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Living with Tennage Daughter diagnosis with Borderline (BPD)
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<blockquote data-quote="Giulia" data-source="post: 527616" data-attributes="member: 14306"><p>Hello, </p><p>As the other persons said, there is room for progress. And progress does not stop after adult age. </p><p></p><p>As I said before, your non negotiable rules has to contain no more than three expectations. </p><p>If you see that three expectations are too much for you and your daughter to handle, keep only one non negotiable behavior to tackle. </p><p>And you focus only on this behavior, you will take the rest later. </p><p>It has to be a very small, even tiny aim, like : "we control the outbursts and we listen to each other". You forget about the "and the shower to take, and the room to keep clean, and not harassing the dog, and tidy the kitchen"... </p><p>Choose which behavior is the most annoying for you and focus only on this behavior, nothing else. If you focus on "we control the outbursts and we listen to each other", you don't try to also make her have a shower every day. </p><p>After you have tackled the problem of her outbursts, you can move on "take a shower every day". </p><p>etc etc.... </p><p>The more you avoid the endless lists, the better. One tiny aim at time, one day at time. </p><p></p><p>As a person with ADHD but no personality disorder, I however agree with Daisy. </p><p>Your daughter reacts the way she reacts because it's her way to keep the control with her inside chaos. </p><p>The more you reply, the more you will feed the argument. </p><p>I can also tell you that the more I feel the chaos inside, the more I will swear, insult and such....</p><p>The best solution in my case is</p><p>- asking "how do you feel..." if you still feel like you can help her</p><p>- not responding at all if you feel like you will lose your temper, and you feel that you'll reply only with negativity. </p><p>The more negatively you reply, the more you feed the behavior you do <u>not</u> want from her. At the end, you don't earn anything and she does not earn anything. </p><p></p><p>So, when the discussion is turning into a fight, you have two possibilities :</p><p>- the easiest, you disengage from it. As soon as she starts swearing, insults, you don't respond at all. You didn't see, you didn't hear, you didn't smell, you didn't touch, you didn't taste. She is translucid, she does not exist. The more she continues, the more you stay stoical. You come back to her only when she says something nice, or does something positive. It's difficult, but the second possibility is even harder. </p><p>- You ask her how does she feel. You redirect only with how she feels, and not the reason to argue : you forget the topic of argument, and you concentrate on her feelings. When you have to talk about something else, you have to be only matter of fact, no judgment and no blame. "I feel this because that happened". Exit judgment and blame, it only feeds the problem. However, to make it work, you have to feel very cool and solid to do it. </p><p>(my GP does that when a patient rages, but she does it because she is solid enough not to fuel the behavior with blame and judgment)</p><p></p><p>If you had to retain only one step, it would be this one. </p><p>When she does something positive, praise. Even if you think that it's due to you, praise.</p><p>She washed the dishes while being grumpy ? Thank her for having washed them, even if she was grumpy. You don't tell anything about her being grumpy, you just highlight the fact that you are thankful because she washed the dishes. </p><p>She told you the truth about something she wanted to lie about ? Praise her for telling you the truth. </p><p>As we say, we don't attract flies with vinegar...</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Giulia, post: 527616, member: 14306"] Hello, As the other persons said, there is room for progress. And progress does not stop after adult age. As I said before, your non negotiable rules has to contain no more than three expectations. If you see that three expectations are too much for you and your daughter to handle, keep only one non negotiable behavior to tackle. And you focus only on this behavior, you will take the rest later. It has to be a very small, even tiny aim, like : "we control the outbursts and we listen to each other". You forget about the "and the shower to take, and the room to keep clean, and not harassing the dog, and tidy the kitchen"... Choose which behavior is the most annoying for you and focus only on this behavior, nothing else. If you focus on "we control the outbursts and we listen to each other", you don't try to also make her have a shower every day. After you have tackled the problem of her outbursts, you can move on "take a shower every day". etc etc.... The more you avoid the endless lists, the better. One tiny aim at time, one day at time. As a person with ADHD but no personality disorder, I however agree with Daisy. Your daughter reacts the way she reacts because it's her way to keep the control with her inside chaos. The more you reply, the more you will feed the argument. I can also tell you that the more I feel the chaos inside, the more I will swear, insult and such.... The best solution in my case is - asking "how do you feel..." if you still feel like you can help her - not responding at all if you feel like you will lose your temper, and you feel that you'll reply only with negativity. The more negatively you reply, the more you feed the behavior you do [U]not[/U] want from her. At the end, you don't earn anything and she does not earn anything. So, when the discussion is turning into a fight, you have two possibilities : - the easiest, you disengage from it. As soon as she starts swearing, insults, you don't respond at all. You didn't see, you didn't hear, you didn't smell, you didn't touch, you didn't taste. She is translucid, she does not exist. The more she continues, the more you stay stoical. You come back to her only when she says something nice, or does something positive. It's difficult, but the second possibility is even harder. - You ask her how does she feel. You redirect only with how she feels, and not the reason to argue : you forget the topic of argument, and you concentrate on her feelings. When you have to talk about something else, you have to be only matter of fact, no judgment and no blame. "I feel this because that happened". Exit judgment and blame, it only feeds the problem. However, to make it work, you have to feel very cool and solid to do it. (my GP does that when a patient rages, but she does it because she is solid enough not to fuel the behavior with blame and judgment) If you had to retain only one step, it would be this one. When she does something positive, praise. Even if you think that it's due to you, praise. She washed the dishes while being grumpy ? Thank her for having washed them, even if she was grumpy. You don't tell anything about her being grumpy, you just highlight the fact that you are thankful because she washed the dishes. She told you the truth about something she wanted to lie about ? Praise her for telling you the truth. As we say, we don't attract flies with vinegar... [/QUOTE]
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