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Looking for Somebody to Blame...
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 387558" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>I agree with Allan on blame. Whether it starts with the kid or with the parents, we all tend to get caught up on the blame merry-go-round. One blames, the other throws it back and says, "You want to know who to blame? Look in the mirror!"</p><p></p><p>We found that difficult child continued to use blame even after we stopped it. The problem is because there is a lag effect, and we taught our kids too well, to use blame. When difficult child 3 tries to say, "It's you fault," we keep saying, "This is not about blame. Blame does not come into this. This is about dealing with the problem in a constructive way."</p><p></p><p>You just keep saying it. In the process, you are not only refusing to accept being blamed, you are refusing to allow ANY blame being cast anywhere. It always comes back to responsibility to get the job done. And if it's not your job... then you are not responsible. Passing the physical fitness test ultimately is the individual's responsibility. If dad helps, all he can do is help. He can't do the physical work himself, and have her pass. He could get out there and run alongside her, he could get fit and healthy and fun a four minute mile, but if SHE doesn't also do this, SHE is the one who misses out because she was unable to ensure the task was completed by her. This then comes down to choices she made - lie on the couch, or go for a walk. Walking is the starting point, you have to walk before you can run. Walking will build stamina which she will need to run a mile. </p><p></p><p>Another option - her dad tells her, "We are going for a run NOW. I am not responsible for your ability or otherwise to meet the criteria. I am willing to help you get fit, but you have to do it now. You have a window of opportunity, to accept some help."</p><p>He then gets into the car and drives down the road, using the speedo to measure a mile for her. She needs to know how far she has to run. She can walk it the first few times, but once the mile has been marked out, she knows the route she has to work. SHE has to work. Her dad has done all he needs to do and she has no place to lay blame. Of course she will try, but it always has to come back to, "You have the responsibility to use what your father gave you. You chose to not use it - that's OK< it's your right to choose. But he did everything he was asked to do." </p><p></p><p>It's a fine line, but it is still a move away from blame. </p><p></p><p>The trouble is, blame has been working for her for so long, this will not stop overnight. Old successful habits can become lifelong addictions.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 387558, member: 1991"] I agree with Allan on blame. Whether it starts with the kid or with the parents, we all tend to get caught up on the blame merry-go-round. One blames, the other throws it back and says, "You want to know who to blame? Look in the mirror!" We found that difficult child continued to use blame even after we stopped it. The problem is because there is a lag effect, and we taught our kids too well, to use blame. When difficult child 3 tries to say, "It's you fault," we keep saying, "This is not about blame. Blame does not come into this. This is about dealing with the problem in a constructive way." You just keep saying it. In the process, you are not only refusing to accept being blamed, you are refusing to allow ANY blame being cast anywhere. It always comes back to responsibility to get the job done. And if it's not your job... then you are not responsible. Passing the physical fitness test ultimately is the individual's responsibility. If dad helps, all he can do is help. He can't do the physical work himself, and have her pass. He could get out there and run alongside her, he could get fit and healthy and fun a four minute mile, but if SHE doesn't also do this, SHE is the one who misses out because she was unable to ensure the task was completed by her. This then comes down to choices she made - lie on the couch, or go for a walk. Walking is the starting point, you have to walk before you can run. Walking will build stamina which she will need to run a mile. Another option - her dad tells her, "We are going for a run NOW. I am not responsible for your ability or otherwise to meet the criteria. I am willing to help you get fit, but you have to do it now. You have a window of opportunity, to accept some help." He then gets into the car and drives down the road, using the speedo to measure a mile for her. She needs to know how far she has to run. She can walk it the first few times, but once the mile has been marked out, she knows the route she has to work. SHE has to work. Her dad has done all he needs to do and she has no place to lay blame. Of course she will try, but it always has to come back to, "You have the responsibility to use what your father gave you. You chose to not use it - that's OK< it's your right to choose. But he did everything he was asked to do." It's a fine line, but it is still a move away from blame. The trouble is, blame has been working for her for so long, this will not stop overnight. Old successful habits can become lifelong addictions. Marg [/QUOTE]
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