Loaded Week...

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by emotionallybankrupt, Nov 14, 2009.

  1. emotionallybankrupt

    emotionallybankrupt New Member

    I'm so tired...sad...angry.... Dunno what to do except ramble.

    difficult child was emancipated a couple of months ago by marriage. The school system idiots have had great difficulty understanding what "emancipated" means. Despite multiple e-mails and recitations of law on my part, they just couldn't seem to get it...until finally this week. That's the good news. I shouldn't have any more threatening e-mails, etc., telling me what I "have to" do about my truant "child." This has been going on in various degrees for weeks. I could SOOO go after them in court if I had the energy...but I don't.

    This issue, however, was tagged off with a much more critical issue. difficult child is pregnant. Still first trimester...barely. I've known only a few days. I just knew that would happen, but I didn't think it would happen yet. She has absolutely no resources to step into this but is too immature to know that. She has, however, threatened for years to do that, and had even consulted a lawyer who told her that if she did that, I would have no choice but to bring her and baby both home and, in effect, take on the responsibility for both children--in addition to the other child I have. Now, of course, since she is married (just in time, I might add--she was apparently "barely" pregnant when I signed for her to marry, but I didn't know that), I don't have that same worry, but sure do have other worries.

    Married or not, she is not capable of taking this on, and unfortunatley neither am I. I've sent her some very blunt, distancing letters reminding her that I can't do it. It breaks my heart to think of alienating my own grandchild (not to mention completely cutting off my own daughter), but I am just so sure I know where all this would lead. If I maintain contact, I will eventually learn of abuse or neglect. Then I will be faced with what to do. My thinking is that if I allow myself any emotional attachment with this child, it would be excruciating to say no, although impossible to say yes to the responsibility. Even if I were difficult child's "safety net" for ONE, that wouldn't fix things, because I think she would then have ANOTHER. She claims this happened despite taking the pills just as she should, but I don't believe it for a minute. Lying comes naturally for her, and she'd said too many times before, that she was ready to have a baby and that I couldn't stop her.

    I just think I have to send rock solid messages that I already have all I can handle, because it is the truth. I have also sent her some neutral information regarding her/their choices. I wish she/they would admit not being ready and give this child the opportunity of adoption, but I don't think that will happen. And HIS parents? Not much, if any, better than either of the two children who are now going to have a child of their own.

    I learned yesterday that I have permanent damage in my wrist from an incident about a year ago when difficult child trapped me in a room. I'm so angry about that. I panicked and tried to push my way out (even though I didn't stand a chance, given where she stood and where I stood), and she crunched my wrist against a solid door facing. I knew at the time I was hurt, and I thought it would just heal, but I was wrong. difficult child got out of that one with no consequences at all. I didn't call the police because I knew I would just have to miss work AGAIN to be in court--and would have missed my younger child's school program in the process. And now difficult child is going to have a child of her own. It's overwhelming.

    Meanwhile, my younger child can't seem to get over the latest infection and fluid in her ears. I don't know what I'm going to do. She's already had three surgeries and has such extensive scar tissue from those that we are already dealing with some permanent hearing loss. We can't get out of the circle. difficult child has absolutely no concept of the unexpected challenges that parents face.

    I'm so tired. And afraid of making a critical mistake somewhere.

    difficult child has shown herself to be incapable and/or unwilling to take care of a puppy. I can't imagine what is in store for this child. I did meet with the psychiatrist to ask if there are any mechanisms in place to monitor situations like this. Unfortunately, no. We have to just wait for something bad to happen. He doesn't think she will leave me alone in this either. He's warning me to get ready either for her to land on my doorstep or for human services to ask me to take custody of her child. This is going to be so hard....
     
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi there. I don't know how other people feel, but I don't think I could raise another child either, regardless. I'm older now and have had so many horrendous parenting experiences that I would be no good for a grandchild long-term...there are many couples who want to adopt or foster babies. I understand completely where you are coming from.

    I just found out a major bombshell myself this week, and I can really feel for you. We deserve to live our golden years doing what WE want to do, not raising more babies that our difficult children had because they figured we'd bail them out.

    At least, at this point in time, that's my opinion. (((Hugs)))
     
  3. jbrain

    jbrain Member

    I feel the same way as you, MWM. My dtr had 3 miscarriages before she was able to have Liam, the 1st one when she was 18. I told her then I would not be raising any child she had. I think she got the message when she wanted to come home for a "visit" when she was about 8 months pregnant and was going to come on a one-way ticket (about 3000 miles). I told her I knew what she was up to and that she couldn't come. She was very angry, didn't speak to me for a while but I stuck to my guns.

    I really feel for you, EB, this is a hard situation to be in. Just want you to know I understand your position!

    Hugs,
    Jane
     
  4. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    My Youngest is pregnant with her 2nd child, and not in a great place, herself. I am worried and we've just recently had a falling out over it. I understand where you are coming from, I really do. Hugs.
     
  5. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Many hugs and some extra strength.
     
  6. Mattsmom277

    Mattsmom277 Active Member

    Whew. Thats alot to handle all at once. First, I hope your youngests ears improve. My easy child has major ear problems, hearing problems as well and its so difficult.
    As for your difficult child, I don't blame you for not wanting to raise another child. i also don't blame you for distancing from your difficult child. Yes she's your daughter. But! She made CHOICES. She is now for intents and purposes, a adult. She is a married woman about to become a mother. She can stand on her own two feet, or trip over the choices she made. Sometimes to learn, they need to sink or swim Know what I mean?? It isn't always appropriate for a parent to step in to rescue all of the time.
    I know it must be hard as a mother. But you have yourself and your other child to take care of as well. Please don't feel guilty for letting her lay in the bed she made for herself while you forge a different future for yourself and your other child.
     
  7. emotionallybankrupt

    emotionallybankrupt New Member

    Thank you for all the support. I think I'm gradually coming out of my "numbness." Among the notes I have posted on the wall in my bathroom--I always read a few while I brush my teeth:)--I keep re-reading the "personal bill of rights" a counselor gave me some time ago. For this particular situation, the one that says, "I have the right to say no to demands I cannot meet," keeps jumping out at me. In my heart, I know I'm going the only way I can go.

    Other stressors have eased, and that has helped a lot too. Ending the tangle with the school system was huge. Really exciting is that my youngest seems to be on the mend for the time being. This week, she had her first decent tympanogram in months and has improved hearing for now. On this one, I'll worry about later when I have to and enjoy the relief in the meantime!

    E-mails from difficult child continue. I know she is trying to draw me in--probably realizing on some level that she's made a mess and needs her mom--but I'm holding my ground because I think I have to. I've refused to speak to her, because I don't think I'm emotionally able to do that. I just keep stressing that I love her, that I'm not trying to hurt her, but that I have to protect myself emotionally and hope she will be realistic about her resources and see that the chance of my rescuing her from her choices is zero. This has brought some nasty responses from her, but I think the only help I can truly be to her now is to continue to point out certain realities and hope she'll not base her decisions on the hope that Prince Charming will solve all her problems--or that I'm her fairy godmother. As we all know, Cinderella is a lie, all the fairy godmothers are dead, and Prince Charming is more likely a frog--and an unemployed frog with no skills to draw a decent income in the foreseeable future, I might add.

    If she's to be saved, she's going to have to save herself--as well as get a realistic picture of her capabilities where this child is concerned. She's got to snap out of the picture of the cozy cuteness and clue into the certainty of the sleepless nights, the crying she'll not always be able to stop, and the 24/7 demands. I couldn't have done it at 16, and she sure does have a lot more obstacles than I had at that age.
     
  8. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Sending hugs and prayers. I'm so sorry that you're faced with this. I know it's not of your choosing and if you had it your way it would all just go away, but all of us here know that it's not the way it works with a difficult child. They seem to have the tenacity of a charging bull when it comes to disrupting others' lives. I pray you can find peace in whatever you choose to do or not do. Extra prayers for the little peanut.
     
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