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Lost- I want to help my parents, but I don't know what to do....
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<blockquote data-quote="rlsnights" data-source="post: 416487" data-attributes="member: 7948"><p>I am sorry you find yourself in this position. It will be hard for you to accept that you have no power here to make your parents do what you want. And clearly they do not see things the way you do and are not going to do anything differently any time soon. I hear you fears for them and realize they may be very realistic. But you are powerless to "make" them do anything.</p><p></p><p>There have been a couple threads lately about detachment that might be helpful to you. Detachment from our kids is not that different than detachment from our parents when you come right down to it. Except that you are downstream a generation and that means that your first loyalty must be to your own nuclear family - even if that's only your husband - not your parents.</p><p></p><p>As others have said, they are not going to change until they decide to do so. And you cannot make them.</p><p></p><p>There is one caveat here. If you have evidence that your parents are in danger from your step-brother (that means direct personal knowledge because they told you or you witnessed it), that he is verbally threatening or physically intimidating them or hurting them you can contact the local police and ask them if there is anything you can do about it. You could also/instead contact the local Adult Protective Services and tell them you want to report it to them as abuse. In both cases they may refuse to take your report and investigate but at least you will have brought the situation to their attention.</p><p></p><p>As far as your parents, what you can do is tell them how you feel. I would put it in writing, not just tell them verbally. If it's in writing they can keep the letter and re-read it if they will.</p><p></p><p>Avoid telling them what to do or not do. Avoid criticism of their decisions. Just tell them how you feel and what decisions you have made to take care of yourself and husband. You could say that you feel sad/afraid for yourself and them/worried that your step-brother may go from stealing from them to physically hurting them and that scares you. Give voice to whatever you fear in a calm concerned way. They are adults and have the right and responsibility to make their own decisions. Even when you don't agree with those decisions, in my opinion as adult children we have to detach from our parents and respect that boundary.</p><p></p><p>You could tell them you have decided to attend meetings for people who are co-dependent or have a family member who is addicted to alcohol or drugs. You can invite them to come with you.</p><p></p><p>And that's about it. And I would definitely look for and go to those meetings yourself and periodically invite them to go with you.</p><p></p><p>In time there will be a such a big crisis that these decisions may be taken out of their hands by the courts or, when they get elderly, by adult protective services. Those agencies have the power to punish your step-brother and to reduce his ability to prey on your parents. But right now your parents are capable of defending themselves from him if they choose to do so - and that is not the choice they are making.</p><p></p><p>Hugs and keep us posted. You are welcome here.</p><p></p><p>Patricia</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="rlsnights, post: 416487, member: 7948"] I am sorry you find yourself in this position. It will be hard for you to accept that you have no power here to make your parents do what you want. And clearly they do not see things the way you do and are not going to do anything differently any time soon. I hear you fears for them and realize they may be very realistic. But you are powerless to "make" them do anything. There have been a couple threads lately about detachment that might be helpful to you. Detachment from our kids is not that different than detachment from our parents when you come right down to it. Except that you are downstream a generation and that means that your first loyalty must be to your own nuclear family - even if that's only your husband - not your parents. As others have said, they are not going to change until they decide to do so. And you cannot make them. There is one caveat here. If you have evidence that your parents are in danger from your step-brother (that means direct personal knowledge because they told you or you witnessed it), that he is verbally threatening or physically intimidating them or hurting them you can contact the local police and ask them if there is anything you can do about it. You could also/instead contact the local Adult Protective Services and tell them you want to report it to them as abuse. In both cases they may refuse to take your report and investigate but at least you will have brought the situation to their attention. As far as your parents, what you can do is tell them how you feel. I would put it in writing, not just tell them verbally. If it's in writing they can keep the letter and re-read it if they will. Avoid telling them what to do or not do. Avoid criticism of their decisions. Just tell them how you feel and what decisions you have made to take care of yourself and husband. You could say that you feel sad/afraid for yourself and them/worried that your step-brother may go from stealing from them to physically hurting them and that scares you. Give voice to whatever you fear in a calm concerned way. They are adults and have the right and responsibility to make their own decisions. Even when you don't agree with those decisions, in my opinion as adult children we have to detach from our parents and respect that boundary. You could tell them you have decided to attend meetings for people who are co-dependent or have a family member who is addicted to alcohol or drugs. You can invite them to come with you. And that's about it. And I would definitely look for and go to those meetings yourself and periodically invite them to go with you. In time there will be a such a big crisis that these decisions may be taken out of their hands by the courts or, when they get elderly, by adult protective services. Those agencies have the power to punish your step-brother and to reduce his ability to prey on your parents. But right now your parents are capable of defending themselves from him if they choose to do so - and that is not the choice they are making. Hugs and keep us posted. You are welcome here. Patricia [/QUOTE]
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Lost- I want to help my parents, but I don't know what to do....
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