Losing control

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by JLJ, Dec 19, 2011.

  1. JLJ

    JLJ New Member

    I am a single mother Who just recently returned from a year in afganistan. My 2 kids just moved back with me about a month ago. My 6 year old has had behavior problems going on almost 4 years. The last week he has been acting up at school and daycare, bad enough I had to pick him up. When we get in the car he tells me how stupid he is and he sucks. He was put him his room for acting up at school he then screams He wants to kill him self, he said it about 50 times. He said he wanted to stab himself in the heart. He already has a history of medical issues and I know he has to see a dr. I just have no control over him and I feel like I'm going to lose my mind. Any other resources available out there? Any suggestions?
     
  2. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Hi JLJ, yes there are many resources. Are you from the USA then? Welcome back!

    Can you tell us what kinds of behavior problems you have seen over the past 4 years? How was his early history, development, play with other kids, speech/language development etc.

    Is he receiving any special support at school? How is his school work? Kids who have behaviors that interfere with their school life, academically or socially, are eligible for an evaluation for special services. Your school may try to tell you, if he is doing ok academically, that he will not qualify but that is not true, so to start you write a letter asking for a complete evaluation for special needs services including ability, academic, social/emotional, behavioral and motor testing. SEnd this letter certified mail with a return receipt because this starts a mandated time clock. The district only has a certain amount of time to complete the evaluation.

    In the mean time, ask your doctor for a referral for a neuropsychological evaluation. Do not ask if they think you need one, just say you want one, you know ther is something wrong and you want to start now getting information. they may suggest going to a psychiatrist or neurologist, and that is great, but you still want the neuropsychologist because the perspective is broader. They can help do a differential diagnosis, if you go to a neuro you may get a neuro focused diagnosis and at the psychiatrist, a mood, behavioral diagnosis.... Not always, because some are really good at looking at the big picture. They may too send you to a developmental pediatrician and that can be very good too. They help figure out diagnosis in children with deveopmental and behavioral issues. The neuropsychologist testing is very comprehensive and will help you make a case for help in school.

    Many kids need support to develop skills for dealing with frustration, how to play with peers, how to be organized and to follow directions etc. These are essential school skills and are as important as academics and legally are to be included in assessment and delivery of services.

    OK, so now we have a start, but it is overwhelming.... We all know that so I am just giving you a little bit of a start but there will be many that come along. We all come from different backgrounds but we all understand the struggle trying to sort things out so take what feels right for you and the rest, just know it is offered out of care and concern.

    You have found a truly supportive group here and we are happy to have you. HUGS, Buddy
     
  3. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    HI and welcome back stateside.

    Thank you for your service - you were in my prayers always! You and your little boy.

    At six? With a history of four years of medical issues? I'm going to take a wild stab that he's seen plenty of doctors. WHY oh WHY then hasn't any of the doctors he's been seeing referred him over for further testing to find out if his behaviors are being caused by something organic or inorganic? Say for instance - metabolic, a diet change, an allergy to - OH wheat, sugar, a chemical imbalance that could possibly show up on an MRI PET scan or in blood work, or any referral to a psychiatrist for some type of medication to help him with his (what I would say) is OBVIOUS depression?

    He's six and he wants to kill himself and end his life by stabbing himself in the heart. I belive if I were you? And at one time I was - with nearly the same situation - I would have scooped him up, and RUSHED him to the closest ER and had him observed - and admitted as a "DANGER TO SELF and OTHERS." (this is the criteria for admittance to the psychiatriac hospital) and at least someone there would have gotten a good look at him and began some kinds of tests or at the very very least and observation or conversation with him, and you for recommended therapy and where to go, who to talk to - and what you need.

    I don't know your son, I don't know his history medically - so maybe it's something that makes him feel so awful he DOES feel like dying. If that's the case then medically he needs some things addressed and mentally he needs some counseling and probably observation beyond what you can do.

    In any event? You BOTH are going to need therapy. He's going to need it to learn how to cope with his feelings - all of them - mostly the angry, sad, rage - probably missin you a lot, lonely - ones......and you for having NOT had to deal with him and his issues for two years and now coming home, not having had any time to decompress from the fatigue of war and being handed a child that is absolutely POSITIVELY going to fatigue you worse than any war. It's unfortunate, and I'm sad to tell you but this is a life-long battle. There is no pill, no ONE person, no one doctor that can fix him - most what you can hope for is between all of the help - your son will find his way - and YOU will find a way with support to cope. It's a long, road - but you have a lot of support here.

    Glad you're here. Seriously - consider should he threaten suicide again - taking him directly to the ER - this is not a habit you want him to get into because eventually they use it for manipulation and if you stop it now you will be a LOT better off. You are sending a message that say - if you say this? THIS will occur. AND whose to say that it is NOT how he feels. Again - I don't think threats should be taken lightly no matter what the age.

    Hugs -
    Star
     
  4. buddy

    buddy New Member

    4 years of medical issues or behavior issues? or both?? I think I missed something.
     
  5. JLJ

    JLJ New Member

    Thank you! Yes I am back in the US.

    Around the age of 2 I started seeing he was very aggressive. By the age of 3 he started biting the teachers and throwing fits. By the age of 4 you name it is.....full blown tamturms. From peing himself purposely, hitting the teachers, biting teachers and other kids, throwing toys and completely destroying the daycare room. Between the ages of 4 and 5 he was in 6 different daycares. I then enrolled him in a theurputic school where he continued to throw these fits and was also removed from that school. I then admitted him to the psychiatric hosiptal twice within a 2 month time frame. About the age of 3-4 he did have a neuropsychologist evalution completed. At that time he was put on prozac, which did not help at all. While in the hospital he was diagonesd with ODD, severe aniexty, and intermittent explosive disorder; he is currently on depakote and clonidine.

    While at his father's for a year and a half while I was gone, he seemed to do better there. He went about 9 months of good behavior at school. Please do not say to send him back to his father because I think that is a bad idea. His father is an alcoholic and I cannot bare to send them to him again.
    Before I left I set up appts with a social worker for my Ex, his wife, and my son. My ex never went to see her because he said that my son was not misbehaving. I had serveral social workers, ones that came to my house and to the daycare to work with him.
     
  6. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Well then he has a few issues. Divorce...which even at a young age he hasn't recovered from and you have to realize that his Dad - IS his Dad and he's going to love him whether you do or not. (ugh I know this one so well, and I was married to Satan and it took my son until he was 21 to 'get it') still not sure he gets it. BUT he has divorce, and abandonment - You going off to Afghani - is in a childs mind - no greater than - so....and genetically? There is a component there. What it is - hard to tell. Time will tell. He sounds a LOT like my son at that age. My son took a scythe after the neighbor kid at 5, and a ball bat after one of our workers at age 4, and the list of black listed day cares is as long as my arm. - Im still ducked in the grocery store and it's like 18 years later - by day care workers. lol - Oh well -

    I think then - since you have medications in line - and a neuropsyche....I'd get in contact with the best danged therapist I could. I'd specifically look up one that deals with CHILDREN...and issues about Conduct disorder and really GETS these types of kids, divorce, and possibly someone that does EMDR therapy. (look it up - its not hooey - it's awesome) Maybe someone that does play therapy too and go to both.

    I'll write more when I get time - gotta go to work. I'd mostly say your son is just ANGRY as hades right now. He needs to understand his anger, know what to do with it when the rage happens, and learn to better control it - and you need to learn how to talk to him and what to say to him. Effective communication. And no - not ship him back to daddy drinko. Good job for the time you were gone or whatever - but enough yo yoing is enough. THe kid has been through enough and needs stability and roots and consistancy if he's going to begin to heal at all. That's the first step.

    Social workers too? (insert words I can not repeat)

    Hugs for your day and his ---big hugs for him.
    Star
     
  7. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I understand how difficult this is to some extent. Not the adjusting to being back in civilian life and having your kids back, but having a child who wants to die at a very young age. I very much appreciate your service and sacrifice to our country, but if you are called to serve again I hope that they can exempt you because you have a very ill child who needs his mom at home. I do know that you may not have a choice if you are called up again. We have friends who have gone through this.

    Wiz wanted to kill himself at age 7. He made credible attempts at that age and it broke my heart. I don't have a magic recipe for fixing this. It took many years, tons of therapy, going to live iwth my parents where he could have all the material things and no siblings to abuse (he was very abusive to my daughter and I most of the time and this is why I had to move him out of our home at age 14- NOT where you are headed necessarily, just what we had to do to all survive). Once he was on THREE antidepressants - strattera for adhd, luvox for depression and trazodone for sleep (a tricyclic a/d), he seemed to be able to cope and learn. It wasn't good for any of us until he got to that point.

    You will find a TON of help and support here. I URGE you to follow the link in my signature and read about Parent Reports and create one for your difficult child. It is a document with ALL, every scrap, of info about your difficult child in it. You can take it with you to all the appts and teacher meetings, and it will be your best friend to get to the bottom line of what is going on with him and what does and does not help.

    I also strongly recommend reading The Explosive Child, What Your Explosive Child is Trying to Tell You, and The Out of Sync Child. They are all very very very helpful.
     
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I think he needs to be evaluated. I prefer neuropsychs for that...they are quite intensive. However, there is a lot of stuff going on...breaks in attachment as well as just odd early behavior. You can only start in one spot and in my opinion the ole neuropsychologist is the way to begin.

    He still gets to see his father, right? He did spend a lot of time with him, whether or not Ex is a great parent or not...hang in there! We will listen to you.
     
  9. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Well, you have the neuropsychologist so you have that leg up...good. Thanks for serving. I am going to assume you are still active duty so I assume you still have some services through whichever branch you are in. If you are Army, I think they have something called the exceptional family something or other. I cant remember the exact name of it. They will help you find resources for issues such as this.

    Not sure where you are located but I would urge you to look into a a good child psychiatrist for your son plus a play therapist.
     
  10. JLJ

    JLJ New Member

    Today was a better day for my son and I. He had a good day at the daycare and I was able to set up a psychologist appts for him and I and also a social worker for him.

    Tomorrow he is unable to attend the field trip so am and saying prayer and hoping he does not have an outburst because of that. The daycare has been wonderful, they told me that he can bring in his magic set and if her manages to behave tomorrow he may be able to attend the field trip Thursday. Saying prayers for my little guy.

    I would love to hear for you all again. Thank you all for listening and providing me advice. There are so many days that I feel as if I am the only one who is dealing with this.

    Love to you all!
     
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