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Looking for some hope
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 620671" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Hope, glad you have found us. My son is 24.5 and your story sounds very similar to mine. My son's rapid descent began about four years ago---he muddled along before then, lazy, didn't try, etc. </p><p></p><p>He now has felonies, has been homeless multiple times, in multiple rehabs, lies, steals from us, steals from employers, neighbors, traffic violations. He has been in jail multiple times. We used to hire lawyers and go sit in court. We don't do that anymore. Right now, he is homeless, living on the street and if he is arrested one more time, he goes to prison for four years. And Hope, there is not one thing I can do to change whatever he decides to do.</p><p></p><p>The last four years have been a h___ for all of us who love him. </p><p></p><p>I used to stand in front of his baby pictures and sob. I have them in frames all over the house, along with my older son's pictures. Just like I'm sure you do. </p><p></p><p>His car is parked in an enclosed fenced area now here in my neighborhood. It was a very nice Camry that was purchased used for him---very clean and in perfect shape. He and I searched for it together---I really enjoyed doing that with him.</p><p></p><p>You should see it now. Cigarette burns in the seats, completely trashed out, wrecked multiple times, filthy, tons of debris in it. I used to stand there and look at that car and sob. It was a metaphor for my son's life---once bright and filled with every opportunity---now completely trashed.</p><p></p><p>Both of my sons had every opportunity---just like you say your son has had. My older son graduated from college with a degree in Math and now has a Master's in Math. He is engaged. He teaches high school math right now. He is a great young man. My younger son, my difficult child (Gift from God), had those same opportunities. He had parents who would have supported him through college so he would have no student loans like many others do. He is very smart so could have done anything he wanted to do. He is tall, handsome, has a great smile (produced with thousands of dollars of braces), sweet, a bit shy. And he is a drug addict. </p><p></p><p>Hope, you will have to go through the process. You just will. It is natural to feel all that you are feeling right now. </p><p></p><p>You "should" not feel one way or another. You feel what you feel and that is true. You will need to cry, rage, grieve, lie there, go numb, be frantic, be obsessed, try anything, try everything, talk to a million people to find an answer....on and on. We all did those things. We were nearly insane with it. </p><p></p><p>Your only decision is this: Am I going to act on what I feel? </p><p></p><p>Sometimes you will because every cell in your body is pushing you hard to DO SOMETHING. You just can't "not do it." Whatever it is. </p><p></p><p>I've been there too. And that's okay too. You can only do the very best you can every day and you are the only person who knows what that is.</p><p></p><p>I will tell you this. If your son is abusing substances, there is <strong><u>nothing in this world that you can do that will cause him to stop unless and until he is ready to stop</u></strong>. NOTHING. Hear me: NOTHING.</p><p></p><p>There is no combination of words or actions you can come up with. Read Melody Beattie's book Codependent No More, page 72 where she spells out---it is great reading---all of the things we do to get them to stop. </p><p></p><p><u><strong>And the more you can stop, the closer he may be to changing. </strong></u>I say "may" because even though I have stopped, my son is still doing the same things he has done for the past four years. But things ARE different, because I am different, and finally, he may have a real chance because I'm not interfering with the natural consequences of his decisions any more. Finally. </p><p></p><p>Okay, if you're still with me at this point (and you may be saying, well my situation is different. If you are, I get that. I know. I said that too. For years.)---but if you're still with me, you may be saying: </p><p></p><p>Well, what CAN I do? I have to do SOMETHING. This is the most painful and awful thing I have ever been involved in.</p><p></p><p>Here is what you can do, Hope. You can work on yourself. You can turn your energy on YOU. </p><p></p><p>You can find an Al-Anon meeting in your town right now today. You can go to that meeting and sit and listen. You can purchase the literature. You can talk to one or two people after the meeting. You can share if you want to. You don't have to. </p><p></p><p>Then you can go back again and again and again. You can read the books---there are many great Al-Anon books. I have every single one of them. I have read them over and over and I still do today. I have read David Sheff's Clean. You can read his son Nik Sheff's two books. You can ready Beattie's other books. </p><p></p><p>Maybe you have already started doing these things. If so, you're on your way already.</p><p></p><p>Then, over time, you can get a sponsor in AlAnon. The purpose of that is to have somebody to spill it all out to. And she will give you clear, good, honest feedback. She will walk with you in person and on the phone through your pain. </p><p></p><p>You can come to this site and post and read. There are other sites on the Web like this. Another is adultchildaddict.com.</p><p></p><p>Hope, as you work hard, as you grow and change, you will start feeling periods of peace, contentment, calm and serenity whether or not your precious son is still out of control or not. I promise you this. If you work hard, you will get results.</p><p></p><p>It won't be easy and it won't come quickly. We are mommies in our DNA and the hardest relationship in this situation is mother/son, so I've been told. A mother will still be standing for her son when everybody else is way past done. I know I was. He is my baby. Except he's not. </p><p></p><p>You can also be kind to yourself, doing nice things for YOU like bubble baths, exercise, meditation, yoga, prayer, church---whatever works for you and whatever you like to do that makes you feel taken care of. </p><p></p><p>You can write to other people like I am doing right now for you. This helps me because it affirms what I have learned. Hope, I have learned this inch by inch over the years. Today, I focus most of my energy on myself. I am always available to my son IF he truly wants to change. I have not cut off all contact, but i have severely limited the contact. I have had to. </p><p></p><p>Hope, I feel deeply for you. I hope your son isn't an addict or alcoholic and can get faster help that helps him turn his life around faster. </p><p></p><p>But Hope, he is an adult and it truly is up to him. Only he can live his life. </p><p></p><p>But if not, you need to have a plan for YOU. Hang in there Hope. We get it here. We have been there and done that and we are still surviving. In fact, most days I am a very happy person. I love my son very much and I pray for a miracle. And while I am still hoping and praying for that, I am going to live my own life that I am very grateful for.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 620671, member: 17542"] Hope, glad you have found us. My son is 24.5 and your story sounds very similar to mine. My son's rapid descent began about four years ago---he muddled along before then, lazy, didn't try, etc. He now has felonies, has been homeless multiple times, in multiple rehabs, lies, steals from us, steals from employers, neighbors, traffic violations. He has been in jail multiple times. We used to hire lawyers and go sit in court. We don't do that anymore. Right now, he is homeless, living on the street and if he is arrested one more time, he goes to prison for four years. And Hope, there is not one thing I can do to change whatever he decides to do. The last four years have been a h___ for all of us who love him. I used to stand in front of his baby pictures and sob. I have them in frames all over the house, along with my older son's pictures. Just like I'm sure you do. His car is parked in an enclosed fenced area now here in my neighborhood. It was a very nice Camry that was purchased used for him---very clean and in perfect shape. He and I searched for it together---I really enjoyed doing that with him. You should see it now. Cigarette burns in the seats, completely trashed out, wrecked multiple times, filthy, tons of debris in it. I used to stand there and look at that car and sob. It was a metaphor for my son's life---once bright and filled with every opportunity---now completely trashed. Both of my sons had every opportunity---just like you say your son has had. My older son graduated from college with a degree in Math and now has a Master's in Math. He is engaged. He teaches high school math right now. He is a great young man. My younger son, my difficult child (Gift from God), had those same opportunities. He had parents who would have supported him through college so he would have no student loans like many others do. He is very smart so could have done anything he wanted to do. He is tall, handsome, has a great smile (produced with thousands of dollars of braces), sweet, a bit shy. And he is a drug addict. Hope, you will have to go through the process. You just will. It is natural to feel all that you are feeling right now. You "should" not feel one way or another. You feel what you feel and that is true. You will need to cry, rage, grieve, lie there, go numb, be frantic, be obsessed, try anything, try everything, talk to a million people to find an answer....on and on. We all did those things. We were nearly insane with it. Your only decision is this: Am I going to act on what I feel? Sometimes you will because every cell in your body is pushing you hard to DO SOMETHING. You just can't "not do it." Whatever it is. I've been there too. And that's okay too. You can only do the very best you can every day and you are the only person who knows what that is. I will tell you this. If your son is abusing substances, there is [B][U]nothing in this world that you can do that will cause him to stop unless and until he is ready to stop[/U][/B]. NOTHING. Hear me: NOTHING. There is no combination of words or actions you can come up with. Read Melody Beattie's book Codependent No More, page 72 where she spells out---it is great reading---all of the things we do to get them to stop. [U][B]And the more you can stop, the closer he may be to changing. [/B][/U]I say "may" because even though I have stopped, my son is still doing the same things he has done for the past four years. But things ARE different, because I am different, and finally, he may have a real chance because I'm not interfering with the natural consequences of his decisions any more. Finally. Okay, if you're still with me at this point (and you may be saying, well my situation is different. If you are, I get that. I know. I said that too. For years.)---but if you're still with me, you may be saying: Well, what CAN I do? I have to do SOMETHING. This is the most painful and awful thing I have ever been involved in. Here is what you can do, Hope. You can work on yourself. You can turn your energy on YOU. You can find an Al-Anon meeting in your town right now today. You can go to that meeting and sit and listen. You can purchase the literature. You can talk to one or two people after the meeting. You can share if you want to. You don't have to. Then you can go back again and again and again. You can read the books---there are many great Al-Anon books. I have every single one of them. I have read them over and over and I still do today. I have read David Sheff's Clean. You can read his son Nik Sheff's two books. You can ready Beattie's other books. Maybe you have already started doing these things. If so, you're on your way already. Then, over time, you can get a sponsor in AlAnon. The purpose of that is to have somebody to spill it all out to. And she will give you clear, good, honest feedback. She will walk with you in person and on the phone through your pain. You can come to this site and post and read. There are other sites on the Web like this. Another is adultchildaddict.com. Hope, as you work hard, as you grow and change, you will start feeling periods of peace, contentment, calm and serenity whether or not your precious son is still out of control or not. I promise you this. If you work hard, you will get results. It won't be easy and it won't come quickly. We are mommies in our DNA and the hardest relationship in this situation is mother/son, so I've been told. A mother will still be standing for her son when everybody else is way past done. I know I was. He is my baby. Except he's not. You can also be kind to yourself, doing nice things for YOU like bubble baths, exercise, meditation, yoga, prayer, church---whatever works for you and whatever you like to do that makes you feel taken care of. You can write to other people like I am doing right now for you. This helps me because it affirms what I have learned. Hope, I have learned this inch by inch over the years. Today, I focus most of my energy on myself. I am always available to my son IF he truly wants to change. I have not cut off all contact, but i have severely limited the contact. I have had to. Hope, I feel deeply for you. I hope your son isn't an addict or alcoholic and can get faster help that helps him turn his life around faster. But Hope, he is an adult and it truly is up to him. Only he can live his life. But if not, you need to have a plan for YOU. Hang in there Hope. We get it here. We have been there and done that and we are still surviving. In fact, most days I am a very happy person. I love my son very much and I pray for a miracle. And while I am still hoping and praying for that, I am going to live my own life that I am very grateful for. [/QUOTE]
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