guilt over difficult child but I have to admit it's nice not being able to get his calls/texts and see what he posts on FB. I'm sure he's posted all sorts of terrible things by now. I have to keep reminding myself that he has options if he wants them. He doesn't HAVE to be on the streets. He's choosing to be on the streets and I refuse to allow him to blame his situation on me. I have done everything to help him and more. And he has the nerve to say his family never helped him? Total bs! Makes me very angry!

Anyway - I'll post more later when I'm on the computer. I want to respond to some of your replies individually but it's impossible to do that on this phone.


Sent using ConductDisorders mobile app

 

[Albatross]

Anyway his phone number is now blocked and all Facebook accounts on both my and easy child's page have been blocked as well.

Good for you, JKF. I am so happy that you are shutting off those nonsensical attacks. I haven't known your story long, but in even that short of a time I know you don't deserve any of that talk or treatment.

And it sounds like you had a wonderful birthday!

 

[Annie2007]

Omg that text your son wrote on Oct 31 is exactly like my son has been telling me for so many years. He is killing me. Hang in there.

 

[JKF]

So I have to admit, I haven't gone 100% no contact with my son bc that's something I just can't do. I've thought long and hard about it and it's just not something I am comfortable with at this point. In spite of EVERYTHING he has done and the destruction he's caused I can't bring myself to not talk to him ever. However, I have really limited my contact and I've adapted a new policy, much like MWM, where I will talk to him as long as he's being respectful but the second he starts becoming abusive I'll end the call immediately. I definitely can live with that but no contact at all just doesn't feel right to me at this time.

Anyway, after his "lovely" text on my birthday I blocked his # for a couple of days. On Sunday I unblocked it and immediately he called me. He must have been trying to call repeatedly because it literally rang the second I unblocked him. He apologized for his rant and said he was sorry. I accepted his apology but made it clear to him that I will not allow him to speak to me that way. He said he understands but who knows how long that will last. However, I feel good about being in control of what I will allow from him. If he starts sending nasty texts I will block him for a few days. If he is nasty to me on the phone I will hang up and not take calls for a few days.

He is still refusing to go to a shelter and I need to make myself stop asking him why and lecturing him on why he needs to go. It creates tension among us. He gets angry when I ask him and I get angry when he says he's not going. One of the reasons he won't go is because of his "crew". He says they are his family and he won't leave them. I guess I have to accept that and move on. It's his choice. I can't control his choices. I can only control my own. I have to accept the fact that he has an option to go to the shelter if he decides to but I can't make him go. I will continue my boundaries of not allowing him in our home because I simply can't allow him here for safety reasons but I will stop nagging him about going to a shelter. He'll go if and when he wants to go and if he needs help calling or getting there I will help him.

There is a saying that I often repeat to myself these days: "What you allow is what will continue". Those words are so very true and as hard as it is at times to set boundaries and stay firm it's the way it has to be if he's ever going to change. It's up to him at this point to do the work he needs to do to better his life. I will help when I can but I will not enable and I will not allow abuse from him in any way, shape or form.

 

[BusynMember]

JKF, you are so very right. I do block 37 when he gets out of line. He is much nicer when I finally take his calls. You don't need to go completely no contact to filter what you will allow in your life; how you will accept being treated. Nobody can cause you angst unless you let them do it. Nobody can abuse you unless you allow it. I have started taking total responsibility for how others make me feel because I have the ability to change it.

Good for you!!!!

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

I love the strength in your posting. Remember the last time he came home, and there was a party of some kind at your house. You were worn so thin between worry for your son and anger at him and fear for yourself and your home....

You have come so far, JKF.

Cedar

 

[Albatross]

I agree with MWM and Cedar. You have such strength and clarity of what you expect from him now. My hero!

 

[recoveringenabler]

Your resolve and strength show in your post JKF, you're clear and have that certainty we gain through our trials with our kids........you have really come a long way........and I know sometimes it doesn't feel quite that way because each step is so difficult and emotional.........but you've put your boundaries in place and you know what you can live with. There are no right and wrong answers, all we can do is our best, what feels right in our hearts........ and you've done that. You are a true warrior mom and I am proud of you for getting where you are.........it ain't easy.

 

[Tanya M]

Hi JKF,
I am new to this site but not new to the issues. I too have a 33 year old difficult child that is homeless in CO. I've been on this up and down ride for years. So many of our stories mirror each other. It is hard with the winter months upon us to not worry but these difficult child's have made their choice. I know my own difficult child has very high intelligence but does not temper that with any common sense, you would think coming in out of the cold would be a no brainer. It sounds like you are doing well and have set clear boundaries. Thanks for sharing.

 

[JKF]

Thank you all for the kind words. I would never have come this far without the tremendous support I've received over the years from everyone here. It's crazy to think I've been here almost 3 1/2 years! And what a ride it's been!!! Holy moly!

difficult child finally decided to call some shelters today, however too little too late. Every shelter he called is filled to the max due to the rain and cold weather here. He was frustrated but I suggested he keep trying everyday. For now, he said he and his crew "hopped a train" back to another town where they often frequent. There are many resources in that town so although it's cold I'm not super freaked out bc I know he knows the ropes. Ugggh! "The ropes" of homelessness. What a concept. But it is what it is.

Anyway, he and his crew have hatched a new plan which is to go to Florida. Apparently the office of temp assistance will give them each a one way bus ticket to get there. I told him that running away from his problems won't solve anything and that even if he goes to Florida he'll still be homeless and he'll still be mentally ill and will need to make an effort in order to get his life together. He said he knows but at least it's warm there and supposedly "there are a ton of services". I guess he has a point about it being warm there and I admit, secretly I'm kind of hoping he goes because I do best when there is a little distance between us. I know that sounds so horribly awful but it's true. And who knows? Maybe this is the next necessary step in his life. Maybe he'll find help there. Maybe it will be a game changer. Maybe......

 

[recoveringenabler]

Well, maybe he will go and it will work out. He seems to land on his feet all the time in spite of his issues.

Like so many of our kids, he likely doesn't have an ability for 'future thinking', his life is lived in the immediate NOW, no thoughts of tomorrow and how he will work it all out. That usually puts us in the nasty position of having to do ALL of their future thinking for them. We worry, try to figure it out, try to avert catastrophe, so we endlessly live in their future trying to work out the details, while they are happily or at least simply living in the moment.........and our present moments are wracked with fears and worries for their futures. That's a thought pattern that becomes our reality after awhile..........we're not living in our present moment and enjoying our own lives, we're living in their future.

I did that for a long time JKF. And then I realized it doesn't work. All I was doing was worrying. Worrying didn't change anything at all, but it was successfully robbing me of my life, minute to minute. Instead of being in my present moment, I was worrying about what might happen to my daughter..........someday.........

Whatever he does he's gonna do. It probably would be better if he was far away. I think many of us share that feeling JKF, you're not alone. But whatever he does, make an intention now to let it go, don't take any more of your precious moments and give them away to your difficult child's future..........he is in charge of that..............and he is going to do whatever he wants to do.............

As you said, "he knows the ropes." He really does. That's his world. His choice.

While he's looking into traveling, do some kind and fun things for yourself..........every day.

Sending warm hugs...........hope you have a good book and a cozy night.