Long time...

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by AmericanGirl, May 20, 2014.

  1. AmericanGirl

    AmericanGirl Member

    Hi all,
    Things have been up and down here. difficult child got on a pretty good streak there for a while. He's been delivering food for the same place since August
    which is progress.

    There is just always something. Doesn't pay this or that. No tag. Gets ticket. Ignores ticket. No insurance. Is sick far more than he ever was as a child.

    I've done reasonably well with detaching. In fact, he was hateful right before Christmas. He spent it alone a mile away from me - where I was alone. It was better than dealing with his stuff.

    Five weeks ago, I broke my ankle. It's pretty bad. Right after that, he was truly sick one night and asked to come over. Ended up staying a week. I had surgery on 4/29. He didn't help me get to hospital, come see me, etc. He was increasingly selfish the last few days - things like not bringing me anything to eat for hours when I was supposed to be in bed with my foot elevated to help swelling. I asked him to leave as soon as I got home from the hospital. He threatened suicide, left and called repeatedly asking to return. Nope.

    Fast forward a week, he returns all sweet. He had been homeless all that time because of non-payment of rent. Was covered in ant bites. I'm on pretty heavy pain medications and still bed ridden. Stupid but I let him stay. (medications are where he cannot get them.)

    Two nights ago, at 1 am, I find out he has 4 people in my house - 3 he doesn't even know. I give him 5 min to get them out. "We'll go in the driveway and smoke and talk." "No. Off my property." He ignored me. Funny but when you are in your nightgown in a wheelchair and you open your garage door to find a group of idiots standing around smoking - the right thing to do is to hit the switch to close the door. Got their attention. Idiots go home. Except for difficult child. Sigh.

    Next day, he is furious. Kicks an ottoman across the room. Calls me the b word. Throws more stuff. Two of his friends see all this (they are there with my okay). One almost fights difficult child because of how he is treating me. It's really ugly. I throw difficult child out again. Friend has to wrestle difficult child to get my garage door opener back. The friends stay and clean up the mess for me even though difficult child was their ride. One insisted to check all my windows and doors. They were extremely kind and even called later to check in.

    I probably have three more weeks until the cast is off. Two weeks more to transition to full weight bearing. Right now, I have to keep it elevated or my toes turn deep purple. Friends have been wonderful with helping me get the house so I can manage, with doing errands and bringing meals.

    But - it's not safe to be around difficult child. If he will do this once, then it can happen again. He's supposedly staying with a friend in a awful trailer a few miles away. He texted me today that he had a wreck. I almost didn't answer but I asked if he was hurt. He said no and I didn't respond.

    He still denies any substance abuse. I was told he drank about 20 beers the night with the extra people here. The next morning, he left to run an errand and stole $10 from a friend. He told her he was going to get heroin. I didn't think heroin made you that aggressive. I don't know.

    He doesn't get it. All I can do is take care of me.
    Thanks for reading.....
     
  2. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    Oh, AG, I've been thinking about you and wondering where you were. I'm so sorry about your ankle and all the BS you're going through. I'm appalled at your son's lack of compassion and respect. I do recall that when he was good, he was very, very good, and when he was bad he was awful (that's a poem, right?).
    There's no speculating what substance(s) he may be on, or what medication might help if he's mentally ill, particularly if he sees no benefit in taking them. In any case, you're right, all you can do is take care of you. I hope you'll be back here more often. Sounds like you have a pretty nice support system there of friends looking after you - that's wonderful. Nice to see you again. Get strong and stay well.
     
  3. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hi AG! It is so good to see you. I'm sorry to hear about your difficult child. All you can do right now is protect yourself. Do not let him back in your house.

    ~Kathy
     
  4. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry!! You are absolutely right to take care of you and ensure YOUR safety. Please take care of yourself...
     
  5. AmericanGirl

    AmericanGirl Member

    Thank you all! No, he is NOT welcome here. If I get weak, I'm going to close my eyes and remember him throwing two heavy pots across my garage with all his strength and walking around my house purposely flicking cigarette ashes everywhere.

    He texted, "Did you do something to my bank account?" That's idiotic because I'm not on it nor do it even know the account number. I said "No" and his reply was "Ok cool." If I did anything to it, does this fool really think I'd be honest?!?

    So, I texted him this, "I'm no longer responding to any questions like this. I don't have any desire to harm you in any way. You can believe that or not. Your choice. I love you. I want you to be happy."

    I'm tired if being accused of everything. Am done defending myself.
     
  6. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    Hi AG, nice to see you dear friend. I am sorry you are having a rough time. Xoxo
     
  7. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    OH AG,
    I am so sorry to read of all of this. I'm sorry you were hurting and had no help or care from difficult child and I'm sorry that he may be using a drug like Heroin.
    I will put you both in my prayers.

    I hope you heal up soon. Am glad that you have friends there that can help you out.

    And you're so right...No more defending. Why do our careless, reckless, destructive, difficult child's think we owe THEM an explanation? It's baffling!

    Keep in touch,
    Love,
    LMS
     
  8. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    AG, I just read the thread again and one word comes to mind: outrageous.

    His behavior is outrageous. It's way, way, way over the top.

    The silver lining in this is that it's clear. It's very clear. You can't be a part of this at all. You know that, and that motivates you to separate, stop enabling, detach and work toward acceptance.

    The clarity itself is affirming. When our difficult children fly lower with less outrageous behavior it makes us more unsure of what our role is.

    I remember when my exhusband's alcoholism started progressing---for years he had been flying under the radar with his very high functioning brand of addiction. It was baffling and confusing and hard to figure out what was wrong, but something was badly wrong.

    Finally, when he ramped up, as all addicts do over time, it became clearer. There was a 911 call by me, a stint in the ER, blood alcohol levels taken, and suddenly it could not be denied any longer. At least for that day, by him.

    Clarity, while very painful, can be liberating.

    My son also flew under the radar for a long time, until he ramped up.

    The problem with that is it is crazy-making for us. Maybe they are just immature, lazy, misguided, lacking direction, blah blah blah. All kinds of excuses I made for the both of them for so so long.

    I didn't know. How could I know?

    Knowing is painful but it is liberating.

    AG, your son is still your son and he always will be. But addicts are primarily interested one thing and it's #1: getting more of their substance. That is king.

    Let that be a clear warning to all of us---until that changes, little else will change.

    Hugs and prayers for you today. Hang in there. You are going to be okay---you are so much more okay even with your ankle. Keep moving forward. There is hope and joy and peace ahead.
     
  9. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    AG I am so happy to hear from you but so sad that things are not much better. I smile glad you have made him leave. Please stay strong and font let him back in. You have to take care of yourself and your son us abusive toward you. Of course you love him but you do not have to allow him to abuse you. I hope your ankle heals and you are back on your feet soon.
     
  10. AmericanGirl

    AmericanGirl Member

    Thank you all. It's been a tough day and it helped to come here. I totally agree with everything each of you has said.

    Am on day 36 of almost total bed rest in a house by myself. A friend came over, brought dinner and visited a while. It was nice but I'm depressed.

    difficult child is posting on Facebook tonight about how hard it is to be homeless here but it'll be better in a week when he is homeless in another state (in a "undisclosed location.") He's threatened this before. His car won't make it, he has no money and no help. But --- when I read it, it sent chills throughout my body.

    I'm tired. I'm angry. I'm afraid. And I'm sick of being this way. It will be easier when I get some mobility back. Am going to work hard at rehabbing this ankle. I'm at my limit and really need it not to be another long-term problem without a solution.

    Earlier, I texted difficult child to tell him that his cable bill was here. No, he isn't coming inside. I told him I left it on the front porch for his convenience. He played the pity card about how he is sleeping in his car.

    I must remember that he could be here - safe and comfy - if he would simply behave decently. This is HIS choice and until HE hits bottom and changes HIS ways, nothing will change.

    Night....and thank you
     
  11. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    AG,

    I understand the depression and fears. I also understand why your son cannot live with you at this time. My difficult child made it quite clear to husband and I last year, that he "could put whatever substances he wants in HIS body"..."You can't stop me" etc. No, we couldn't stop him but we didn't have to allow him to use and totally self-destruct under our roof.

    Mine went hospital hopping for the better part of 6 months...in an attempt I assume to "live somewhere" and get pain medications. He still resents husband and I for booting him out of our home...but he left us no choice.

    My difficult child is still using unfortunately. He does currently have a job...but we all know it's just a matter of time before he loses it. It's like they can't see where one step leads to the next, ya know. My difficult child doesn't get that using, regardless of job status, etc. will always get in the way of any real progress. Sad.

    I hope you will heal up soon. Please continue to take good care of number one!

    Thinking of you,
    LMS
     
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