Looking past the behavior

[flutterby]

to the source.

Something is obviously not right with easy child. I know that he's got himself dug in deep with school. He broke up with his girlfriend, a week later begged her to take him back only to end it 2 days later. I know he's confused. And I think it's about everything.

I've been so focused on the behavior and the way he's treating every one that I didn't really think about the source. I've been angry and frustrated that he's not graduating because he didn't do the work and because he lashed out at anyone who tried to help. I've been angry and frustrated at his attitude and the way he talks to me.

Tonight after work, he came home and left within 5 minutes to go to his friend's, K's, house. He came home a bit later in a huff. When I asked him why he was home - as I expected him to stay the night - he very angrily replied that there is nothing to do, that he never does anything in his life.

About 5 minutes later he left to go to his friend's, D's, house. I called him around 11pm to see where he was and what his plans were. He told me he was spending the night at K's in that, duh - you should know, tone of voice.

easy child has *always* been a homebody. He has always valued his alone time. For him to be gone this much just isn't like him.

He has a hx of depression. He's dug himself in deep and probably feels like he can't get out. I'm just speculating here, but I wonder if he feels like he can't measure up to Ashlee, his former girlfriend, because she is graduating with honors, is going to college next year, and has goals and a plan. And he'll be in high school again. I think his self-esteem is kaput. And he didn't have a ton to begin with.

I've told him that not graduating this year is not the end of the world. It's not ideal, but it's not like he doesn't get another chance.

But, he won't talk to me. When I spoke to him last night, I asked him to talk to me. I told him that I don't know what to do because I don't know what's going on with him, but that I would like to try to help. When he came over later with a friend, he was doing that over-the-top, obnoxious, I think I'm hillarious behavior. The type that screams "I'm overcompensating".

Therapy is out of the question. He is adamant about that. I guess I'll just have to shoot from the hip and be selective about my timing.

Thank God that difficult child is doing well, atm (very well, I might add). With my health, I couldn't handle them both going off the deep end at the same time.

Oh, and difficult child 2 wants to move in with me. I told him...ha ha, very funny. Although, there may be some temporary living situation going on. He's a full time job all by himself.

 

[Hound dog]

Heather, I wouldn't take on difficult child 2 at this point. You already have your hands full.

I've been thinking on this since you first brought it up.

I can't recall when easy child came down with the mono. But I'm wondering if that was the beginning. He was sick quite a while. Which of course got him into trouble with school because he missed so much work. Work, by the way, which is really hard to make up in hs simply because of all the different classes and assignments. So then, he has the school riding his back to attend, teachers riding his back to turn in assignments, you trying to do the right Mom thing and get him to school and make up his work..........So then he could've begun to feel overwhelmed because not only is there missed work to make up, he has daily classwork to do too....and I imagine it would be tough since he missed so much and probably didn't know what was going on. So then what probably happened was he began milking the mono diagnosis every now and then in order to avoid school/teachers. Which of course got him in trouble with you. By then his problems were getting so huge that avoidance seemed better than being overwhelmed.

Now he's got girlfriend getting ready to graduate without him and go off to college next fall. His friends are graduating. Which likely has him feeling like a dope, loser, and idiot, not to mention embarrassed for letting his problems bury him into a hole. He doesn't see a way out of his troubles. So he's POed at himself and everyone else within yelling distance.

Actually, when I typed it all out there it sort of makes sense, most especially from a soon to be 18 yr old male's perspective.

If you could catch him in one of his better moments, maybe you could remind him that this started with the mono and being ill. Sure, it went down hill from there, but it's not like he set out to flunk out of his senior year in hs.

IF you can get him to have a normal conversation and he would be cooperative, I'd suggest and emergency meeting with his guidance counselor. Ok. So no way he can graduate in June. So? Find out exactly what classes he must have to graduate. Can those classes be taken in summer school or even first quarter of fall? Could he miraculously savage passing any of the classes by cramming for the finals? (the less he has to make up the better)

Maybe if you can get him to see that yeah, ok, he messed up major, but a real man (might use that if you think it will work) faces up to his mistakes and does all he can to fix them.......He'll stop feeling like the whole world is ganging up on him.

Cuz see, having been a difficult child.........and having thought of what you told me this past year has been like for him......at that age.....I'd have been so mad at myself, so frustrated, that I'd have felt like everyone was ganging up on me. Whether it was the truth or not.

If he won't cooperate with the school........2nd option would be to check out the local community college for the GED test. He shouldn't need to even bother with the classes. At least then he'd have a diploma of sorts and can move forward.

This is weird. Sort of reminds me of the first few months after Nichole discovered she was pregnant. She had so completely convinced herself that she had totally messed up her future, I had to lead her back to the reality that yes she'd made a huge mistake, but her future was as bright as any other kid's just different.

You can give it a shot. But with the rip roaring attitude he's got going on right now......who knows. He may force your hand and half to figure it out the hard way.

Hugs

 

[witzend]

difficult child 2 does seem to bea adding fuel to the fire. Perhaps it is the fuel that will help get something changing at home.

Honestly, it sounds as though easy child is doing drugs. Pot could make him act like that, but others would do the same. That this is continuing is a big concern. Would you be able to find a way to get him drug tested? Either at the doctor or with a home test kit? This seems to be more than just HS graduation time fears.

 

[flutterby]

Again, he's not doing drugs. I can say that with certainty.

This is not just normal HS graduation fears because he's not graduating. He feels like he's got himself in over his head. He got overwhelmed and shut down. I think depression might be creeping back in.

 

[witzend]

If he's gone all of the time, can you be absolutely certain he's not doing drugs? Maybe I missed part of the story.

 

[flutterby]

Yes, I can be certain.