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<blockquote data-quote="Heavy sigh" data-source="post: 616665" data-attributes="member: 17186"><p>Thank you so much Cedar, SuZir and all the rest. I have such a hard knowing how to regard the boyfriend. Through these last very difficult months, I have gotten to know his mom pretty well. She describes a sweet boy that has many of the same issues as my difficult child. She said he has always been kind to girls. Then, the boyfriend hurts my daughter. He has never hit her -- he just pulled her off a couch when he was drunk because he wanted her to go with him. He caused her to slip and fall and then ran from the police. Is that abuse? I don't know, but I would rather he just go far away. He most certainly has a drug and alcohol problem, and his parents are done with his behavior. Amazingly, my difficult child is the reasonable one in the relationship -- the problem solver, the motivated one... but still can't see past this relationship with him. He talks of leaving town (if his parole will even allow that), and<em> I keep saying it is not a bad thing -- my daughter does not agree. Thus the nature of the co-dependent relationship.</em></p><p></p><p>From the moment my daughter announced she was pregnant (called me as I was walking into a budget meeting, God love her...), I have regarded him as a blessing. I believe God only creates life for a purpose, so I hold onto that thought each and every time I see his tiny form on the ultrasound. I have absolutely no idea what the "right" path is for him and my daughter, so I simply love on her, talk to her about the baby, encourage her to be healthy (which she is doing so well) and help her think through her options. We meet with the adoption counselor on Tuesday. She asked me to join her, so I will.</p><p></p><p>You ask about my husband. He is the more sensitive of the 2 of us and has been deeply hurt by our daughters behavior. No surprise that he blames himself for many of her issues, even though we know her stuff is more about her nature than what he did or didn't do. We made mistakes I'm sure, but mental illness just makes things so much harder. Her behavior has taken its toll on his own self-worth, which I hate. He is a good person, just so black and white in his thinking, that he had a hard time understanding our free-spirit child. And, the fact that much of her theft in the last months targeted him and things he loved, took its toll on the already fragile relationship.</p><p></p><p>I think there has been some healing with her home for the holidays. He still doesn't trust her (AT ALL), but he is kind to her and does love her very much. He holds me steady through the manipulation. I don't always appreciate him pointing it out to me, but he is often right about what is going on. I think he has detached to a point that he sees things so much more clearly. I try to remember that even when this mama bear is trying so hard to protect her baby cub. We seem to balance each other well -- I bring grace while he brings clear (and sometimes hardline) thinking. We are blessed to have weathered this storm together, but it has not been easy. We've had good counselors along the way who have helped.</p><p></p><p>I appreciate all of the kind advice -- that's why I finally posted, and I am pursuing some of the ideas mentioned along the way. This board has provided much practical help, and emotional support, at a time when there are few in my circle that get what we are going through. So, thanks...</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Heavy sigh, post: 616665, member: 17186"] Thank you so much Cedar, SuZir and all the rest. I have such a hard knowing how to regard the boyfriend. Through these last very difficult months, I have gotten to know his mom pretty well. She describes a sweet boy that has many of the same issues as my difficult child. She said he has always been kind to girls. Then, the boyfriend hurts my daughter. He has never hit her -- he just pulled her off a couch when he was drunk because he wanted her to go with him. He caused her to slip and fall and then ran from the police. Is that abuse? I don't know, but I would rather he just go far away. He most certainly has a drug and alcohol problem, and his parents are done with his behavior. Amazingly, my difficult child is the reasonable one in the relationship -- the problem solver, the motivated one... but still can't see past this relationship with him. He talks of leaving town (if his parole will even allow that), and[I] I keep saying it is not a bad thing -- my daughter does not agree. Thus the nature of the co-dependent relationship.[/I] From the moment my daughter announced she was pregnant (called me as I was walking into a budget meeting, God love her...), I have regarded him as a blessing. I believe God only creates life for a purpose, so I hold onto that thought each and every time I see his tiny form on the ultrasound. I have absolutely no idea what the "right" path is for him and my daughter, so I simply love on her, talk to her about the baby, encourage her to be healthy (which she is doing so well) and help her think through her options. We meet with the adoption counselor on Tuesday. She asked me to join her, so I will. You ask about my husband. He is the more sensitive of the 2 of us and has been deeply hurt by our daughters behavior. No surprise that he blames himself for many of her issues, even though we know her stuff is more about her nature than what he did or didn't do. We made mistakes I'm sure, but mental illness just makes things so much harder. Her behavior has taken its toll on his own self-worth, which I hate. He is a good person, just so black and white in his thinking, that he had a hard time understanding our free-spirit child. And, the fact that much of her theft in the last months targeted him and things he loved, took its toll on the already fragile relationship. I think there has been some healing with her home for the holidays. He still doesn't trust her (AT ALL), but he is kind to her and does love her very much. He holds me steady through the manipulation. I don't always appreciate him pointing it out to me, but he is often right about what is going on. I think he has detached to a point that he sees things so much more clearly. I try to remember that even when this mama bear is trying so hard to protect her baby cub. We seem to balance each other well -- I bring grace while he brings clear (and sometimes hardline) thinking. We are blessed to have weathered this storm together, but it has not been easy. We've had good counselors along the way who have helped. I appreciate all of the kind advice -- that's why I finally posted, and I am pursuing some of the ideas mentioned along the way. This board has provided much practical help, and emotional support, at a time when there are few in my circle that get what we are going through. So, thanks... [/QUOTE]
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