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Looking for advice (warning: sensitive matter, not going to be for everyone)
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 281329" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Go carefully and be gentle on yourself.</p><p></p><p>I am glad you've really thought things through concerning your brother. While I odn't agree with him, I think I can understand where he's coming from. he is wrong, but rather than deliberately hurting you, he also is in the clutches of a monster who is using him, and he doesn't realise it. Nor would he recognise it even if his nose was rubbed in it. You are wise to eliminate the risks to yourself and your family.</p><p></p><p>The night your brother turned up with your father - I'm betting you brother was convinced it was his (brother's) idea, but it would have been your father who subtly led to it, his entire reaso for being in your brother's life is to do his utmost to continue trying to control you (and all the victims he can) as much as he can. Sexual abuse is not about sex, so much as about control. And your brother is under his control, whether he could accept this or not. To your brother, your father is a misguided and misunderstood lonely old man, a nice man who is puzzled at all the nasty accusations that have been made. Maybe he has even admitted to your brother that yes, he was weak and allowed himself to be seduced by a child ... but of course, it wasn't his fault except to have given way. Assuming he has even admitted that much. It is the standard line - a skilled pedophile can convince his victims that they want the abuse, can convince himself that the abuse is actually GOOD for his victims but of course since society doesn't understand, he has to hide it. Only a more mature society (of other pedophiles) can understand the 'higher sophistication' of 'child love'. Pedophiles can even convince themselves - so what chance do the rest of us have, to convince their current victims (and I list your brother, and any females in his life among them).</p><p></p><p>So love your brother from afar, if you can allow yourself to. But I strongly agree - no physical contact with him (except maybe at a mutually vetted neutral space where you can be sure your father can't spy on you). </p><p></p><p>You do need help for you. Because to some extent, gonig after this man seems to have become at least part of your recovery. And even if you are ultimately successful, you are more than this. If you get to the end and even if you succeed beyond your wildest dreams (say, the death penalty or a life sentence) you willstill feel a nasty let-down when the fight is over.</p><p></p><p>For you, the fight is for your own sense of self. You thanked me for taking the time to share with "little old me" as you described yourself - remember, YOU deserve support and help, purely because you are a good person who helps others. You are you, worthy and decent. Do not apologise for living.</p><p></p><p>While I don't hold with the theories of "love your disease, it's keeping you well" I do feel that aspect of self-involvement in chronic health problems needs to be considered. When I first became disabled I had a rehab specialist actually recommend that book "love your disease..." and when I finally read it, I wanted to strangle the man. In my case I had been injured at work, I had not invited the health problems. However, there are some aspects of health problems which we know respond to our moods, emotions etc. Psychoimmunology is an important and valuable medical tool. While our health issues aren't all in the mind, neither are they all physical, either.</p><p></p><p>My health issues, like yours, have a strong auto-immune component. The more you can do to stop the self-harm that occurs form your own immune system attacking yourself, the better. Learning to relax, to meditate and to self-calm is a good start. Being able to monitor your own state of mind and over-ride any unhelpful agitation is valuable. And far from switching off any ability you might have as an advocate, it can actually strengthen it. I have found thta since I have learned this self-control, I can still use anger, but as a powerful tool directed appropriately, outwards. Instead of going to pieces so fast that people get hit by the shrapnel, instead I hold together and my rage becomes an intensely focussed laser beam cutting through a lot of red tape. I can switch it off when I need to, for my own self-preservation.</p><p></p><p>It has been argued that when we have a lot of anger or feel unheard, the anger gets turned inwards (because we haven't been allowed to express it) and it morphs into an attack on our own bodies. So instead of saying, "I am really angry because of this," and feeling like we are finally having attention paid to the problem and its getting sorted out, we instead smile and make nice, while inside the cauldron boils over and begins to eat away at us.</p><p></p><p>It's not all mind, it's not all physical. We are a blend and so our health states register it accordingly. Would you have developed MS anyway? Possibly, who knows? But could learning to manage your emotions over this reduce or control your MS? Quite likely. It can't hurt to try. If you fail to get it under control this way, DO NOT allow any guilt to intrude. All you have done is to try. Guilt has no place here.</p><p></p><p>It's like slipping and breaking your leg on an icy path. Does clearing the ice away mean your leg miraculously heals? Of course not. The best you can hope for is to prevent others having a similar fall, or prevent another fall yourself. If you can walk on the path without falling, you could heal faster.</p><p></p><p>Be good to yourself. It's about time someone was. You deserve respect and to be heard.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 281329, member: 1991"] Go carefully and be gentle on yourself. I am glad you've really thought things through concerning your brother. While I odn't agree with him, I think I can understand where he's coming from. he is wrong, but rather than deliberately hurting you, he also is in the clutches of a monster who is using him, and he doesn't realise it. Nor would he recognise it even if his nose was rubbed in it. You are wise to eliminate the risks to yourself and your family. The night your brother turned up with your father - I'm betting you brother was convinced it was his (brother's) idea, but it would have been your father who subtly led to it, his entire reaso for being in your brother's life is to do his utmost to continue trying to control you (and all the victims he can) as much as he can. Sexual abuse is not about sex, so much as about control. And your brother is under his control, whether he could accept this or not. To your brother, your father is a misguided and misunderstood lonely old man, a nice man who is puzzled at all the nasty accusations that have been made. Maybe he has even admitted to your brother that yes, he was weak and allowed himself to be seduced by a child ... but of course, it wasn't his fault except to have given way. Assuming he has even admitted that much. It is the standard line - a skilled pedophile can convince his victims that they want the abuse, can convince himself that the abuse is actually GOOD for his victims but of course since society doesn't understand, he has to hide it. Only a more mature society (of other pedophiles) can understand the 'higher sophistication' of 'child love'. Pedophiles can even convince themselves - so what chance do the rest of us have, to convince their current victims (and I list your brother, and any females in his life among them). So love your brother from afar, if you can allow yourself to. But I strongly agree - no physical contact with him (except maybe at a mutually vetted neutral space where you can be sure your father can't spy on you). You do need help for you. Because to some extent, gonig after this man seems to have become at least part of your recovery. And even if you are ultimately successful, you are more than this. If you get to the end and even if you succeed beyond your wildest dreams (say, the death penalty or a life sentence) you willstill feel a nasty let-down when the fight is over. For you, the fight is for your own sense of self. You thanked me for taking the time to share with "little old me" as you described yourself - remember, YOU deserve support and help, purely because you are a good person who helps others. You are you, worthy and decent. Do not apologise for living. While I don't hold with the theories of "love your disease, it's keeping you well" I do feel that aspect of self-involvement in chronic health problems needs to be considered. When I first became disabled I had a rehab specialist actually recommend that book "love your disease..." and when I finally read it, I wanted to strangle the man. In my case I had been injured at work, I had not invited the health problems. However, there are some aspects of health problems which we know respond to our moods, emotions etc. Psychoimmunology is an important and valuable medical tool. While our health issues aren't all in the mind, neither are they all physical, either. My health issues, like yours, have a strong auto-immune component. The more you can do to stop the self-harm that occurs form your own immune system attacking yourself, the better. Learning to relax, to meditate and to self-calm is a good start. Being able to monitor your own state of mind and over-ride any unhelpful agitation is valuable. And far from switching off any ability you might have as an advocate, it can actually strengthen it. I have found thta since I have learned this self-control, I can still use anger, but as a powerful tool directed appropriately, outwards. Instead of going to pieces so fast that people get hit by the shrapnel, instead I hold together and my rage becomes an intensely focussed laser beam cutting through a lot of red tape. I can switch it off when I need to, for my own self-preservation. It has been argued that when we have a lot of anger or feel unheard, the anger gets turned inwards (because we haven't been allowed to express it) and it morphs into an attack on our own bodies. So instead of saying, "I am really angry because of this," and feeling like we are finally having attention paid to the problem and its getting sorted out, we instead smile and make nice, while inside the cauldron boils over and begins to eat away at us. It's not all mind, it's not all physical. We are a blend and so our health states register it accordingly. Would you have developed MS anyway? Possibly, who knows? But could learning to manage your emotions over this reduce or control your MS? Quite likely. It can't hurt to try. If you fail to get it under control this way, DO NOT allow any guilt to intrude. All you have done is to try. Guilt has no place here. It's like slipping and breaking your leg on an icy path. Does clearing the ice away mean your leg miraculously heals? Of course not. The best you can hope for is to prevent others having a similar fall, or prevent another fall yourself. If you can walk on the path without falling, you could heal faster. Be good to yourself. It's about time someone was. You deserve respect and to be heard. Marg [/QUOTE]
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