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LLOOONNNNGGG Night, NEED ADVICE
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<blockquote data-quote="neednewtechnique" data-source="post: 78854" data-attributes="member: 3527"><p>Our difficult child is not autistic. And she is VERY able to function in her world. I guess maybe it is true that my age has a lot to do with it, possibly because it has not been that long ago, and groundings and things like that are still pretty fresh in my mind, and I always remember that after the first couple times of missing out on things I wanted to do, I had learned my lesson, and since I was so active, it usually only took a couple days. So, I decided, a long time ago, before I even HAD children of my own, that if one of them got grounded, they would definitely miss out on the first few adventures to make the point, but then after that, if they had ways of doing some extra special things, that was a GOOD way to show that they WERE trying and would be able to earn themselves some free time. Also, as I mentioned, this was an extra special thing I allowed this time because E is like, her BEST friend and with the difficult day she was going to have, dealing with it being the anniversary of her dad's death, she NEEDED her friends to be there for her. </p><p></p><p>As far as being out after dark, we normally will NOT allow her to just be out "walking around town" after dark, which is why she made the agreement that she would STAY at B's until I told her to be home, and that she would call before she left to let me know she was on her way home. This is a little town, and everywhere in town only takes 10 minutes to walk to, so if she called and said she was leaving, I KNEW that it would only take her 10 minutes, so if she was not back in 10 minutes, I would know something was up. </p><p></p><p>As for the thought that she has "too much freedom", I really don't think she does. I promise, the normal is that she has to be home by dark, no matter what. But since she called and asked if she could specifically stay at one place, and told me what time she wanted to come home, I figured it would be okay. I also think that we were at a disadvantage having to work all day, because this gave her and E the day to do what they wanted, knowing I would not be around to check up on them (i do have some connections, so there are ways for me to find out what she is up to, even if I am not around) but it is always different when there is accountability, and if she had known all day long that I was sitting at home and could possibly check in on her at any point, things may have not had a chance to spiral out of control before we got home. </p><p></p><p>Now what I am dealing with is, yes, she needs to be punished for lying, but more importantly, we need to figure out a system of how to help her earn back our trust. Have any of you ever used a "graduated grounding system"??? lol meaning that for like, 2 weeks they are 100% grounded, no chances to do anything, then after that two weeks, return the phone and the computer and allow her to have friends over here when we are home for a couple more weeks, then allow short trips to friends house for 1-2 hours at at time where I would drop her off and pick her up and speak to their parents, then after a few more weeks, allow her a little longer time to be out and let her walk and I just CALL the parents instead of driving her, etc. </p><p></p><p>My question about that is, first of all, has anyone tried this with good resutls/bad results? Second of all, if we do this and stretch things out, how long should they be stretched out for? I was thinking 2 weeks for each "level"...but I don't know how many levels there should be, and how slowly or quickly I should add more priveledges back. Number three, if she DOES mess up and gets caught, do I enforce Zero-Tolerance and make her go all the way back to the beginning, or just back a few "levels" depending on the seriousness of the offense?</p><p></p><p>I would love to hear some ideas on this, it kinda came to me in my sleep last night and sounded like it might be a good system to help her earn back trust.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="neednewtechnique, post: 78854, member: 3527"] Our difficult child is not autistic. And she is VERY able to function in her world. I guess maybe it is true that my age has a lot to do with it, possibly because it has not been that long ago, and groundings and things like that are still pretty fresh in my mind, and I always remember that after the first couple times of missing out on things I wanted to do, I had learned my lesson, and since I was so active, it usually only took a couple days. So, I decided, a long time ago, before I even HAD children of my own, that if one of them got grounded, they would definitely miss out on the first few adventures to make the point, but then after that, if they had ways of doing some extra special things, that was a GOOD way to show that they WERE trying and would be able to earn themselves some free time. Also, as I mentioned, this was an extra special thing I allowed this time because E is like, her BEST friend and with the difficult day she was going to have, dealing with it being the anniversary of her dad's death, she NEEDED her friends to be there for her. As far as being out after dark, we normally will NOT allow her to just be out "walking around town" after dark, which is why she made the agreement that she would STAY at B's until I told her to be home, and that she would call before she left to let me know she was on her way home. This is a little town, and everywhere in town only takes 10 minutes to walk to, so if she called and said she was leaving, I KNEW that it would only take her 10 minutes, so if she was not back in 10 minutes, I would know something was up. As for the thought that she has "too much freedom", I really don't think she does. I promise, the normal is that she has to be home by dark, no matter what. But since she called and asked if she could specifically stay at one place, and told me what time she wanted to come home, I figured it would be okay. I also think that we were at a disadvantage having to work all day, because this gave her and E the day to do what they wanted, knowing I would not be around to check up on them (i do have some connections, so there are ways for me to find out what she is up to, even if I am not around) but it is always different when there is accountability, and if she had known all day long that I was sitting at home and could possibly check in on her at any point, things may have not had a chance to spiral out of control before we got home. Now what I am dealing with is, yes, she needs to be punished for lying, but more importantly, we need to figure out a system of how to help her earn back our trust. Have any of you ever used a "graduated grounding system"??? lol meaning that for like, 2 weeks they are 100% grounded, no chances to do anything, then after that two weeks, return the phone and the computer and allow her to have friends over here when we are home for a couple more weeks, then allow short trips to friends house for 1-2 hours at at time where I would drop her off and pick her up and speak to their parents, then after a few more weeks, allow her a little longer time to be out and let her walk and I just CALL the parents instead of driving her, etc. My question about that is, first of all, has anyone tried this with good resutls/bad results? Second of all, if we do this and stretch things out, how long should they be stretched out for? I was thinking 2 weeks for each "level"...but I don't know how many levels there should be, and how slowly or quickly I should add more priveledges back. Number three, if she DOES mess up and gets caught, do I enforce Zero-Tolerance and make her go all the way back to the beginning, or just back a few "levels" depending on the seriousness of the offense? I would love to hear some ideas on this, it kinda came to me in my sleep last night and sounded like it might be a good system to help her earn back trust. [/QUOTE]
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