Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Substance Abuse
Living with a Paradox
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 651076" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Ok. Let me see if I got this right.</p><p></p><p>He started drinking in high school and probably more than you think. My daughter drank and I didn't think she drank at all. She did drugs...we knew that, but not about the drinking. We also did not know how heavy her drug use was. They hide it well. So I'll assume this started in high school and then escalated at nineteen so that he could not hide it anymore.</p><p></p><p>You are very involved in his life still and it was you who got the antiabuse, not him. Would he take it if you did make him leave? Only his own motivation will keep him on it. You can't give him the pills forever and one day will probably want him out.</p><p></p><p>He has abused ADHD drugs. So did my daughter. Adderrall is hot on the street and when she took it, ten years ago, it went for ten bucks a crack. So your did HAS dabbled in drugs. They put it into pillcrushers and snort it, either alone or with other drugs. Speed is addiction, used that way, and can lead to meth, as it did with my daughter.</p><p></p><p>He is sort of a functional alcoholic at times and did graduate college, however he is blowing it because of his drinking, a sure sign of alcoholism. If he is going to, say, be a pharmacist, he may consider another profession, although my father was a pharmacist and drug abuse is rampant amongst pharmacists. His partner at his store died in a bathrub of Quaalude abuse (drowned). May not be a good profession for a man who is prone to addiction because they can pretty much take what they want...</p><p></p><p>Most of our adult children have underlying disorders, even if they are good young men and women and don't abuse anything. My daughter who did not abuse anything has severe LDs but did not take drugs and does not drink. My other daughter, who is ten years older, did take drugs and drink. She was very shy and told me it helped her loosen up. Doesn't matter. She almost screwed up her life too. She was in three serious accidents before she quit. The latter two were not in our car, as we had long taken our vehicle from her. We knew she was a menace on the road and did not want to participate in her possibly getting killed or killing somebody else. She owed one woman $15,000 for an accident while driving one of her idiot "friends" cars long after she was clean. There are consequences. Her father finally paid it off for her because she obviously was done using drugs. Until then, she did not get a penny from him or me. And we made her leave at nineteen,w hich is the age in which she decided to quit. I think it is better to let them go th an hang onto them and take care of them, but that's easier said than done. My daughter had somewhere to go, although it was not by any means for certain that it would last. One slip up and she would have been in the streets. Which leads me to the last issue...</p><p></p><p>Why is your son driving? Is he driving YOUR car? If so, why do you allow it? That's incredibly dangerous.</p><p></p><p>If my kid would have called me drunk from some bar, which she never did, she would have had to stumble home. Or get a ride from a friend. We did not chase her around town after she turned eighteen. Before that, yes. She started her "adventure" at age twelve and we did all we could at the time. If she had continued along her path at 25, we would never have helped her at all anymore. Not my circus/not my monkey (or vice versa/forgot). We don't drink or do drugs. SHE did. At age 25 your son is responsible for what he does.</p><p></p><p>The thing is Daughter, knowing she had to do it herself, quit.<u><em> She quit everything</em></u>. She doesn't even smoke cigarettes anymore, which is a big joy to me...I'm a smoking nazi who used to throw her ciggies in the garbage and refused to let her smoke in the house.</p><p></p><p>Does my way work for all addicts? No. There is no one way to do it or one answer. My daughter refused serious therapy or rehab so she just quit on her own and told us afterward. You can imagine what we thought when she told us: "Suuuuuuuuuuuure you quit." But she had left all her druggies friends behind and was working steadily and did not take up with other druggies in her new town and we had to acknowledge it after a year or so. We are proud of her. She wanted it so she did it. And that's the key.</p><p></p><p>I personally feel that your son should be taking his own pills and if he doesn't, you will know and then you will be able to judge how serious he is about quitting. Is it YOU who wants him to quit or is it him that wants to quit? There is no "I can't do it." If you want to quit, you quit. People quit drinking every single day. Some relapse, then get right back on track. It's hard, but it can be done.</p><p></p><p>Does your son get paid for the times he doesn't really try hard at work? He is lucky you have a business because no other place would put up with his work behavior. At the same time, letting him work for you can be a form of enabling too, especially if he gets different treatment than non-family member employees.</p><p></p><p>Am I harsh? I don't think so, but Im sure some parents do. I just don't think our differently wired men and women kids learn when we do for them, especially when they are already hitting 25. They become helpless and we can not live forever to bail them out of trouble all their lives.</p><p></p><p>We have choices to make. Some parents are 85 years old and their 65 year old child is still living with them, abusing them, addicted and depending on their money or waiting for them to die so he/she can inherit and then when it happens the money gets blown in one month. This is reality. Some paernts never feel they can let go, even when the child is a senior citizen. To me, this is sad. There are many choices in between kicking the man out or keeping him home forever too and you can look into all of them.</p><p></p><p>You should probably go to therapy for yourself so you can learn to take care of YOU. You can not live your entire life for your son and his addiction (well, you can, but it's not fair to yourself and your other loved ones). You can have a good, happy life even if your adult child is a mess. You don't have to suffer with him and let him bring you to where he is. He is making his own choice to keep drinking. It has nothing to do with you. You can't stop him. Not if he doesn't want to stop.</p><p></p><p>Anyhow, I hope he is at least easy to live with and does chores in the house and pays rent and does go to therapy or some self-help group to help his recovery along. Antiabuse alone will not touch his underlying problems or make him healthy and he will be more at risk to go right back to drinking again if he is not in some sort of support system. AA isn't the only game in town. Good luck!!!!! <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite2" alt=";)" title="Wink ;)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=";)" /></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 651076, member: 1550"] Ok. Let me see if I got this right. He started drinking in high school and probably more than you think. My daughter drank and I didn't think she drank at all. She did drugs...we knew that, but not about the drinking. We also did not know how heavy her drug use was. They hide it well. So I'll assume this started in high school and then escalated at nineteen so that he could not hide it anymore. You are very involved in his life still and it was you who got the antiabuse, not him. Would he take it if you did make him leave? Only his own motivation will keep him on it. You can't give him the pills forever and one day will probably want him out. He has abused ADHD drugs. So did my daughter. Adderrall is hot on the street and when she took it, ten years ago, it went for ten bucks a crack. So your did HAS dabbled in drugs. They put it into pillcrushers and snort it, either alone or with other drugs. Speed is addiction, used that way, and can lead to meth, as it did with my daughter. He is sort of a functional alcoholic at times and did graduate college, however he is blowing it because of his drinking, a sure sign of alcoholism. If he is going to, say, be a pharmacist, he may consider another profession, although my father was a pharmacist and drug abuse is rampant amongst pharmacists. His partner at his store died in a bathrub of Quaalude abuse (drowned). May not be a good profession for a man who is prone to addiction because they can pretty much take what they want... Most of our adult children have underlying disorders, even if they are good young men and women and don't abuse anything. My daughter who did not abuse anything has severe LDs but did not take drugs and does not drink. My other daughter, who is ten years older, did take drugs and drink. She was very shy and told me it helped her loosen up. Doesn't matter. She almost screwed up her life too. She was in three serious accidents before she quit. The latter two were not in our car, as we had long taken our vehicle from her. We knew she was a menace on the road and did not want to participate in her possibly getting killed or killing somebody else. She owed one woman $15,000 for an accident while driving one of her idiot "friends" cars long after she was clean. There are consequences. Her father finally paid it off for her because she obviously was done using drugs. Until then, she did not get a penny from him or me. And we made her leave at nineteen,w hich is the age in which she decided to quit. I think it is better to let them go th an hang onto them and take care of them, but that's easier said than done. My daughter had somewhere to go, although it was not by any means for certain that it would last. One slip up and she would have been in the streets. Which leads me to the last issue... Why is your son driving? Is he driving YOUR car? If so, why do you allow it? That's incredibly dangerous. If my kid would have called me drunk from some bar, which she never did, she would have had to stumble home. Or get a ride from a friend. We did not chase her around town after she turned eighteen. Before that, yes. She started her "adventure" at age twelve and we did all we could at the time. If she had continued along her path at 25, we would never have helped her at all anymore. Not my circus/not my monkey (or vice versa/forgot). We don't drink or do drugs. SHE did. At age 25 your son is responsible for what he does. The thing is Daughter, knowing she had to do it herself, quit.[U][I] She quit everything[/I][/U]. She doesn't even smoke cigarettes anymore, which is a big joy to me...I'm a smoking nazi who used to throw her ciggies in the garbage and refused to let her smoke in the house. Does my way work for all addicts? No. There is no one way to do it or one answer. My daughter refused serious therapy or rehab so she just quit on her own and told us afterward. You can imagine what we thought when she told us: "Suuuuuuuuuuuure you quit." But she had left all her druggies friends behind and was working steadily and did not take up with other druggies in her new town and we had to acknowledge it after a year or so. We are proud of her. She wanted it so she did it. And that's the key. I personally feel that your son should be taking his own pills and if he doesn't, you will know and then you will be able to judge how serious he is about quitting. Is it YOU who wants him to quit or is it him that wants to quit? There is no "I can't do it." If you want to quit, you quit. People quit drinking every single day. Some relapse, then get right back on track. It's hard, but it can be done. Does your son get paid for the times he doesn't really try hard at work? He is lucky you have a business because no other place would put up with his work behavior. At the same time, letting him work for you can be a form of enabling too, especially if he gets different treatment than non-family member employees. Am I harsh? I don't think so, but Im sure some parents do. I just don't think our differently wired men and women kids learn when we do for them, especially when they are already hitting 25. They become helpless and we can not live forever to bail them out of trouble all their lives. We have choices to make. Some parents are 85 years old and their 65 year old child is still living with them, abusing them, addicted and depending on their money or waiting for them to die so he/she can inherit and then when it happens the money gets blown in one month. This is reality. Some paernts never feel they can let go, even when the child is a senior citizen. To me, this is sad. There are many choices in between kicking the man out or keeping him home forever too and you can look into all of them. You should probably go to therapy for yourself so you can learn to take care of YOU. You can not live your entire life for your son and his addiction (well, you can, but it's not fair to yourself and your other loved ones). You can have a good, happy life even if your adult child is a mess. You don't have to suffer with him and let him bring you to where he is. He is making his own choice to keep drinking. It has nothing to do with you. You can't stop him. Not if he doesn't want to stop. Anyhow, I hope he is at least easy to live with and does chores in the house and pays rent and does go to therapy or some self-help group to help his recovery along. Antiabuse alone will not touch his underlying problems or make him healthy and he will be more at risk to go right back to drinking again if he is not in some sort of support system. AA isn't the only game in town. Good luck!!!!! ;) [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Substance Abuse
Living with a Paradox
Top