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LLOOONNNNGGG Night, NEED ADVICE
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<blockquote data-quote="timer lady" data-source="post: 78831" data-attributes="member: 393"><p>I'm going to come from a different direction - please don't "boo" me off the board.</p><p></p><p>My difficult children have many of the same issues as NNT's difficult child. wm will dig himself in so deep he cannot see daylight. And sees no reason to make good choices - he'll never work himself out of all the grounding, loss of computer/gameboy priviledges, phone, etc, etc, etc.</p><p></p><p>When wm lived here & at group home, a family meeting is called when wm is in this deep. We do the same for kt. We give the tweedles time to express their feelings, concerns, etc over what is going on. </p><p></p><p>As parents we ask what we can do to help. husband & I tell kt our biggest concern & suggest how we can work on it. kt has input as well. We then write out an agreement.</p><p></p><p>Having said that, the slate is wiped clean. All groundings, privilege loss, etc is gone & we give kt a chance to start with a clean slate. (We are having to do this less & less. kt & wm are beginning to trust & at times, want to please us. Know that following the rules will make mom & dad happy & when parents are happy life is much easier.)</p><p></p><p>NNT, I have to tell you - it really changes kt's attitude & she's learned to ask for help; she's also taken time to stop & think; especially since she has a friend & wants time daily to play with her. She knows that is a privilege & she can lose it with a rotten attitude & bad choices.</p><p></p><p>Again - I know this isn't the popular idea. However, kids with an unstable background are always on survival mode. They have no reason to want to please their parents as parents couldn't be trusted - they were the ones who hurt them. Their ability to trust their primary caregivers is minimal at best. </p><p></p><p>Living life in survival mode is constant fight or flight. Even in their calmest moments they are hypervigilant & always aware of what is going on around them. This is an exhausting life.</p><p></p><p>As for kt, she has the cell phone; we have a plan where I alone can program the numbers she can call & numbers she can receive calls from; I can program text messaging limits (she doesn't have that privilege) & everything else. kt has learned to be responsible with her phone or she'll be down to 3 numbers - home, mom & dad's cell phones. Again, she knows this up front & it keeps her aware of her choices. kt has even come to me to ask me to block a number of a friend who is bothering her. She is trusting this part of my parenting.</p><p></p><p>Just wanted to offer you a "new technique" to try.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="timer lady, post: 78831, member: 393"] I'm going to come from a different direction - please don't "boo" me off the board. My difficult children have many of the same issues as NNT's difficult child. wm will dig himself in so deep he cannot see daylight. And sees no reason to make good choices - he'll never work himself out of all the grounding, loss of computer/gameboy priviledges, phone, etc, etc, etc. When wm lived here & at group home, a family meeting is called when wm is in this deep. We do the same for kt. We give the tweedles time to express their feelings, concerns, etc over what is going on. As parents we ask what we can do to help. husband & I tell kt our biggest concern & suggest how we can work on it. kt has input as well. We then write out an agreement. Having said that, the slate is wiped clean. All groundings, privilege loss, etc is gone & we give kt a chance to start with a clean slate. (We are having to do this less & less. kt & wm are beginning to trust & at times, want to please us. Know that following the rules will make mom & dad happy & when parents are happy life is much easier.) NNT, I have to tell you - it really changes kt's attitude & she's learned to ask for help; she's also taken time to stop & think; especially since she has a friend & wants time daily to play with her. She knows that is a privilege & she can lose it with a rotten attitude & bad choices. Again - I know this isn't the popular idea. However, kids with an unstable background are always on survival mode. They have no reason to want to please their parents as parents couldn't be trusted - they were the ones who hurt them. Their ability to trust their primary caregivers is minimal at best. Living life in survival mode is constant fight or flight. Even in their calmest moments they are hypervigilant & always aware of what is going on around them. This is an exhausting life. As for kt, she has the cell phone; we have a plan where I alone can program the numbers she can call & numbers she can receive calls from; I can program text messaging limits (she doesn't have that privilege) & everything else. kt has learned to be responsible with her phone or she'll be down to 3 numbers - home, mom & dad's cell phones. Again, she knows this up front & it keeps her aware of her choices. kt has even come to me to ask me to block a number of a friend who is bothering her. She is trusting this part of my parenting. Just wanted to offer you a "new technique" to try. [/QUOTE]
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