Little Update

[BusynMember]

Oh, dang. Ok. I feel so bad for you. I hope your son comes to his senses on his own. It can be controlled...hugs for your hurting heart and my heartfelt dose of caring.

 

[Lil]

Oh Copa I'm so sorry. I forget that sometimes in the frustration and pain of dealing with him, that things could be so much worse, and to just be glad he's healthy and alive. The rest is up to him.

Hugs to you my friend. I wish I could offer more.

 

[pasajes4]

Watching our children self destruct emotionally, physically, morally and not be able to do anything, is just unbearable. I am finding myself disconnecting from my son just to survive. It is safer to deal with the situation from an emotional distance.

 

[Lil]

It's just so wrong that we can't do anything to help our children. Last night when he started in texting about how he can't get a ride to the hospital and can't go to work and will get fired, and how he doesn't want to get fired, I was a wreck. Of course, it IS all his fault. He told them his back was hurting - I'm sure because he wanted to get a cushier job or a night off - and instead he'll likely get fired. Just another example of how his laziness hurts him. He may not have intended this, but anyone with any brains would know a company takes these things seriously.

He has an aunt in the town the hospital is in...but I can't involve her after the grandparent fiasco. I did eventually tell him that my only idea was to call his grandma, I didn't know what she'd say and realistically, I didn't have any good ideas. His response was, "They would have no way to find me without perfect directions and it's okay...I just don't wanna lose literally the only job I can get down here."

Huh?

If he doesn't want to lose the job, would he NOT call and ask them? Would he not try to give them perfect directions? Would he not maybe give them a mailing address to GPS? So...not as desperate as he is trying to make it sound, apparently.

If I were him I'd be begging for a ride and offering people $ when I get paid...which I can't get without the doctor. This girl lived there for high school...does she have no friends? Could he not call the job and tell them..."I can't get a ride to the hospital. I can't come back until I do. Can I maybe resign and then reapply once I'm cleared so I don't get fired?"

He's not stupid. He should have thought of all these things. It's SO HARD for me to NOT make these suggestions! It's SO HARD for me to not try to help.

I have my ringer off on my phone. I'm going to try very hard to not look at it. I have Do not Disturb on my office phone. Jabber is the only one who calls me anyway, other than my son. All in all, I'm having kind of a sad and sucky day.

 

[Jabberwockey]

So...not as desperate as he is trying to make it sound, apparently.

I guess you didn't catch his FB post Friday about having a good night with some Steel Reserve 211's and a movie? He is apparently so concerned about this that he got drunk Friday night.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

Last night when he started in texting about how he can't get a ride to the hospital and can't go to work and will get fired, and how he doesn't want to get fired, I was a wreck.

Lil? I'm sorry, but the roommate has a car. That is how they all get to work.

Think for just a minute, Lil.

Why is he telling you he doesn't want to get fired? Why is he telling you it is out of his hands.

Why is he telling you, Lil.

I would be so upset and worried, too.

Then? You would be pointing out to me what I would not allow myself to see or understand.

"They would have no way to find me without perfect directions and it's okay...I just don't wanna lose literally the only job I can get down here."

...

"...literally the only job I can get down here."

"I just don't wanna lose literally the only job I can get down here."

Lil, is son aware that you and Jabber are planning a getaway?

Cedar

 

[Lil]

I just said he's not that concerned.

That's what sucks about this. I'M concerned. I don't want to feel this way! I don't want to be worried about him! I'm tired of being worried about him!

But just like me telling him to get his head out of his butt doesn't make him do it - me telling myself not to be worried and concerned and upset, doesn't make me actually not be worried and concerned and upset.

 

[Lil]

Lil? I'm sorry, but the roommate has a car. That is how they all get to work.

Actually, he told me she had moved out, but was still driving them to work. When the walmart thing happened, he complained she wouldn't take them to walmart until the next day.

See, that's the thing, he has an answer for everything. She'll drive them all to work, but she won't drive him to the hospital. It's possible. I mean, why would she? She's just some woman who used to be his girlfriend mom's roommate.

Why is he telling you he doesn't want to get fired? Why is he telling you it is out of his hands.

Why is he telling you, Lil.

Beats the Hell out of me.

Lil, is son aware that you and Jabber are planning a getaway?

He may be, I posted it on Facebook. But that's a month away. I can't imagine what that would have to do with this.

 

[Copabanana]

Lil, he does not want the job. He does not want the girl. He does not want the trailer. He does not want the town.

Nothing is to his standards. The accoutrements fall far short. He is not interested. It is just all so not worth his trouble.

He wants you to pick him up and wants to come home....to you.

 

[Lil]

Lil, he does not want the job. He does not want the girl. He does not want the trailer. He does not want the town.

Nothing is to his standards. The accoutrements fall far short. He is not interested. It is just all so not worth his trouble.

He wants you to pick him up and wants to come home....to you.

I'd think that too...except that means he goes to jail and he knows it. He's made no remarks at all that indicate that he wants to come home and he knows he can't come home. He hasn't had that option since last October.

And maybe he does want it. Maybe he does want mommy to take care of everything and let him come home. Why wouldn't he. I want that. With all my heart, I want him home.

That doesn't mean I'm going to allow it. Because I don't want HIM the way he is. I want the son who works for a living and is respectful and sober. I want the son I can't have. He doesn't exist.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

It helps me when one of us here gives me words to say, Lil. If you have more information, then you ~ well, then you have more information. So, the thing other moms told me was to say this to whatever my son said. It helped me to have those words.

"Oh, no! I'm so sorry that's happening. What are you going to do."

or

"Oh, no! I can't believe this is happening. Just when things were going so well for you, too! Man! We were so proud and happy for you! I know you will figure it out, honey. We love you so much. Let us know what happens, okay?"

I know that saying or texting a different kind of words will not change the concern you feel. But those different kinds of words change your position just a little. Responsibility for his position is back where it belongs. With your son. At the least, these responses will give you time to think.

Lil? Imagine I am saying this in the gentlest way possible, okay?

These are the ways manipulations begin.

It isn't that he hurt his back. That could happen to anyone. It isn't that a hospital visit, or a doctor's visit, is required before he can come back to work. It is that your child is so determined for you to know how deeply and sincerely he wanted the only possible job there is for him and through circumstances utterly, absolutely, totally beyond his control, he is going to lose it and it isn't his fault. In part because, even if someone could be found who would be willing to drive him to the doctor? They would never, ever, be able to find the house where he lives.

Lil?

Would they not hold the position until the employee could see a doctor?

Is it possible to charge a cab ride for him on your credit card? Google cabs in his city. The phone numbers will be there, online. To the hospital and then, to work so the office will know he is cleared for his shift that night. The cab company will be able to give you an estimate of the cost based on mileage. You don't need to know anything more than where to pick up. The cab company will know where the hospital and the factory are. You could maybe charge a pizza in son's name in the town he is in so he could have dinner before his shift.

Pizza place numbers will be on google, too.

Money can be wired to the person with the car through WalMart Green Dot. You go to WalMart and buy the Green Dot card. Text the number on the back to son. The WalMart where they are will cash the Green Dot card.

I think it costs $5.

It has been awhile since we have done that.

Making the phone calls will give you something to do and again, time to think.

When daughter was homeless, I learned many things through researching available solutions and making phone calls.

You are not helpless.

You have choices about how to respond to this.

And maybe he does want it. Maybe he does want mommy to take care of everything and let him come home. Why wouldn't he. I want that. With all my heart, I want him home.

I'm sorry, Lil. What you want, what each of us wants, is for our kids to be okay. Home would be best, absolutely. To know where he is. To see him and be able to look into his eyes and touch him and to know he is well. To be in school. Or, if that isn't feasible at this point, to be working.

To be living at home and working would be just fine.

Bottom line is that we want them to survive. You can always bring him home.

You can.

Let him not know that for this little while.

Cedar

 

[Jabberwockey]

Is it possible to charge a cab ride for him on your credit card?

Yes, this is possible. Problem is, its what he wants us to do. He wants mom to fix it for him so he doesn't have to put out any effort to fix it himself. This is possible. It is not, however, an option.

You can always bring him home.

No, we really cant. I wont have someone living in my house that I cant trust to not steal from us. I will not put locks on our bedroom door and start gathering up valuables every night. I work in a prison, I refuse to live in one. Then there is the fact that he more than likely has an active warrant here so we couldn't bring him back even if we wanted to. Had everything worked out before he left to take care of this and he chose to flee instead of deal with it.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

He wants mom to fix it for him so he doesn't have to put out any effort to fix it himself.

You are probably right. Still, in the endless justification of why he is certain to lose the one and only job possible...it feels like a manipulation to me. Like a beginning of starting something that will bring him back to your town.

I was speaking figuratively about moving home, Jabber. In the sense that you do have the power to make that choice but have decided, for exactly the reasons listed, to make, and stick to, the choices you have made.

I wish none of this were happening to any of us. I am very sorry it is happening to you two.

Cedar

 

[Jabberwockey]

Still, in the endless justification of why he is certain to lose the one and only job possible...it feels like a manipulation to me. Like a beginning of starting something that will bring him back to your town.

He may be in a small town but this is far from the only job available. There will still be gas stations, grocery stores, restaurants, etc... although there wont be many. He's just trying to launch the SS Pity Party. As far as it being a manipulation, I think its much more about keeping Lil sympathetic to his plight than trying to manipulate her into any specific action. And him coming back here??? See my last post. Without checking, I'm 99% certain that he has an active warrant in this town and he KNOWS that I will have to turn him in if he shows up here.

 

[Lil]

It is that your child is so determined for you to know how deeply and sincerely he wanted the only possible job there is for him and through circumstances utterly, absolutely, totally beyond his control, he is going to lose it and it isn't his fault.

I agree - he wants my complete sympathy and for me to see him as a person bad things happen to - not as a person who screws up his life himself. I think HE sees HIMSELF that way. If I could only fix ONE thing about him...that would be it. I'd make it so he understood that these things are HIS doing.

He has not asked me for help. I will not offer it. Why should I come riding to the rescue, even if it's only by offering a credit carded cab ride to the hospital?

HE can think of these things. HE can ask me - politely. Then - MAYBE - I would consider it. Him asking at least means he's serious about getting cleared to return to work.

No, we really cant. I wont have someone living in my house that I cant trust to not steal from us. I will not put locks on our bedroom door and start gathering up valuables every night. I work in a prison, I refuse to live in one. Then there is the fact that he more than likely has an active warrant here so we couldn't bring him back even if we wanted to. Had everything worked out before he left to take care of this and he chose to flee instead of deal with it.

Jabber's right. As I said, I want him home, but I don't want HIM. Not like he is. I want a mature, responsible, son.

Would I give him a second chance? Maybe. Probably. But Jabber is, as you can see, very much against it. I won't do that to my marriage. It feels a bit like I'm choosing sides - choosing my husband over my son, which I said I'd never do, but I agree with Jabber. A friend told us they had put locks on their doors when their daughter was home and wore the key around their necks and I thought, "That's nuts!" I wouldn't do that, just trust nothing would go missing. Of course, I get hurt every time, because I do trust.

Even if he wanted to come home and just be homeless, not to our house, it would be on the condition that I take him directly to the police department. Jabber has no discretion - he'd lose his job if he didn't report him if he knew there was a warrant and I would never put him in the position of turning in his son. He was offered that option. If he ever wanted to come back, I would support him by going to court with him, but unless he wants to face the music, he's on his own.

 

[Lil]

He may be in a small town but this is far from the only job available.

The issue isn't that it's the only job...it's that it's the only job he had a ride to get to...which makes it the only job.

 

[AppleCori]

I think sometimes they just ignore the reality of the situation.

He cant come home because he will immediately go to jail, but maybe he thinks mom and dad can just magically fix it and make everything go away.

 

[Jabberwockey]

But Jabber is, as you can see, very much against it.

Right now, yes, I'm very much against it. If I saw some change in him, saw that he was trying to be responsible and fix his life then I would be much less opposed to it. Even then though, there would be rules. If he failed to follow ANY of those rules then he would be out.

 

[Jabberwockey]

The issue isn't that it's the only job...it's that it's the only job he had a ride to get to...which makes it the only job.

His all or nothing thinking. Granted, not sure exactly where he is staying but he could walk to work if needed. Or he could have gone into a bigger city where he could stay at the shelter and ride the bus to work.

 

[AppleCori]

I remember the last time Difficult Child lived with us.

Dad was cleaning Difficult Child's bathroom on a Saturday morning while Difficult Child was sitting on the couch watching the TV.

Dad was irritated because he didn't want to be cleaning the toilet on a Saturday morning after working all week.

I was irritated because I felt like hubby partially blamed me for his having to clean the toilet.

Difficult Child seemed to be clueless as to why everyone was irritated. He seemed to feel no responsibility at all for the chaos he had created.

And, the strange part is that we really expected no more from him than we expect from the then-9yo (except to get a job, of course).

But, other than that: don't lie, don't steal, clean up after yourself, do some chores around the house, mind your manners, use your inside voice (dont yell or curse at anyone).

My little one has no difficulties with this.

That is the most confounding part.