Long and winded sorry

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by elmo1015, Aug 8, 2013.

  1. elmo1015

    elmo1015 New Member

    I am not really sure where to begin. I have an 18 yr old son that is currently in jail on simple battery charges. All because he "pushed" my husband (the only "dad" he has ever known) and another person. I am having a very difficult time dealing with this. I am having a hard time writing this because I can't get my thoughts together, so I apologize now for the ramblings.

    I guess I will start with his first arrest. About 2 or 3 years ago my husband's ex step son, J moved in with us. My son had a friend that had an amp stolen from his trunk while it was parked at my house. My difficult child believed that J stole it. So, he decided that he was going to take the light covers off of J's truck. While the police were at my house J made a comment to me and my difficult child bowed up at him. The cop then arrested him for threatening or something. The charges were eventually dropped because the cop that arrested him got everything wrong in the police report. That was first time I had to go get him from Juvie. The second time was because he and a few friends thought it was a good idea to go ride golf carts around a field because they knew the keys were in them. That resulted in him being charged with Grand Theft. That charge did not go away. I spoke many times and for long periods of time with an intake Juvenile PO that was going to give his recommendation. The PO and I decided to put my son in a residential drug treatment program. Well before he was sentenced to that, he got new charges of possession of marijuana and paraphernalia. They did combine the sentencing for both into the program. Unfortunately, the program had issues of its own. My son did not get a treatment plan for over 30 days. Then he did not get to meet with a counselor regularly. He ended up breaking out of the program and catching more charges. Once all was said and done, he was on intense probation or "drug" court. He was able to combine the new charges with the old ones for the probation. The intense probation was a blessing. It required that he attend weekly sessions with a counselor and also had to attend weekly group meetings. It was quite a bit on me but it did help him. Although, I don't think he was ready to be discharged when they did. They only did it because he turned 18. Once he was off of probation, things were fine for a while, then the issues started coming back. He started using K2 and has been on a fast downward spiral ever since. He was arrested a while back for stealing a gas can out of someone's garage. He plead no contest and received 2 yrs probation. I am not sure what is going to happen with that now that he has a Violation of Probation.

    I guess my problem is that I have come realize that I am codependent and I can't let go of him. He has been given chance after chance and continues to blow it. The K2 causes him to have really violent outbursts. Although he has never "hit" anyone during one of his fits, it is still really scary. I am trying really hard to walk away, but I find myself trying to help him. My mind tells me I can't, but my heart won't listen. I have done nothing but cry for the past 2 days. I can't keep rescuing him I know this, but I can't bring myself to do that.

    Thank you for letting me ramble. I don't know what to do anymore.
     
  2. in a daze

    in a daze Well-Known Member

    Very sorry you have to deal with all this.

    Support groups are very helpful, such as Families Anonymous or Alanon. Getting a therapist for yourself, especially one who is a MSW, is highly recommended. My therapist is very helpful and her advice and support is invaluable to me. she acts as a guide for me as I deal with my son.
     
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry your son has made such bad choices, but that doesn't mean YOUR life has to be crazy and awful too. I seriously recommend Al-Anon or Narc-Anon to get face-to-face support and a lot of help, even if you are not religious. The messages from the group are not exclusive to being a part of a religion, but are a part of having a good life even when you love somebody who is self-destructive. At some point in time, you may wish to detach from your child (yes, it is possible) and to even give him an ultamatum...get clean or get out, but you have to make that decision yourself and it really helps if you have real life friends with shoulders to cry on.

    If you haven't read "Copdendent No More" by Melodie Beattie I highly recommend it as a starter. It is unlikely that your son is going to change any time soon. He does not seem interested in changing. But YOU can change how you react toward him and how you face each crisis he presents.

    Was he always difficult?
     
  4. elmo1015

    elmo1015 New Member

    I have looked up Al-anon and Codependents Anonymous. There were no meetings I could attend at that time. I do plan on attending one in the near future. I do have a therapist, but she moved and I hate driving so far to see her. I know I could get another one but I have been with her for almost 5 years off and on. She knows my situation very well. She does have the Dr. before her name but she has never prescribed me medications. I had a psychiatrist at one point, but now I have my regular doctor prescribe my medications (Wellbutrin, Xanax, and Vyanse). I have a hx of severe depression (I admitted myself at one point) and I also suffer from anxiety (I had one of my worst episodes while driving). I am currently on Wellbutrin to help me stop smoking. I am pretty sure had I not already been taking that, I would be in a much worse condition. Needless to say, I gave up on quitting after 2 days, because of all the drama in my house. I have not gone back to where I was before I quit, so I am hoping that I can quit again in a bit, when this whole issue is settled down.

    I have recently started back at church. I am not sure about the church I am attending. It's a non-denominational church and I grew up Lutheran. I know I have to bring God back into my life, I am just so wrapped in everything else, I "forget" about Him. I know it's not an excuse, but it's all I have. I have been praying a lot more. The last year and half has been extremely difficult for me and also for my son. I am in no way giving him an excuse, I just want all the facts known. On Christmas night 2011 he lost 2 dear friends in a horrific car accident. The boys were not doing anything wrong, I say that because most people think they were high or drunk or speeding. It was determined by the police that none of those were true. An elderly man, who had just come from a Christmas party, most likely drinking, but it can never be proven because he left the scene after giving his information to the police, decided "he could make it". I suppose he was right, he did, however those 2 boys did not. Those 2 boys were a large part of the community. They were loved by all. They had over 1000 people show up at their Celebration of Life. I knew the boys and felt a strong bond to them. Losing them still hurts me and my son.

    Yesterday at my son's first appearance hearing I found out that it is basically a waste to bail him out right now because he will just get arrested again next for his VOP. So now he will have 4 new charges against him. Supposedly, my husband and J, are going to call the state attorney and ask them to drop the charges. But he has to sit there until Tuesday or Wednesday and it is breaking my heart. My son called me last night and told me that he would go to straight to a treatment program when he got out. I am thankful for that. He also finally admitted to me that he was addicted to K2 and couldn't stop himself. So I was right, the K2 was the reason for his outbursts. I just hope he truly means it. He has never admitted the K2 to me so I am hoping that this is a sign that he does mean it.

    There is one other thing I forgot to mention, his 17 yr old girlfriend is 21 weeks pregnant. Her mother abandoned her and her 2 brothers 2 months ago. She moved to another state to be with some man. Her brothers moved in with their grandparents and she moved in with us. I can see her being codependent on my son and it breaks my heart. I told her that we need to find her a therapist and she agreed. We are going to see him this morning, he already knows he can't get out until next week and it is killing him. I wish my head and my heart were on the same because it kills me to see him go through this but I know he did it to himself. I keep telling myself that but it doesn't make it any easier.

    Thank you for responding, it really does help to "talk" about it to people who aren't in the situation. I have a BFF that is trying to help me. She was "scolding" me last night because of a comment I made to her. In the end, she hugged me and said I am only telling you these things because I love you and I want to help you get through this. I thought I had lost her a year ago but persistence paid off and we are friends again. There was a third person in our trio, and she is the reason that I almost lost her. My BFF distanced herself from me and the other person TC because TC was using both of us and I wouldn't make her stop. Once I finally distanced myself from TC my BFF and I were back together again. I have a really bad habit of letting people walk all over me. I can't help it, I want to help anyone and everyone I can.

    Ok, I guess I am done rambling again. Thanks again for listening.
     
  5. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Elmo I am glad you found us. I hope you find a support group, Families Anonymous is a wonderful group. My support group is the only thing that brought me out of me co-dependant roll. I was a mess, worrying and crying all the time, trying to fix difficult child.

    K2 or spice is an awful drug. There are reports that is makes the user very aggressive and they remember nothing after. I hope he does go into treatment and Ihope the treatment center has a parent education component. That helped me a great deal when my daughter was in treatment.

    Keep posting here, while we are not an in person support group we are very supportive and many of us have found this board invaluable in their own recovery.
     
  6. elmo1015

    elmo1015 New Member

    I found a CoDA meeting kinda near me on Sundays. I wanted to go but forgot about it when it came time to go and was not near the meeting when I realized I was missing it. I have started reading Codependent No More and will continue to work through the activities in order to help myself. I have been visiting difficult child almost daily since he was arrested. During our last visit he admitted he had a problem and asked for help. Although, there are little hints in his words that make me wonder if he is just saying this to get out and when he does, it isn't going to change anything. I want to believe him, it's just really difficult given his past. I feel as though, I am on "pause" while he is in there. I know I shouldn't be but I can't bring myself to do anything except think about him. I go through motions in a fog. I am really scared for my difficult child, I don't know what happened to get him to this point. He keeps saying he wants to be there for the birth of his son, but his actions haven't shown me that.

    After speaking with his probation officer, she made me wonder if the treatment center will even "treat" him for it. After typing that, I decided to call and found. They will treat him for it but they do it on an outpatient basis. I am not sure that will help him. But they are the only resource in the area. I honestly believe that he was on his way to recovery with the second program he was in, but aged out of the program before he was ready to end it. It's sad really because he was doing well.

    Thanks for listening again. I wish I could get out of this "fog".
     
  7. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I do understand how you are feeling having your son in jail. I have been there several times. Its hard. One thing I can tell you is not to believe all that talk he is spouting. They will say anything to get out. Remember the thing about everyone finding religion in jail but it never lasts. I cant tell you all the things my son promised when he was locked up. Just about everything.

    As far as rehab for pot, I think that is harder to find as an inpatient program. Most of them seem to specialize in one particular type of drug..ie.. pills and heroin, cocaine and meth, and there are even some that deal only with prescription pills. I have no idea why they do these subspecialties but they seem to do it, at least around here.
     
  8. elmo1015

    elmo1015 New Member

    I spoke with my difficult child a short time ago and he said to me that the minute he gets out he wants to go make an appointment. I told him that was not going to fly with me. If he was serious then he will go to the Access Center and get an evaluation done immediately after he gets out and follow their recommendations. He agreed with me. So I am really praying that he is true to his word. There were no buts or only if's. It was only when. When I spoke with him last night, I told him about a poem/story I had read on facebook. It went like this...

    Me: God, can I ask You a question?
    God: Sure
    Me: Promise You won't get mad ... ...
    God: I promise
    Me: Why did You let so much stuff happen to me today?
    God: What do u mean?
    Me: Well, I woke up late
    God: Yes
    Me: My car took forever to start
    God: Okay
    Me: at lunch they made my sandwich wrong & I had to wait
    God: Huummm
    Me: On the way home, my phone went DEAD, just as I picked up a call
    God: All right
    Me: And on top of it all off, when I got home 'I just want to soak my feet in my new foot massager & relax. BUT it wouldn't work!!! Nothing went right today! Why did You do that?
    God: Let me see, the death angel was at your bed this morning & I had to send one of My Angels to battle him for your life. I let you sleep through that
    Me (humbled): OH
    GOD: I didn't let your car start because there was a drunk driver on your route that would have hit you if you were on the road.
    Me: (ashamed)
    God: The first person who made your sandwich today was sick & I didn't want you to catch what they have, I knew you couldn't afford to miss work.
    Me (embarrassed):Okay
    God: Your phone went dead bcuz the person that was calling was going to give false witness about what you said on that call, I didn't even let you talk to them so you would be covered.
    Me (softly): I see God
    God: Oh and that foot massager, it had a shortage that was going to throw out all of the power in your house tonight. I didn't think you wanted to be in the dark.
    Me: I'm Sorry God
    God: Don't be sorry, just learn to Trust Me.... in All things , the Good & the bad.
    Me: I will trust You.
    God: And don't doubt that My plan for your day is Always Better than your plan.
    Me: I won't God. And let me just tell you God, Thank You for Everything today.
    God: You're welcome child. It was just another day being your God and I Love looking after My Children...

    I told him that story and he his response to me was God put me in here to get me off the K2. He didn't say it with maliciousness or any sarcasm that I could detect. He seemed to truly mean what he said. I guess we will find out when he can finally get out. Hopefully, that will be tomorrow. Although, he can't come back to this house because of the charges that he is facing. My husband and J are trying to drop the charges because in all actuality, he should not have been arrested for that. The deputies that came out the time before should have Baker Acted him, instead of just walking away. At least that is what the Access Center said they should have done, both times. I don't want it to sound as though I am giving my difficult child an excuse, I am not doing that. I wouldn't want anyone to go to jail for pushing/shoving someone that is bigger then them. That is exactly what happened. He was in a psychosis and should have been hospitalized not jailed. Oh well, live and learn. I will post more as I know more. Thank you for all your support. It is really helping me.
     
  9. Wakegirl

    Wakegirl Member

    elmo1015, my heart goes out to you! I could've almost written your post, word for word. I want to say this...hold him to his promise to get help!!!! My son has made the same promises...only to be broken, time and time again. He's done jail time, followed by an assessment, and outpatient counseling. He has talked the good talk, attempted to walk the walk, only to fail and fall backwards. NUMEROUS TIMES! He has done K2 (with the outrageous behaivor), although now that he's working and making his own money, he's back to weed. His girlfriend is pregnant, and due next month. He can't keep a job. I'm telling you this because I have fallen back on my threats to him, and therefore STILL dealing with it all. And I'm also begging you to hold him to his word, and let him know the consequences of breaking his promise (mine was kicking him out, which I have done several times...and on the verge of doing it again, for good this time. I'm gathering my strength.)

    Please keep us updated! Sending prayers up for you!
     
  10. bluebell

    bluebell Member

    Hi! I have a similar recent (last week) story. My son and husband got into a fight and I called the cops to get them both arrested. My original story is over in 'General Parenting', go over and check it out, I posted it yesterday. I need to move it and answer MidwestMom's questions, I keep trying to tell the long, drawn out story but it depresses me right now. I will work up to it.

    My son also has a K2 charge and a Marijuana charge, although he was currently off probation now that he is this Domestic Battery charge. I will say that my son has never had any consequences for his charges other than suspension, expulsion (no school, YAY!) and unsupervised probation that his father and I got to enforce. His only consequences have been meted out by his 'horrible' parents. I'm thinking since my son is 17 it will not be long before it is not just his father and I telling him how the world is, and that might be what it takes, if anything. I hate for it to be this way, but his 'innocence' is slipping completely away, it just feels different now. This is not what I wanted for my son, and if he cannot live in my home without drug abuse and violence at 18, I have another child to raise without it. Do you have other children?

    When I went to his juvie hearing the next morning, he comes in with his orange suit and his handcuffs and implores to me 'What can we do to make this go away? Is dad in bad trouble? I wanna come home, I'm so sorry.' And then once in the car it is 'Why did you do this to me? I've been on probation my entire teenage years and it's all your fault! I will hate dad to the day I die!'. They will say anything in handcuffs to get out of them. It's like day and night. I immediately wished I had told them I couldn't control him at home (which incidentally has been no picnic)....


    I know I have no advice, but you are not alone in this journey. My tears in the last week could fill buckets. Keep posting, and I will try to as well...
     
  11. elmo1015

    elmo1015 New Member

    My difficult child called today, because I forgot to schedule a visit therefore I can't see him today. I thought that would make him flip out because that is what would normally would happen. However, I got a pleasant surprise. He said "I understand Mom". He also told me in the same phone call, that he doesn't want anyone to bail him out after they rearrest him. He hopes that he can have most of his time served by the time he gets sentenced for the VOP. My husband and J have scheduled an appointment to talk to the States Attorney to get them to drop the charges. He also said that he still wants to go to the Access Center when he gets out. I am trying not to get my hopes up, but it's not easy. He's doing and saying all the right things. And one thing is he is not asking/begging to get out of there. He told me realizes that he got himself there and he needs to "man up" and accept his consequences. I plan on keeping him to his word and he keeps saying he is going when he gets out.

    Wakegirl - my thoughts and prayers are with you. I don't have any advise but I am here to listen if you need it. I can tell you that Codependent No More has helped me, even though I haven't finished it. It may help you.

    Bluebell - The criminal justice system has not helped my son. It started to but he aged out before he was ready. If your son is not ready for help, there is no helping him. I know this from personal experience. This is the first time my son has said that he needs help and wants help. I have prayed and prayed. I am hoping that this time he is for real. I am willing to leave him on the street if he doesn't follow through. Not easy to say, and I am sure it will be harder to do but I am ready for it if it comes down to it because I can no longer let him and his "problems" rule my life and the rest of the family's life.
     
  12. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I hope that your difficult child truly has had a change of heart. I'm glad that you are planning to hold him to it.

    ~Kathy
     
  13. elmo1015

    elmo1015 New Member

    My difficult child finally was rearrested yesterday afternoon. He has his first appearance today at 1. Not sure if J is going to make it but husband told me that he will. And since I have to pick him up, I hope so. The day before yesterday, things were really hard. We did not have a good visit in the morning and the one later that night was even worse. It wasn't anything that difficult child did. It was more his state of mind. It kills me to see him in there, and when I see him and he's "ok" it's a little easier to deal with, but when he is crying the whole 30 minutes, it makes it worse. I will say that yesterday when he called to tell me that he had finally been rearrested, he was in much better spirits. He is still saying that he doesn't want to be bailed out and that he wants to do his time and get it over with. He is also wanting to go to the Access Center when he gets out. When we had the night visit the other day, he had said, "Mom, I don't want to hurt you anymore, if it's too hard to come see me then don't. I got myself in this and I can handle it on my own." He really seems to be wanting to change, and it's not just because he wants out, if that were the case, he wouldn't be saying don't bail me out.

    I couldn't sleep tonight, I was laying in bed thinking about him. I love him so much and this is killing me. I really wish I had a crystal ball and could see into the future if he was really going to turn his life around or if he's just blowing smoke. I want to believe him, but I have been hurt so many times in the past. Sorry for rambling on. Just thought an update would be nice. I will post more after court and see what happens.

    *elmo
     
  14. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Thinking about you today and wondering how court went. Your comment about the crystal ball was exactly the way I felt too.
     
  15. elmo1015

    elmo1015 New Member

    husband and I went to court today and they made his VOP a no bond, which is what we thought would happen. I went to the public defender's office afterwards to see if I could find out what was going to happen. The attorney told me that most likely the state will drop the charges with the assault and then the VOP will most likely be dropped too. Even though this is good news, I have been having a panic attack all day. Then to top it off I went to go to visitation and didn't realize that my ID was in my other jeans, so I didn't get to see him. BUT, I just got off the phone with him and he is not the least bit mad. That is a major change that appears to be sticking. When we talked tonight he also said that he wanted to start going to church again every Sunday and he is still going straight to the Access Center when he gets out. He also said he has been praying every night. husband is going to tell the State's Attorney that he would like to see difficult child but he can't because of the no contact order. So we are hoping that they will "decline" the charges faster so the VOP can hopefully be dropped on Friday he will get out that day. I miss him so much. I have to say though, this is his last chance. In all honesty, I was ready to walk away from this. His change in attitude and direction made me reevaluate that choice. I just hope I don't regret it.

    Where o' where is that crystal ball???
     
  16. elmo1015

    elmo1015 New Member

    Well it's 1:30 in the morning here and I can't sleep. I have an awful stomachache and the beginning of a panic attack. I know what the problem is, difficult child is supposed to get out tomorrow. I have laid down all the rules if he wants to live here. And he still is agreeing to them. He also said to me during a phone call that he is done lying. I hope that's true. He has been going to Bible Study while he's been in there. He made his SO mad the other day because he didn't call her until late because he was in Bible Study. LOL. It has been so peaceful in my house with him not here. I really hate to say that but I know that it is his problem and not mine. I will NOT tolerate any of his "tantrums" anymore.

    I guess I should backup a minute since I haven't updated this since last week. husband and J went to see the State Attorney on Tuesday. Apparently, they were not going to file charges anyway. I checked the court records and it shows up as declined. I also talked to his public defender and he said that his probation officer is not looking for any jail time, she is just adding an anger management class to his probation requirements. He thinks they will decline the charges, but can't guarantee because the state's attorney can do as they please.

    Court is 7 and a half hours away. I am praying that I get through this.
     
  17. elmo1015

    elmo1015 New Member

    Well he finally got released yesterday. I'm not sure why it took this long for him to get since the state attorney dropped the VOP on Friday. The PO didn't sign off until Monday and the Judge didn't sign off until yesterday after my son's public defender called the judge's assistant. It's only been 12 hours and most of those were sleeping. Hope things go well today.
     
  18. elmo1015

    elmo1015 New Member

    I know it's been a while since I have posted. I am sorry for that. But things got hectic here. We had 8 people living in my house. Let me start from my last post, if I can remember.

    So he didn't go to the access center like he promised. I should have known then that it wasn't going to work. He got a pretty good job a month after he got out. And things were going fairly well for a while. The baby was born the day after Christmas. I should say that even before the baby was born I could see it was not his biological child. However, he did sign the birth certificate. He started to be a good father. Then as time went started doing less and less with the baby. The mother went into major postpartum depression. He stepped up and did more for a short period. Then she pulled out of her depression and he went back to doing less and less. Somewhere along the way he started drinking. I told him that he was not allowed to drink in my house but he didn't listen. One night something happened (a blowup) and he did go to the access center (not sure if it was before or after the baby). Well all they did was give him a referral. He never followed up and has still not gone to any counseling. Well he had another blowup about a month ago and this one was the biggest one I have ever seen out of him.

    It started over nothing! He was teasing the baby's mom about something and she didn't take it as teasing. He ended up taking a pillow and smacking her with it because she wouldn't give him the keys to the car. Well after that she gave them to him but he wanted to take the baby with him and we wouldn't let him. At one point I jumped in the passenger window to stop him from leaving and he grabbed my arm and attempted to break it in half. Well he did leave, but without the baby because he had to pick up someone from work. While he was gone, the baby and mother left for the night. When he got back and the baby wasn't here he flipped out. He literally terrorized me off and on for about 2 1/2 hours. The cops did show up but they didn't arrest him because I didn't tell them what he had done to me.

    The next day Sunday my husband left with my 11 yo and wouldn't come back until difficult child was out. Needless to say that was about a month ago, and we just now came home Friday. I stayed in the house Sunday night and Monday morning on my way into work I called and started the process for him to go into a partial residential treatment program. It wasn't completely set up by Monday night, so I stayed another night. On Tuesday it was set up. He was to go in that night at 8:00 pm after he got off work and went home to get some clothes. He got some things together but didn't start to leave until 8:00 so, his excuse was that he couldn't go now he missed the appointment. I told him that it wasn't an exact and he could go. He refused so I left that night and slept in my truck in a parking lot. The next day he said he would go that night. He did go to the access center but didn't stay. He said they told him he only needed counseling and not the partial residential treatment. I was livid. Then he threw a guilt trip on me and I fell for it so I stayed at the house that night. The next morning, I was making coffee and he come up behind me to get a glass out of the cabinet and it scared me. So I went to work and decided I was not staying the house that night. Again I slept in my truck in a parking lot. The next day I called the access center and asked why they didn't admit him. The guy told me that difficult child refused to stay. Again, I was livid.

    During this time my husband and 11 yo stayed in a hotel Sunday and Monday, then went to stay at my husband's brother's house about 45 minutes away. On Thursday I had called my husband and he flat out told me that he was not bringing me to his brother's house. I was devastated. At that moment I thought my marriage was over. On the way to work the next day I had to pull my truck over because I was started to hyperventilate because I was crying so hard. After about 10 minutes of screaming at the top of lungs and smoking a cigarette so I didn't hyperventilate. I resumed on my way to work. I was still crying once I got to work but was finally able to calm down. That night hubby and I talked and he took me to his brother's with him. Then it got bad again with us because I had been taking difficult child to work after we got back into town. Thursday night, he left town without me. We had been parking one of our vehicles at friend's house and only driving one. I didn't know what to do at that point. I had met up with a friend and she wouldn't let me sleep in my truck anymore. She was mad I had in the first place. So I told her I was going to get a room that night.

    I got a room at a motel down the road from my house, because it was the only one with a room. Not sure why all the rooms everywhere were booked but it was hard to find a room anywhere. Well on the way when I was checking in was the weekly rate. The next morning I decided to get a room for the week. Then I knew I had somewhere to rest my head at night. The next night my 11 yo was at a friend's house for the night. I went by to see him because it had been a few days since I had seen him. Hubby was there too and we decided to talk. He came back to my room that I had gotten for the week. And he stayed with me and we talked. Not sure anything was resolved but he was beside me that night. The next night he went back to his brother's because that's where all of his and my son's stuff was. I had an event I was volunteering at the next day and I had already paid for the room so I didn't go. I didn't see until late in the afternoon that day. Again, I believed our marriage was over.

    For the next week he was flip flopping between the room and his brother's. Finally, I spoke up and told him that I couldn't go on like we were anymore and I wanted to know if he was divorcing me. We actually talked and resolved some things. The next day he brought back all his stuff from his brother's. We got the room for another week and we were trying to get difficult child out of the house. Tuesday night difficult child called me crying. I guess he finally realized we weren't coming back until he was gone. On Wednesday I took him to work and he said that he didn't have anywhere to go but if he had the money from our tax return that we had talked about giving him he would move out. I told difficult child that he could still go to the program and he would have a place to go and he would get help. He didn't like that idea so I went back and told hubby and it was decided that we would give him the money but he had to leave that night.

    We gave him the money last Wednesday night. We didn't go back to the house until Thursday. We checked out of the room on Friday. And last night, difficult child called me wanting food. He was already out of money. I have detached myself from difficult child. He only cares about himself and no one else. I am not sure what happened to him but he is not the child I raised.

    He called last night asking for money for food. I didn't give it to him. He also just called again while I was typing this up. He wanted to talk. I refused. Nothing has changed and nothing will until he realizes that he needs help. He's not welcome in my house. I don't want to see or hear from him. I am done. I can't do what I have been doing for the last 3 or 4 years anymore.
     
  19. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi there and I'm so sorry you are going through this craziness.

    I do have a question. Why would you leave your own house rather than get him out? And why didn't you tell the cops he tried to break your arm? That's pretty serious and could have gotten him a restraining order so that he'd HAVE to leave.

    Your child is now a drug addict and any money you give him, as well meaning as it is, will go to drugs. My own opinion, which is only worth what it is, is that the money train should be cut off. Our adult kids learn how to couch surf and navigate the streets and take advantage of us for our money any way you can. This adult tried to break your arm. Why give him money?

    Anyway, my heart goes out to your hurting mommy heart, but (and this is JUST MY OPINION) I would end your son calling the shots and he certainly should not force your poor 11 year old to live in chaos just because he is. He needs to live elsewehre and if he is willing to follow the rules some homeless shelters are available. If he is not willing to follow the rules, well, he may learn how to live on the streets. Amazingly, most of them do not die or get sick. They do it fine, or what THEY consider fine, and the rest of us can finally have peace. You and yours deserve a good life, in spite of this struggling child of yours. You can not control his choices. Only he can change himself.
     
  20. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    Hi Elmo, wow, you are really going through it. I am sorry. I can hear your despair.

    I'm not sure of your whole situation but if I am understanding correctly, your adult son is using drugs and has been in trouble a lot because of drugs and his behavior.

    It sounds like the craziness is completely out of control right now, and you are on the verge of losing your whole life---your husband, other child and your sanity.

    It sounds like you are sick and tired.

    If you are ready to change, Elmo, I believe you already know what to do as you have been reading some recommended literature and you have been reading and posting on this board for a while.

    It's really up to you. You have control over your own life (and nothing else). What do you want to do?

    In my opinion, I would immediately stop the situation of being run out of my own house. If I had to call the police to do it, I would.

    You need time and space and rest with your husband and younger child, so you can think of what you want to do and how and when.

    I would write it down as my head clears and my basic needs are taken care of.

    Elmo, there is never a reason for an adult person to terrorize another adult person. That is against the law, and that is wrong. If that is going on, that has to stop. Now.

    I am sorry your son is crying and sorry and is hungry. It sounds like he created that situation.

    I would focus on my husband and younger son first. They would be my first priority.

    I hope I don't sound harsh. I don't mean to. I am sure you love your difficult child very much and are just sick at heart over these developments. However, it sounds like you are in an extreme situation and you have to take first steps. I would do that, Elmo, and then go from there.

    My best to you today. Wishing you hope and strength and courage and energy to do whatever you decide to do.
     
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