Looks Like difficult child 2 Is Staying Where He's At

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Janna, Jan 17, 2007.

  1. Janna

    Janna New Member

    Spoke with my attorney at length today. He had some good, solid questions for me.

    1. Why didn't difficult child 2 call me for five long weeks?
    2. Why did difficult child 2 say he did not (this is a fact, my attorney heard it himself) want to come here for visits anymore?
    3. Why did difficult child 2 purposely ruin his previous foster placement with the K's, knowing they were frustrated beyond belief with him and the constant school suspensions, when he could have straightened out and stayed where he was?

    My attorney does not feel it is in the best interests of my family for difficult child 2 to come home right now. Considering his recent stunt with the K's, a/k/a crying abuse, and him also doing this to SO, that is our biggest concern.

    He feels difficult child 2 is manipulating the system and me as well to get what is going to be most accomodating for him.

    His text message to me last night: "the boyfriends bio kid is here and he's playin' around. He's really pissing me off bad, you gotta call them and tell them I wanna come home ASAP. Call them tomorrow". Since when am I his slave? He doesn't know how to use a telephone? Why am I calling? I don't think so, kid. You're 15. Act it.

    The foster mother is a single parent with a boyfriend that lives with her. The bio kid is obviously the boyfriend's - that doesn't live there.

    Additionally, difficult child 2 has gotten in trouble again in school. Which would explain why his text to me yesterday which said "ok, now I'm freakin' pissed, I wanna come home ASAP" was delivered to my phone.

    I cannot text him back. He knows this. The number he gave me does not work. So, still, I have no way to contact him. I did message him on MySpace, he logged in, but did NOT reply to me. Go figure?

    We are (supposedly) going in front of the judge to let him figure out what should be done LMAO! I'm sorry, this kills me. The judge hasn't seen any of us in over a year. He wasn't present for the last two hearings. I'm sorry, what gives him the right to make any determination at all? Because he's a judge. What a joke.

    Reunification definately doesn't sound like an option.

    Drug test came back negative. Residential Treatment Center (RTC)/boys school is now a possibility anyway. Would be long term. difficult child 2 isn't happy in his current placement. Boohoo whoa is me. I LIKED the K's. He was happy there. Yeah, they had their "issues", who doesn't? I have bags and bags of them. But he was succeeding there. They were strict. Demanded respect. Nothing wrong with that. He ruined it.

    Partially sad, partially relieved. The more I thought about this, I really do know it's not time. I love this child. I want to live with him. But I think there's a heavy possibility we will be a family with different addresses forever.

  2. PiperThree

    PiperThree New Member

    Janna, I can tell that you are so torn between doing what you know is probably the best thing for you and your family and difficult child 2 right now and the fact that you love him to pieces and just want everyone to be able to live together and get along. If it makes any difference whatsoever, I think your attorney is spot on when he says that difficult child 2 is playing with everyone and trying to manipulate the system to his own advantage. Like you said, he's 15 years old - its time to start acting like it. Demanding that YOU do something to get him out of his current foster home shouldn't be up to you - he had a good thing going on at the K's but played his over-used abuse card and got away from the consequences from stealing cigarettes instead of facing the music like a man and learning from that experience. Of course you want things to be different but with all that you have on your plate right now, something needs to bend a bit. All his game playing sounds to me like he's just trying to stir the pot and you've all been through enough crap. Where was he for those 5 weeks when you had no contact? That doesn't sound like someone who wanted to come home so bad. If he did, would he have disappeared like that? I don't mean to sound so dang negative but you know that we have such similar situations and I know how much you've done and how hard you've tried with him. I tell my husband all the time that its so much easier to detach when you never were able to attach in the first place. Now you, like my husband being the bio-parents of course are attached to your difficult child's as you should be, but these cubs flew the nest (before people like me and your SO probably had time sufficient to really attach also) and its time they lived life on their own to see just how hard it really is. They think they know everything, well, go ahead and prove it. Eventually, they will come to admit and realize they do need help and when that happens, you, SO and everyone else in their lives will be there to help them.

    If difficult child 2 has the opportunity for long term Residential Treatment Center (RTC) care, I suggest placing him. The sacrifice we do for our difficult child's now could potentially be so worth it down the road.

    ((((BIG HUGS)))) my friend :warrior: hang in there - we're here for you...


    KATES_MOM New Member

    Janna, my heart really goes out to you.
    I know as a mother you DO want your family together, but cant have it due to his behaviors. You guys have been through alot.
    He made choices in the past that has come back to bit his a*s. He will have to take the consequences to that.
    I really have learned through the years that difficult child's have to learn this way. Its the part of sitting back and letting them ruin their lives, and taking no part in it that sucks the big one. I will pray for you and him! As I always pray for everyone on this site. Being a mother to a difficult child that never seems to "get it" is frustrating, and over the years does irreversable damage. I think you are there!

    This doesnt have to mean its the end forever,
    maybe you wont be able to have a decent relationship with him until he is much older. I hope this will happen for you both. Good Luck!!!!!!
    I will be in contact soon, I am ready to meet you for lunch. It just took me awhile to get used to the idea that Kate is not here. But I have bounced out of that soo let me know when you are ready. See Ya, Kathy *
  4. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    Janna, so sorry you're feeling so down. I agree with the others and your attorney. It sounds like he's dug himself into a hole and he's not liking it. (or as a former counselor would say, "He's crapped in his own bed and is complaining about the stink") He put himself there, no one else, and he's the one that is going to have to deal with it. He'll eventually figure out that he can't keep running from his mistakes and that he'll, at some point, have to face "real life". Hopefully that will be at a point where you can have him home again but it's up to him.

    I don't really know what else to say other than I'm thinking about you and sending hugs.
  5. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Wish you weren't having to deal with all of this. I can't imagine all of the conflicting feelings you must be having. Sending some hugs your way.
  6. slsh

    slsh member since 1999


    As difficult as I know this is for you, I am breathing a sigh of relief that your atty was able to pose some thought provoking questions. Your son hasn't done a thing to show he is ready to live with his family. He and thank you share the same "anywhere but here" mentality. Things will be better, they will make better choices "anywhere but here". My standard response to that now is "show me the money". If you can do better somewhere else, you can do better where you are right now. If not, I don't want to hear it. It's *his* choice. Has nothing to do with- me anymore. I'm here to advocate when needed, oversee his treatment and schooling in very broad strokes, encourage and love him as much as he'll let me, but for now we have to continue to be families of different addresses. It's old, it's incredibly sad when you sit down and realize how *much* of our sons' lives we haven't truly been part of, just the mundane day to day stuff, but... I don't know what the alternative is.

    I still have days when I think if I were a better parent, or if thank you *really* wanted to be with- us, things would be different. But it's just not going to happen. I've done the very best that I can and as we possibly get ready to transition thank you to the next step, I can only keep reminding myself (in spite of that almost irresistable urge to bring him home) that he is not ready to live here and there's a good chance he never will.

    I'm so sorry, Janna. I will keep my fingers crossed that a consistent placement that cannot be manipulated by difficult child 2 can be found.
  7. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts


    I'm breathing a sigh of relief here. wm has the same attitude - anywhere but here. Even if he were home he'd work to manipulate the situation to his advantage or control the entire household.

    It's not easy to accept that your difficult child is in a place where he will not or cannot change.

    I will keep a good thought that a good placement can be found for difficult child 2. I would think that an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) would be the best setting for the time being.

    I expect that there is so many mixed emotions hitting you right now. I hope you can find some peace; acceptance of the situation.