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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 620646" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Welcome hopeforhealing..........I'm glad you found us. Detaching from our adult children is a very difficult task. You've arrived at a place where we all know exactly how you are feeling and what you are going through. If you've read our stories then you already know that. You are not alone anymore, if you need us, we are here.</p><p></p><p>You may want to read the article at the bottom of my post here on detachment, it is quite helpful. Your son's failure to launch is not your fault nor can you change it. Only he can do that. He is an adult. It's wise for you to have gotten that restraining order. If he wants to live with you anytime in the future, you may want to find out exactly what the eviction laws are so you can do it quickly. It's very important to know exactly what our options are.</p><p></p><p>It is very hard and I am so sorry you find yourself in this place. The most important thing we parents of adult kids learn is that the only thing any of us can do is to learn to detach and learn to accept what is. Your son may change, he may not, but your life cannot hinge on his choices, that is what makes us crazy and robs us of peace and joy. In order for you to get your life back on track, YOU have to work on the detachment, it is a great help to us to have a therapist, a counselor, a parent group, a 12 step group, whatever feels right to you, but find someone or someplace to go where you will get heard, receive support, get tools to detach, receive compassion and empathy and learn to put the focus on yourself and take it off of your son. </p><p></p><p>The hardest thing for us to learn is that these kids are NOT our sweet babies, they are grown men and women who usually end up hurting us, blaming us, manipulating us, harming us and holding us hostage with their antics. You don't have to put up with that, no one said we parents have to be abused, have to care for someone who is mean to us, disrespects us, or in any way harms us. His life is his. Your life is yours, there comes a time for all of us here, when parenting them comes to an end and loving ourselves becomes more important. </p><p></p><p>He asked you to not contact him, I would abide by his wishes, allow him to go to jail or live with his Dad and begin to detach and open the doors to have your own life now. You'e been at this a long time, I'm sure you are depleted, exhausted and just plain worn out. Once you begin to let go, you will likely find you are way more tired then you think, we usually are hyper-vigilant and don't even know it. You will need time to de-stress. Take it now.</p><p></p><p>Be kind to yourself. Do comforting, nourishing, nurturing things for yourself every day. Find support for YOU, keep posting, practice detachment and know that you are not alone..............<em>we are here if you need us........</em></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 620646, member: 13542"] Welcome hopeforhealing..........I'm glad you found us. Detaching from our adult children is a very difficult task. You've arrived at a place where we all know exactly how you are feeling and what you are going through. If you've read our stories then you already know that. You are not alone anymore, if you need us, we are here. You may want to read the article at the bottom of my post here on detachment, it is quite helpful. Your son's failure to launch is not your fault nor can you change it. Only he can do that. He is an adult. It's wise for you to have gotten that restraining order. If he wants to live with you anytime in the future, you may want to find out exactly what the eviction laws are so you can do it quickly. It's very important to know exactly what our options are. It is very hard and I am so sorry you find yourself in this place. The most important thing we parents of adult kids learn is that the only thing any of us can do is to learn to detach and learn to accept what is. Your son may change, he may not, but your life cannot hinge on his choices, that is what makes us crazy and robs us of peace and joy. In order for you to get your life back on track, YOU have to work on the detachment, it is a great help to us to have a therapist, a counselor, a parent group, a 12 step group, whatever feels right to you, but find someone or someplace to go where you will get heard, receive support, get tools to detach, receive compassion and empathy and learn to put the focus on yourself and take it off of your son. The hardest thing for us to learn is that these kids are NOT our sweet babies, they are grown men and women who usually end up hurting us, blaming us, manipulating us, harming us and holding us hostage with their antics. You don't have to put up with that, no one said we parents have to be abused, have to care for someone who is mean to us, disrespects us, or in any way harms us. His life is his. Your life is yours, there comes a time for all of us here, when parenting them comes to an end and loving ourselves becomes more important. He asked you to not contact him, I would abide by his wishes, allow him to go to jail or live with his Dad and begin to detach and open the doors to have your own life now. You'e been at this a long time, I'm sure you are depleted, exhausted and just plain worn out. Once you begin to let go, you will likely find you are way more tired then you think, we usually are hyper-vigilant and don't even know it. You will need time to de-stress. Take it now. Be kind to yourself. Do comforting, nourishing, nurturing things for yourself every day. Find support for YOU, keep posting, practice detachment and know that you are not alone..............[I]we are here if you need us........[/I] [/QUOTE]
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