Little white lies...make me petty

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by dstc_99, Sep 21, 2015.

  1. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    So here's my issue:

    Two months ago Tay got engaged and she lied about the circumstances. There was no reason to lie. For some reason she felt the need to keep it going until recently when someone asked her how her fiance proposed in front of me. The real story came out. The fiance asked her while on a fancy date, then asked her dads permission the next day. She? or He? didn't want us to know he asked her before us so she lied. I knew she lied when she told us the first time. Who goes on a date to the most expensive restaraunt in a 50 mile radius then gets engaged in a driveway the next day? LOL We could have cared less if he asked our permission. (I did think it was nice though. kinda sweet).

    The wedding is in two months. Now we find out she is married already. They tied the knot around a two weeks ago. They once again didn't want us to know. husband found out when he went online to update his records after moving to a new position in the military. Amazingly enough Tay's last name was her fiances last name. I had to explain to husband that there are only two ways to change your name in the military. Legal name change or marriage. It also explained why her fiance had to move out of the barracks on short notice. When husband asked her about it she begged him not to tell the fiance he knew because the fiance was worried husband would be mad. Once again there was no reason to lie. We could care less.

    I'm being petty because I am irritated! Seriously we aren't traditional or old school. The fiance has been practically living with us for months now. There was no reason to lie. I've been biting my tongue and kissing her butt just to get through the wedding. There is no drama going on as far as she is concerned.

    I'm also being petty because I don't appreciate my sister in law lying to me twice already. I know they are simple little things but it's the point. WHY LIE? We don't care about any of the stuff. Plus now I question all the things they say because the little white lies.

    I am doing my best to be supportive of the planning and NOT cross the line. Basically, I show up say what she needs to hear and possibly utter a recommendation if I feel she is open to it. Lord forbid I make a real suggestion or I actually say what I think. It sucks! I wan't to be that loving mother that assists her but I am pretty positive if I actually tried to behave that way it would be catastrophic.
     
  2. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    I get it. Why lie. If it was me, I would say something, but that's me. If I tried to act like I was none the wiser, I would start to seethe, and probably end up blowing a gasket over something minor.
     
  3. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    On the bright side--they are already married so you don't have to go through all that wedding planning!

    Congratulations to you all.

    I hope this works out well for them.

    Are they going to get their own place soon?
     
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Congratulations...I think. To me, I'd not want my kids married that young, but that would not be my choice, as it was not yours. I hope the husband can support her (without taking money from you), take her to their own home, and comes from a stable home (I think that's important). And I'd be mad if my kid did that to me too, but I wouldn't bring it up as I stay out of the way regarding their decisions.I hope the two of them are mature enough to handle such a big commitment. I got married at 20 and it did last for 17 years...but he was a lot older than me...27. Although it wasn't a good match, he did know how to be responsible.

    I really, really hope Tay is happy and that it works out for the longterm :)
     
  5. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    If it were me I'd get it out in the open and clear the air.

    I understand your irritation, I would be too. Who knows what their true motives are for keeping it under wraps.

    Wishing you all the best!!
     
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  6. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    This is my concern.

    Oh how I wish! Nope the wedding is still on. She doesn't want anyone to know so that it doesn't take away from that magical day. HEHE

    Yes they are actually moving in to an apartment this week. It is one of the reasons they got married. As a Soldier he gets a housing allowance that is quite nice if he is married.

    Well he is a Soldier so the income is steady. They move this week. His family is stable now but I also know there were several marriages prior to that. Of course his parents have been together atleast 21 years now.

    She knows we know. We are biting our tongues for now with the Husband since she asked us to.
     
  7. Jabberwockey

    Jabberwockey Well-Known Member

    Just my opinion based on how I am so take it for what its worth but if you are so irritated by the lie why help to perpetuate it? Under normal circumstances, lying to me is the quickest way to make me angry. I couldn't, in good conscience, do this for her. I'm not saying to rush out and inform the new son in law that you know, but don't hide the fact that you know either.
     
  8. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    Dstc, I am sorry.

    Ugh. I hate lies. I hate posturing. I hate pretending. I hate all of the energy and dancing it takes not to tell the truth.

    I have finally learned that knowing the truth...and having to tell the truth, to prove I know the truth, and play the gotcha game...doesn't really accomplish anything either.

    My father is a major "posturer". He likes to make everything "sound good." If you confront him on it, he gets enraged. He lives in a fantasy world, where everybody is successful and accomplished. If you aren't, he's disappointed in you and kind of writes you off. If you provide information to the contrary, he disregards it. It is very immature and sad behavior.

    Difficult Child used to lie if his mouth was moving. Living around people who lie all the time keeps you tense and anxious, always looking at them out of the corner of your eye...what are they going to come up with this time?

    It's really hard to have a relationship with people who lie. I would say impossible, really.

    In your case, who knows what they were thinking? Just tell you. Like you said, you wouldn't care one way or the other. So now, you have been asked to keep it quiet. I understand how that sticks in your craw, and I also can understand why you would do it.

    Sometimes it's just not worth it to stage a big confrontation to show "you know the truth."

    You know it, and that's enough.

    Can you work to accept this and in time, just...let it float away?

    People are impossible to understand, aren't they?
     
  9. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    Dstc, I am sorry.

    Ugh. I hate lies. I hate posturing. I hate pretending. I hate all of the energy and dancing it takes not to tell the truth.

    I have finally learned that knowing the truth...and having to tell the truth, to prove I know the truth, and play the gotcha game...doesn't really accomplish anything either.

    My father is a major "posturer". He likes to make everything "sound good." If you confront him on it, he gets enraged. He lives in a fantasy world, where everybody is successful and accomplished. If you aren't, he's disappointed in you and kind of writes you off. If you provide information to the contrary, he disregards it. It is very immature and sad behavior.

    Difficult Child used to lie if his mouth was moving. Living around people who lie all the time keeps you tense and anxious, always looking at them out of the corner of your eye...what are they going to come up with this time?

    It's really hard to have a relationship with people who lie. I would say impossible, really.

    In your case, who knows what they were thinking? Just tell you. Like you said, you wouldn't care one way or the other. So now, you have been asked to keep it quiet. I understand how that sticks in your craw, and I also can understand why you would do it.

    Sometimes it's just not worth it to stage a big confrontation to show "you know the truth."
    You know it, and that's enough.

    One thing I do today when I know I've been lied to is create some more boundaries in the relationship. Without any additional conversation. Because watching what people do is all you need to know.

    Can you work to accept this and in time, just...let it float away?
     
  10. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    See this is exactly me. I hate to be lied to. Basically husband are doing this. We aren't going to force the truth out but we aren't going to hide it. In all honesty it changes nothing. They are moving in together this week.

    I guess what eats me is that they don't seem to realize that little white lies add up to much larger distrust. Someday soon they are gong to need support or help and I may not trust them completely. husband is actually more upset than he is letting on. His son in law is lying to him already. I think that is upsetting him because he wants a good relationship and the son in law is a good kid so he just doesn't understand.
     
  11. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Well, there is no way I would 'go along' and pretend I didn't know they were already married.

    That would make me a willing participant.

    Is this a new trend (maybe a GFGG trend) to get married and then expect a wedding?????

    My niece did the same thing (and she is a Difficult Child)!
     
  12. Jabberwockey

    Jabberwockey Well-Known Member

    Very much so. And as all of us here know, damaged trust is VERY difficult to repair. Maybe you could confront your daughter in private and tell her how you feel about this?
     
  13. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    Have you discussed this with the kids in just this way?

    Not so much from the compromise of integrity that is bugging you (and would bug me, too), but in helping them see they are cheapening something sacred (this new beginning) when they wrap it in "That others approve what happens between us is more important than what happens between us."

    If you haven't already done so, this would be a beneficial conversation to have with the kids now, in the beginning. It goes back to: There is no trust without respect, and there is no love without trust.

    It goes back to "If they'll do it with you, they'll do it to you."

    Really, the question is about who each of them will be, in this new life they are creating together. The underlying precepts of our marriages, and of our family relationships ~ even if the true things are really nasty, we can get through them if we can figure out what really happened. We will never get it right if our thinking is messed up because the lie became the truth that was always a lie no matter how many times someone told us it was true.

    It's hard enough to figure out what is real. It matters very much that the other guy in our relationships can be trusted at least to tell us the truth as he knows it to be.

    That's why it would be a valuable conversation to have with the kids. They are going to proceed as they decide to, but at least you will have given them another way to see the harm in condoning deceit in any new beginning.

    It spirals in ways we cannot foresee.

    Cedar
     
  14. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    I have to sit Tay down this weekend to discuss the wedding plans which she is way behind on. When I do I am going to talk to her about it. I don't appreciate being put in the position she has us in. I might not bring it up but I am also not going to lie for them. If I am asked I will answer truthfully.
     
  15. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    My son ran off and got married when he got married. It was his ex's idea, but he went along with her. I didn't really care because I didn't think it was a good match and wedding would have been painful. They weren't living with us, but they COULD have told us before they did it, but they didn't tell anybody. I really didn't give it that much thought. His ex liked to keep secrets. Like their baby (my grandson's) name until he was born. Stuff like that. Well, now they are divorced and my son is learning just how shockingly dishonest and deceitful she is and he used to go along with anything she wanted to keep the peace.

    Tay may learn. There is actually nothing wrong with not telling us what they do, but if it is how they deal with situations in general, it will probably come back to bite them in the buttocks with others and maybe even each other. I do understand why you are upset. I would probably be more puzzled than anything. Maybe they thought you'd be mad?

    Who knows!!!!

    Wishing them great luck ;)
     
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