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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 620651" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Hi there, hon, and so sorry for your hurting mommy heart. Believe it or not, the vast majority of this on the forum have gone through what you are, and we are still here and many are thriving. We can not change our adult children, but we can change ourselves and how we respond to them and how much time we spend thinking about their choices. And we certainly don't have to buy into their typical way of turning their bad behavior into being our faults. It is typical of these types of adult children to try to guilt us into continuing to help them remain children, drug addicts, thieves, disrespectful people...you name it. The name of the game to them is "It's your fault that I don't want to be responsible and socially acceptance and you are my mother so you OWE ME to support my whims and needs forever, even though I won't even try to improve myself."</p><p></p><p>Most of our adult children had loving, doted-on childhoods in which we wanted to make sure our children did not experience hardship and we sure wanted to make sure they had all the wonderful lessons and sports activities and dance lessons and college educations and we loved them endless...and we expected, of course, that they'd grow up to appreciate these things. But a difficult child doesn't appreciate it. In fact, he feels entitled to these things and, worse, even if he is acting like a criminal, stealing from you, intimidating you, even shoving or hitting you...he still expects you to let him lay around the house all day, not care if he is high, pay for all his electronics, not "bug" him, and keeping sending him the money. You become "the bank." And sadly for many of us the adult child often does not seem to care much about us or anything except getting his needs met. </p><p></p><p>Your son is an adult, just like mine is. When he was a newborn I did not expect to think "One day I may be afraid of him." But I am a realist and I am and he can never live with me again.I enabled his behavior for many years because I felt so sorry for him. God forbid he entertain the thought that I didn't love him, however many of our difficult children (if not most) define love as what we GIVE them, even as they are old enough to take care of themselves. That is wrong and they know darn well how much we love them. They just don't want us to set any boundaries that will cut off their free ride on both living expenses and acceptable behavior. Their reasons why they are behaving so horribly are often "When you and Dad were fighting on my sixth birthday, it screwed me up" or "you got a divorce and it made me depressed so you are to blame for MY behavior." It's insane. At eighteen, they are legally adults and choose their behavior. It is their decision how they behave. It is not our fault. And most of them reject any sort of help anyway, and often they end up having to leave our house both because they refuse to grow up and because they are not safe. Will they become homeless? Many of them choose that rather than to follow rules...our rules, homeless shelter rules, any rules. They think rules don't apply to them and all should always be forgiven because we are the parents. We don't deserve a life beyond parenting them forever.</p><p></p><p>Except that we do. You are not your son and he is not you. Even if he chooses a miserable life (in our eyes), YOU didn't choose his life for him and you deserve to be happy, doing things you love with people who respect and appreciate your good heart and make you feel relaxed and serene. Many of us are at a point where our troubled adult kid is our entire life. That's not going to change your son and it will damage you, stress-wide, health-wise, mental health-wise.</p><p></p><p>You can change one person...yourself. Not your son. Not in any way. HE has to change himself..so don't waste time trying because it will not work. You can only change how to react to him and he won't like it if you set boundaries so things can get almost dangerous if you draw a line in the sand...so be careful and be safe if you are ready to take your power and your life back.</p><p></p><p>Not letting you contact him is the pouting stage. He is furious that you dared to set boundaries. How long it will last is up to him. A break from one another is often a good thing. Certainly you will start to feel more peaceful. I agree with Recovering Enabler that you should be good to yourself and learn detachment skills. </p><p></p><p>I am again so sorry for your hurting mommy heart. It gets better when we accept that we can not change our adult children, that they are separate people from us, and when we choose to move on with our life, guilt-free, and with gusto. And it can be done and has been done by so many here. It is a learning curb and not easy, but a good start is to face the person your son really is. That is a very hard thing to do...to admit to ourselves that our adult child is not nice, or is a criminal, or is a drug addict or is all mentioned categories. But it helps to see them straight and to stop making excuses for them. </p><p></p><p>In time, he may decide to change with intensive therapy and turn his life around. But it has to be HIS decision or it won't work. </p><p></p><p>I wish you a peaceful and serene life in which you start to think about your own needs and what YOU want to do in life and about the people in your life who love you unconditionally.</p><p></p><p>Big hugs of understanding.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 620651, member: 1550"] Hi there, hon, and so sorry for your hurting mommy heart. Believe it or not, the vast majority of this on the forum have gone through what you are, and we are still here and many are thriving. We can not change our adult children, but we can change ourselves and how we respond to them and how much time we spend thinking about their choices. And we certainly don't have to buy into their typical way of turning their bad behavior into being our faults. It is typical of these types of adult children to try to guilt us into continuing to help them remain children, drug addicts, thieves, disrespectful people...you name it. The name of the game to them is "It's your fault that I don't want to be responsible and socially acceptance and you are my mother so you OWE ME to support my whims and needs forever, even though I won't even try to improve myself." Most of our adult children had loving, doted-on childhoods in which we wanted to make sure our children did not experience hardship and we sure wanted to make sure they had all the wonderful lessons and sports activities and dance lessons and college educations and we loved them endless...and we expected, of course, that they'd grow up to appreciate these things. But a difficult child doesn't appreciate it. In fact, he feels entitled to these things and, worse, even if he is acting like a criminal, stealing from you, intimidating you, even shoving or hitting you...he still expects you to let him lay around the house all day, not care if he is high, pay for all his electronics, not "bug" him, and keeping sending him the money. You become "the bank." And sadly for many of us the adult child often does not seem to care much about us or anything except getting his needs met. Your son is an adult, just like mine is. When he was a newborn I did not expect to think "One day I may be afraid of him." But I am a realist and I am and he can never live with me again.I enabled his behavior for many years because I felt so sorry for him. God forbid he entertain the thought that I didn't love him, however many of our difficult children (if not most) define love as what we GIVE them, even as they are old enough to take care of themselves. That is wrong and they know darn well how much we love them. They just don't want us to set any boundaries that will cut off their free ride on both living expenses and acceptable behavior. Their reasons why they are behaving so horribly are often "When you and Dad were fighting on my sixth birthday, it screwed me up" or "you got a divorce and it made me depressed so you are to blame for MY behavior." It's insane. At eighteen, they are legally adults and choose their behavior. It is their decision how they behave. It is not our fault. And most of them reject any sort of help anyway, and often they end up having to leave our house both because they refuse to grow up and because they are not safe. Will they become homeless? Many of them choose that rather than to follow rules...our rules, homeless shelter rules, any rules. They think rules don't apply to them and all should always be forgiven because we are the parents. We don't deserve a life beyond parenting them forever. Except that we do. You are not your son and he is not you. Even if he chooses a miserable life (in our eyes), YOU didn't choose his life for him and you deserve to be happy, doing things you love with people who respect and appreciate your good heart and make you feel relaxed and serene. Many of us are at a point where our troubled adult kid is our entire life. That's not going to change your son and it will damage you, stress-wide, health-wise, mental health-wise. You can change one person...yourself. Not your son. Not in any way. HE has to change himself..so don't waste time trying because it will not work. You can only change how to react to him and he won't like it if you set boundaries so things can get almost dangerous if you draw a line in the sand...so be careful and be safe if you are ready to take your power and your life back. Not letting you contact him is the pouting stage. He is furious that you dared to set boundaries. How long it will last is up to him. A break from one another is often a good thing. Certainly you will start to feel more peaceful. I agree with Recovering Enabler that you should be good to yourself and learn detachment skills. I am again so sorry for your hurting mommy heart. It gets better when we accept that we can not change our adult children, that they are separate people from us, and when we choose to move on with our life, guilt-free, and with gusto. And it can be done and has been done by so many here. It is a learning curb and not easy, but a good start is to face the person your son really is. That is a very hard thing to do...to admit to ourselves that our adult child is not nice, or is a criminal, or is a drug addict or is all mentioned categories. But it helps to see them straight and to stop making excuses for them. In time, he may decide to change with intensive therapy and turn his life around. But it has to be HIS decision or it won't work. I wish you a peaceful and serene life in which you start to think about your own needs and what YOU want to do in life and about the people in your life who love you unconditionally. Big hugs of understanding. [/QUOTE]
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