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Looks like another ruined Christmas
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<blockquote data-quote="DDD" data-source="post: 109985" data-attributes="member: 35"><p>I surely won't tell you what you should do but I will point out</p><p>some hard learned lessons. You will not be able to help on a temporary basis. A week, a month will end up years. It also will end up years of yo yo participation by the bioparents. If you and the grandchildren preplan a day at the park.."Mommy" or</p><p>"Daddy" will show up and say "come on kids we are going to the</p><p>mud races". The children WILL be so excited to see Mommy and/or</p><p>Daddy that they will light up like lightbulbs and turn to you</p><p>grinning as they say "Mama (with wonderment) we're going to get</p><p>to go with Mommy and/or Daddy today. Is that OK?"</p><p></p><p>Then your day is ruined no matter what you do so you say "OK, go</p><p>and have a good time. Dinner will be ready at 6." OR "I'm sorry but we already have plans and perhaps you can go next time</p><p>if Mommy/or/Daddy calls us first." OR "Wow, let's all get dressed for the muds and we can ALL enjoy the day together." by the way.</p><p>they will NOT be brought home for dinner at 6. They may not be brought home until 6 the next day..perhaps you'll get a call.</p><p></p><p>Point. From almost 20 years experience, there is NO way to get the bioparents out of your life and theirs. Bioparents like these do what difficult children do. THEY decide what, when and where they</p><p>might enjoy spending time with THEIR kids. Even if they do not</p><p>give one cent to support the children, even if they literally</p><p>"forget" their birthdays, even if they have no interest in their</p><p>health or education.......THEY are THE parents.</p><p></p><p>One last dour point that is especially true with the young age</p><p>of the parents.......they WILL produce more children and they</p><p>WILL make sure that the older children are psyched into the idea</p><p>of "their new baby" "their baby brother" "their baby sister".</p><p>Then.....you will, again, be fighting a losing battle to keep the</p><p>children focused on a healthy future. They will be dragged into</p><p>the chaotic world of impulsive living.</p><p></p><p>Would I call HRS to take "our" boys if I had it to do all over??</p><p>Truthfully, I wouldn't. easy child/difficult child got to stay with us from the day</p><p>he came home from the hospital. He's always been ours and we share him with his Mommy. BUT when GFGmom got pregnant with difficult child</p><p>we stuck to the preplanned/agreed upon consequences. She had to</p><p>find a place to live and raise him alone. easy child/difficult child could go spend</p><p>the night on the weekends. Somehow we had never preplanned how</p><p>we would keep our life going forward with-o her taking it backward.</p><p></p><p>We tried to monitor difficult child. We had them for dinner etc. to make sure he was connected and we knew "some" of his life. That was</p><p>a mistake because he was "sworn to secrecy" and we didn't know of</p><p>his neglect and emotional abuse by a sorry new boyfriend.</p><p></p><p>I know this is very long and I am should not even suggest what you should do for your family. I can tell you, however, the two grandchildren need to stay together and I believe they should be</p><p>in a safe home with parents who are foster/adopt parents. That</p><p>brings one major transition but eliminates the fighting and the manipulating of the bioparents to the detriment of the children.</p><p>In most cases grandparents get to continue to have contact with</p><p>the children. Mainly...the children are secure, nurtured and safe. Parents do have the opportunity to earn their kids back.</p><p></p><p>My teen grandsons say "Mama should 'we' take our little sister</p><p>into our house so she has a better life?" The answer is "no, your Grandad and I are too old and too broke to start over with a</p><p>hyper toddler." Then I encourage them to study hard and plan a future so they will be able to invite their sister to come live</p><p>in their home if she needs to in five or ten years.</p><p></p><p>It's ugly. I will include you in my prayers. Whatever you do,</p><p>just make sure you analyze all the angles. It is complicated and</p><p>your life (and their lives) will be altered forever by the choice</p><p>you make. DDD</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="DDD, post: 109985, member: 35"] I surely won't tell you what you should do but I will point out some hard learned lessons. You will not be able to help on a temporary basis. A week, a month will end up years. It also will end up years of yo yo participation by the bioparents. If you and the grandchildren preplan a day at the park.."Mommy" or "Daddy" will show up and say "come on kids we are going to the mud races". The children WILL be so excited to see Mommy and/or Daddy that they will light up like lightbulbs and turn to you grinning as they say "Mama (with wonderment) we're going to get to go with Mommy and/or Daddy today. Is that OK?" Then your day is ruined no matter what you do so you say "OK, go and have a good time. Dinner will be ready at 6." OR "I'm sorry but we already have plans and perhaps you can go next time if Mommy/or/Daddy calls us first." OR "Wow, let's all get dressed for the muds and we can ALL enjoy the day together." by the way. they will NOT be brought home for dinner at 6. They may not be brought home until 6 the next day..perhaps you'll get a call. Point. From almost 20 years experience, there is NO way to get the bioparents out of your life and theirs. Bioparents like these do what difficult children do. THEY decide what, when and where they might enjoy spending time with THEIR kids. Even if they do not give one cent to support the children, even if they literally "forget" their birthdays, even if they have no interest in their health or education.......THEY are THE parents. One last dour point that is especially true with the young age of the parents.......they WILL produce more children and they WILL make sure that the older children are psyched into the idea of "their new baby" "their baby brother" "their baby sister". Then.....you will, again, be fighting a losing battle to keep the children focused on a healthy future. They will be dragged into the chaotic world of impulsive living. Would I call HRS to take "our" boys if I had it to do all over?? Truthfully, I wouldn't. easy child/difficult child got to stay with us from the day he came home from the hospital. He's always been ours and we share him with his Mommy. BUT when GFGmom got pregnant with difficult child we stuck to the preplanned/agreed upon consequences. She had to find a place to live and raise him alone. easy child/difficult child could go spend the night on the weekends. Somehow we had never preplanned how we would keep our life going forward with-o her taking it backward. We tried to monitor difficult child. We had them for dinner etc. to make sure he was connected and we knew "some" of his life. That was a mistake because he was "sworn to secrecy" and we didn't know of his neglect and emotional abuse by a sorry new boyfriend. I know this is very long and I am should not even suggest what you should do for your family. I can tell you, however, the two grandchildren need to stay together and I believe they should be in a safe home with parents who are foster/adopt parents. That brings one major transition but eliminates the fighting and the manipulating of the bioparents to the detriment of the children. In most cases grandparents get to continue to have contact with the children. Mainly...the children are secure, nurtured and safe. Parents do have the opportunity to earn their kids back. My teen grandsons say "Mama should 'we' take our little sister into our house so she has a better life?" The answer is "no, your Grandad and I are too old and too broke to start over with a hyper toddler." Then I encourage them to study hard and plan a future so they will be able to invite their sister to come live in their home if she needs to in five or ten years. It's ugly. I will include you in my prayers. Whatever you do, just make sure you analyze all the angles. It is complicated and your life (and their lives) will be altered forever by the choice you make. DDD [/QUOTE]
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