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LLOOONNNNGGG Night, NEED ADVICE
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 78784" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>If she were grounded, why was she out and about? I would have had her home before dark (preferably home all day). She and E could hang out at home and watch movies, or do each other's make-up or whatever, but I wouldn't have let difficult child go out, especially even close to dark. Earning privileges back - it would have been a different privilege.</p><p></p><p>Maybe it's because I didn't have normal kids, but I've never allowed a 13 year old to be out after dark unsupervised. At 13, my other kids travelled to school with everyone else but were expected home on time. If they were going to be late (they missed the school ferry, for example) they had to telephone. We had a reverse charge account they could use from any public telephone box (one right next to the ferry wharf). And if I found out they had missed the boat on purpose, they would be punished each time they were late, for the nest month. The crime wasn't deliberately missing the boar, but lying about it.</p><p>easy child took to meeting a friend one day a week at the wharf and would deliberately miss the boat to do so. She got caught because there was a pattern to her lateness - always the same afternoon a week that she missed the boat. So once her punishment was lifted, she would tell me when she was meeting her friend and I was OK with that. But the delay was only another hour, and the other disadvantage for her was, there was no bus home from the later ferry, she had to walk up the hill from the bay.</p><p></p><p>You have already given her a habit of a certain amount of freedom, it is very difficult to permanently go backwards from there. If you have a curfew of midnight and suddenly you decide it's to be 10 pm from here on, it's very hard to enforce because there will be resentment.</p><p></p><p>However, she has just handed you some really good ammunition - you gave her trust for one day, and she has broken it big time.</p><p></p><p>I do think she has had more freedom than she can handle - she simply hasn't been responsiible with it.</p><p></p><p>So the punishment now - you could make it a permanent "be home by dark" grounding until further notice. Special dispensation can be applied for but this will require honesty and safe, sound decisions. Failure to comply with the strict rules of special privileges (such as a sleepover or party at someone's house) will result in tighter restrictions including you being less inclined to give special dispensation in the future.</p><p>You could also suggest she could work towards earning a curfew extension - she has to earn it with honesty and good behaviour on those nights when you give special dispensation. And YOU will need to check up on her constantly, to make sure she is telling you the truth.</p><p></p><p>If she complains that all her friends will think she is a baby, for being guarded so well - tell her that this is the result of her bad choices. And if her friends do not understand this, then she has to find friends who will, because clearly those friends do not have the standards you require, of the people she is associating with.</p><p></p><p>Other special dispensations she can earn are to be allowed to have a friend over, or maybe even two friends. But at 13, I wouldn't be happy with other kids in your home unsupervised.</p><p></p><p>And they are my rules for a easy child kid. So you can imagine how much more strict I have been with difficult child kids!</p><p></p><p>It has worked for us. And our kids haven't turned into social outcasts - if anything, they have grown up to have more awareness of what is appropriate/inappropriate, because they haven't been part of some of the really stupid things kids get up to when they wander the streets unsupervised when they're too young to make wise choices.</p><p></p><p>My kids aren't perfect. They have done stupid things too. But the worst that difficult child 1 ever did was to go dueling in the park with a friend, using replica swords. Neither boy hurt each other but they ran into a pack of young thugs who took exception to the swords. The next day the thugs met up with them again and beat up difficult child 1 and friend. And difficult child 1 didn't tell me because he was too scared of the police getting involved - to have had the replica swords out of the house is a crime here. When I did find out, I pointed out that the fear of this he had been carrying, was his punishment - if he had told me I would have called him an idiot, but I also would have told him he was safe from the police if they didn't actually catch him with the swords out of the house, and if nobody was injured by them.</p><p></p><p>difficult child 1 was 20 at the time. A lot more than 13.</p><p></p><p>Sorry if I sound harsh about this, but there is a lot more you could restrict and right now she has given you ample cause to. Grab your opportunity and find out about what degree of physical restraint is legal in your state. Because frankly, I wouldn't be above installing a microchip in a kid behaving like this! (we have a system her in Australia where we can, if we choose, monitor our kids online to see where they are, and to also be notified if they go into an area we have defined ourselves as out of bounds - a really good system. It's done through a special mobile phone).</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 78784, member: 1991"] If she were grounded, why was she out and about? I would have had her home before dark (preferably home all day). She and E could hang out at home and watch movies, or do each other's make-up or whatever, but I wouldn't have let difficult child go out, especially even close to dark. Earning privileges back - it would have been a different privilege. Maybe it's because I didn't have normal kids, but I've never allowed a 13 year old to be out after dark unsupervised. At 13, my other kids travelled to school with everyone else but were expected home on time. If they were going to be late (they missed the school ferry, for example) they had to telephone. We had a reverse charge account they could use from any public telephone box (one right next to the ferry wharf). And if I found out they had missed the boat on purpose, they would be punished each time they were late, for the nest month. The crime wasn't deliberately missing the boar, but lying about it. easy child took to meeting a friend one day a week at the wharf and would deliberately miss the boat to do so. She got caught because there was a pattern to her lateness - always the same afternoon a week that she missed the boat. So once her punishment was lifted, she would tell me when she was meeting her friend and I was OK with that. But the delay was only another hour, and the other disadvantage for her was, there was no bus home from the later ferry, she had to walk up the hill from the bay. You have already given her a habit of a certain amount of freedom, it is very difficult to permanently go backwards from there. If you have a curfew of midnight and suddenly you decide it's to be 10 pm from here on, it's very hard to enforce because there will be resentment. However, she has just handed you some really good ammunition - you gave her trust for one day, and she has broken it big time. I do think she has had more freedom than she can handle - she simply hasn't been responsiible with it. So the punishment now - you could make it a permanent "be home by dark" grounding until further notice. Special dispensation can be applied for but this will require honesty and safe, sound decisions. Failure to comply with the strict rules of special privileges (such as a sleepover or party at someone's house) will result in tighter restrictions including you being less inclined to give special dispensation in the future. You could also suggest she could work towards earning a curfew extension - she has to earn it with honesty and good behaviour on those nights when you give special dispensation. And YOU will need to check up on her constantly, to make sure she is telling you the truth. If she complains that all her friends will think she is a baby, for being guarded so well - tell her that this is the result of her bad choices. And if her friends do not understand this, then she has to find friends who will, because clearly those friends do not have the standards you require, of the people she is associating with. Other special dispensations she can earn are to be allowed to have a friend over, or maybe even two friends. But at 13, I wouldn't be happy with other kids in your home unsupervised. And they are my rules for a easy child kid. So you can imagine how much more strict I have been with difficult child kids! It has worked for us. And our kids haven't turned into social outcasts - if anything, they have grown up to have more awareness of what is appropriate/inappropriate, because they haven't been part of some of the really stupid things kids get up to when they wander the streets unsupervised when they're too young to make wise choices. My kids aren't perfect. They have done stupid things too. But the worst that difficult child 1 ever did was to go dueling in the park with a friend, using replica swords. Neither boy hurt each other but they ran into a pack of young thugs who took exception to the swords. The next day the thugs met up with them again and beat up difficult child 1 and friend. And difficult child 1 didn't tell me because he was too scared of the police getting involved - to have had the replica swords out of the house is a crime here. When I did find out, I pointed out that the fear of this he had been carrying, was his punishment - if he had told me I would have called him an idiot, but I also would have told him he was safe from the police if they didn't actually catch him with the swords out of the house, and if nobody was injured by them. difficult child 1 was 20 at the time. A lot more than 13. Sorry if I sound harsh about this, but there is a lot more you could restrict and right now she has given you ample cause to. Grab your opportunity and find out about what degree of physical restraint is legal in your state. Because frankly, I wouldn't be above installing a microchip in a kid behaving like this! (we have a system her in Australia where we can, if we choose, monitor our kids online to see where they are, and to also be notified if they go into an area we have defined ourselves as out of bounds - a really good system. It's done through a special mobile phone). Marg [/QUOTE]
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