Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Looking for some shared wisdom as period of no contact ends
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Echolette" data-source="post: 620890" data-attributes="member: 17269"><p>This was a humbling and thought provoking series of responses. I have to say, the middle ground may be the hardest for me to feel stable on...no contact was hard but clear. Full support and attempts to control or change him was at least a fulltime distraction from the reality of who he is. The middle ground..seeing my boy as the man he is, and letting it be so without being angry, without wanting to slap him for being sooooo stupid, and still to cherish the contact...that seems right, and yet seems impossibly hard. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>This helped me a lot, today, Cedar. I may print it out and carry it in my purse as I have one other of yours, and one of COM's...yours was about his knowing the bare minimum, and COM's about searching in myself for the part that still wants to make him change.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I used this. I sent him a facebook message. It was longer than this, much longer, perhaps more than he will read. I said I was glad to have had some contact this week. I said that we would have to wait till he lived up to his promises before he could be welcomed back into my home...and that I hoped he could see his way to that while his younger brothers still live here, while there is still a "family" to come home to. And I told him that I loved him and know that he is smart and resourceful. I read it to one of my 15 year olds..he like it a lot, and I think it made him feel better, sort of safer in his relationship with me (he feels quite safe and loved anyway, but I am sure there is some place of 'she cut difficult child out, maybe she'll cut me out too if I cross her" in their deep psyches).</p><p></p><p>He (easy child 16) offered that I should have used more "I feel " and "I think" terms, as they are inarguable. Pretty sweet from a 16 hear old who has not yet had therapy (he is starting on WEdnesday, thank goodness, long overdue)</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Bingo!!!!!!!!!!! Really....what else is there to say? I love you, stop being a &*(*$ and we can deepen our relationship.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I was surprised that you all read yearning or love or happiness in my post...I'm not sure I felt that, or maybe I did...I guess I did actually, there was relief when I went to the door and opened it instead of pretending not to be home. I feel that it was oddly brave of him to come ring the bell...or oddly manipulative. I don't really know. I'm sure he misses me and is lonely for what I have offered him in the past. I heard his voice once when he called SO...he said "I want to talk to Mom"...so clearly and firmly..he is not a clear firm kid...I know he misses me, wants my love and approval as he had as a child...that may be the hardest part. He isn't hostile or aggressive, he wants to be loved and accepted..maybe if I had loved and accepted him when he was younger and starting to seem odd he wouldn't be this way now...but now..he is a dirty begging stealer drug user/dealer.....how can I show him the loving acceptance he desires? I cannot. </p><p></p><p>But I get that a moment of shared light between us may be important for both of us.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Hahahahahah (bitter wry laugh). Oh yeah. I kinda forgot that for a bit.</p><p>I have quite severe SADD...as does his twin, as did my mom. I"m pretty clear that he becomes manic as the days get longer...so we will be in for a whirlwind of emergency room visits, psychiatric hospitalizations, and unexpected trips out of town (discovered via calls from emergency rooms in other states). So..yeah...DDD...thank you for that point! I really SHOULD enjoy this calm!</p><p></p><p>Thank you all for the hugs, the thoughts and feelings bent my way, the experience brought to bear.</p><p></p><p>Echolette</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Echolette, post: 620890, member: 17269"] This was a humbling and thought provoking series of responses. I have to say, the middle ground may be the hardest for me to feel stable on...no contact was hard but clear. Full support and attempts to control or change him was at least a fulltime distraction from the reality of who he is. The middle ground..seeing my boy as the man he is, and letting it be so without being angry, without wanting to slap him for being sooooo stupid, and still to cherish the contact...that seems right, and yet seems impossibly hard. This helped me a lot, today, Cedar. I may print it out and carry it in my purse as I have one other of yours, and one of COM's...yours was about his knowing the bare minimum, and COM's about searching in myself for the part that still wants to make him change. I used this. I sent him a facebook message. It was longer than this, much longer, perhaps more than he will read. I said I was glad to have had some contact this week. I said that we would have to wait till he lived up to his promises before he could be welcomed back into my home...and that I hoped he could see his way to that while his younger brothers still live here, while there is still a "family" to come home to. And I told him that I loved him and know that he is smart and resourceful. I read it to one of my 15 year olds..he like it a lot, and I think it made him feel better, sort of safer in his relationship with me (he feels quite safe and loved anyway, but I am sure there is some place of 'she cut difficult child out, maybe she'll cut me out too if I cross her" in their deep psyches). He (easy child 16) offered that I should have used more "I feel " and "I think" terms, as they are inarguable. Pretty sweet from a 16 hear old who has not yet had therapy (he is starting on WEdnesday, thank goodness, long overdue) Bingo!!!!!!!!!!! Really....what else is there to say? I love you, stop being a &*(*$ and we can deepen our relationship. I was surprised that you all read yearning or love or happiness in my post...I'm not sure I felt that, or maybe I did...I guess I did actually, there was relief when I went to the door and opened it instead of pretending not to be home. I feel that it was oddly brave of him to come ring the bell...or oddly manipulative. I don't really know. I'm sure he misses me and is lonely for what I have offered him in the past. I heard his voice once when he called SO...he said "I want to talk to Mom"...so clearly and firmly..he is not a clear firm kid...I know he misses me, wants my love and approval as he had as a child...that may be the hardest part. He isn't hostile or aggressive, he wants to be loved and accepted..maybe if I had loved and accepted him when he was younger and starting to seem odd he wouldn't be this way now...but now..he is a dirty begging stealer drug user/dealer.....how can I show him the loving acceptance he desires? I cannot. But I get that a moment of shared light between us may be important for both of us. Hahahahahah (bitter wry laugh). Oh yeah. I kinda forgot that for a bit. I have quite severe SADD...as does his twin, as did my mom. I"m pretty clear that he becomes manic as the days get longer...so we will be in for a whirlwind of emergency room visits, psychiatric hospitalizations, and unexpected trips out of town (discovered via calls from emergency rooms in other states). So..yeah...DDD...thank you for that point! I really SHOULD enjoy this calm! Thank you all for the hugs, the thoughts and feelings bent my way, the experience brought to bear. Echolette [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Looking for some shared wisdom as period of no contact ends
Top