blackgnat

Active Member
Guys, kinda tired now, but I am absolutely OVERWHELMED at the love, support, care, common sense and practical advice offered to me since I have been posting on this thread.

I have spent the whole day on the verge of tears (very hard when you work full time!) wondering about what is happening to my son in court. Might be still in jail (okay, I agree with him being punished for being violent to another human being....) but SO afraid that he is being transferred to a prison....Haven't heard a word .

Nevertheless, I can NEVER express my gratitude to any and everyone who posted and gave their invaluable input into my situation. Your collective empathy and advice-whether you felt it might be against the grain or not!- is something that genuinely brought me to tears.... thank you unto infinity!


I will keep you all posted...
 

busywend

Well-Known Member
It is my opinion that your best possible parenting move is to NOT let him come home. That is the only parenting move I see.

So, do not think of it as abandoning him. Think of it as parenting him in the best possible way. Parenting is hard. For many reasons. This type of parenting being one of the very hardest. But, necessary for sure. It is not about him living on the street for a few months. It is the long term goal of him learning that he can not treat you (or anybody) this way. It may not stick until he is 30, but believe me he will thank you some day.
 

blackgnat

Active Member
ANother update-I talked to te states' attorney on Wednesday and she said there was obviously a mental poroblem tat had to be addressed. they didn't know if he was competent to stand trial. I felt that this was a bit over the top but she said they would keep him until Monday and then have a psychiatrist evaluate him. SHe said she didn't feel it would help him to just keep him in jail and then do exactly the same as before he went in. Tey were going to try and find him a halfway house or residential rehab and address multiple problems. I almost cried with relief-finally someone understands and wants to help! She said she'd talked at length with the Public Defender and he agreed. There was hope!

That evening I get a call saying he had been RELEASED! I would not let him come home. He called the following morning and I said I would pick him up after my work-we are outside Chicago in subfreezing temps and he has no money and no warm clothes when he was arrested. THe was freezing when I picked him up and adn't eaten in 36 hours. He had spent the night in the Casino bathrooms trying to get some sleep when they kicked him out. I brought him home with the full intention of finding a sober ouse. I called the Public Defenders' office and asked what had happened to all the evaluation/rehab plans and he said the county doesn't really have those facilities. I asked if they'd given him a list of where to look and he said no, my son would have to find those himself.

My son was is quite good spirits about the future, how he was going to stay off the alcohol for ever because it was landing him in the places he didn't want to be and that was going to be his future unless he wised up. He woke up this morning and took some xanax for anxiety and said he would spend the say looking for residential rehabs. I get home from work. The house smells like weed. He is crumpled up in an almost comatose type of ball. I go upstairs and there's a half bottle of rum on his bedroom floor. My younger son said that 2 guys from craiglist came over, almost one after the other, who I imagine provided the drugs and alcohol. There's a blizzard outside-snowed all day and subzero temps.

Part of his probation is to return to court on Feb 9th and prove that he is in a halfway house, has had a drug and alcohol evaluation and needs a psychiatrist letter. He is allowed to contact me but not to have any contact with the residence. So he's on my couch, wasted after prostituting himself for booze and weed. It hasn't even been 24 hours until he came home.

Sorry this is so long. I'm almost not in shock. Normally I feel like there's a rock in my guts because I know the weekend is gonna suck. I really feel at the point when I'm done. It has taken so long.....but nothing has changed. SO do I see if there's gonna be a reall effort this time, like he promised me only yesterday?

Or do I call the cops/public defender and say he's been out of jail 24 hours and has already violated the conditions of his court supervision??

Thanks for all and anyone who got through this and has the patience with this ridiculous saga to give me some advice....even though you have already done so much for me! I was truly expecting to come home from work through this horrendous snowstorm and have a peaceful weekend.
 

buddy

New Member
How old is the younger son? I can't believe he had to see that. I am so sorry. He needs to leave in my humble opinion but I do not live it and you do. Very sad.
 

Elsieshaye

Member
You've already seen whether there was going to be a real effort this time - there isn't.

And, you have another kid in the house to protect.

I really think you need to call the cops. Sending you lots of support, whatever you decide to do.
 

blackgnat

Active Member
Thanks for asking. Not doing well-older son still here, started drinking with friends on Monday and has been drunk since. Wants me to take him to hospital tomorrow because he needs medications to detox.

I have made a committment to stop drinking-it's not helping anything (no duh!) and I'm in bad physical shape from it. Older son is asleep on the couch, but wakes up periodically to curse and moan. I'm going to bed soon and tomorrow will be seeing my therapist after work.

Younger son is soldiering on.

My house is going into foreclosure-sheriffs sale on 2/22 and I have to find somewhere to live. Cannot live with Oldest. Got a great offer from a work colleauge who has an apartment, but he only wants me, not my sons.

Would really like to take the apartment but feel I'm now abandoning younger son. So messed up with my attitudes towards my kids. Younger is 21, working part time but not enough to afford his own place.

When does it get to be about what I want and how to live out the rest of my life? Is it selfish to want that? I'm so done with the mothering but I'm really the only one who can change things to how I want them, right?

Again, sorry for rambling but am processing as I type.
 

CrazyinVA

Well-Known Member
Staff member
I'm so sorry you have to deal with a foreclosure and a move on top of all this. However, it sounds like this might be just the catalyst you need to get your oldest son out of your household once and for all. Perhaps your younger son has friends he could stay with?

There is nothing selfish at all at wanting your own life once your kids are grown. It's the way it should be. You hit the nail on the head:

.....but I'm really the only one who can change things to how I want them, right?

It's your turn. You've earned it. And your sobriety may depend on it as well.
 
N

Nomad

Guest
Your son is in his twenties, has been to jail and is a young adult.
Time for him to take charge of his own life and of course, you need to do the same.

Are you going to AA? That takes priority, but you might want to go to Al Anon as well.
Read all the detachment literature you can get ahold of. It's super hard, but super necessary to step aside from your son's issues and work on your own. If for no other reason, you will set a good example for your son if you take good care of yourself and get sober. First requirement: shake your emotion out of this. Hard, but totally necessary.

Some other thoughts: Not sure what it means exactly that he is not to have any contact with "the residence." I'm wondering if that means your home....???? Just saw your other post re: him coming to your house and it smelling like weed, etc. I hope you can make that the LAST time this happens. Do not let him back to your house and if he comes back, get him OUT. Change the locks (if he has a key). If he gets in and refuses to leave, call the police. If you smell pot, automatically call the police...don't even think about it.

What a blessing for you that you have such a caring sister. If you two get along and you feel she has a good head on her shoulders and your best interest at heart, then I would double check things with her and rely on her advice when you aren't sure of yourself.

Considering reading some or all of this link:
Developing Detachment | LIVESTRONG.COM
 
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blackgnat

Active Member
COuld I have some input into my current dilemma?

As I said in an earlier post, I will have to leave my house in the near future as it is in foreclosure and the sheriff's sale is on 2/22. I MIGHT have a grace period of 60-75 days after that if nobody buys it, during which I can keep living in it.

I really am not factoring my older difficult child into the picture-he is still at my house and calling rehabs (so he says) and trying to get a drug and alcohol evaluation for his next court date on 2/9. I'm currently adopting the attitude that it's in the hands of the courts more thanit is in mine. AND in HIS hands! But I don't know how strong I'll be if things don't pan out and he is expecting to be moving out with me. It is clear to both of us that we need to be apart from each other, so that 's a start.

My problem now lies with my younger son-he will be 21 in March, is a "good " boy, works part time and intends to go to school. He is independent and self-starting. He has a bit of money saved, but not enough to support himself. He would be no problem to live with, just the two of us.

I got an offer from a colleague who has a two bedroom apartment on the second floor of his house. The rental price is right, he isn't going to check my credit score, I can pay the security deposit in increments. I can get my stuff out of storage and put it in the second bedroom, which will save me money. This is a stark contrast to the places we have looked at which want me to pay for both of us to have a credit check done (after which they might reject me anyway and I won't get that money back) and their higher rents don't usually include all the utilities.

The problem is my colleague only wants one person. I have told my son that I want to live by myself (though I felt TERRIBLE saying this-it took a lot of courage for me to say the words) and this is such a good deal. He understands and sees this as a good opportunity to cut the cord and start life on his own (even typing that makes me feels so guilty!) but he told me today that he can't see anything suitable, after searching on the internet for places. I told him I would contribute money to his rent and groceries until he gets more hours. Then he said he doesn't want to be too far from work (he works in a grocery store part time) and gave a couple of reasons why his going alone wouldn't be practical, like the distance from work-he has a car so I don't see why that is a problem-and he read a review of the only affordable one and the tenants said the apartments were cockroach infested.

I kind of feel manipulated at this point. If I could find something for him, I would probably be paying as much for 2 separate places as I would for a place for us together. But I feel that I want to start out fresh and would be paying for my freedom, in a sense. Would it be worth it? I think so.

How do I solve this? Am I being unreasonable in wanting this freedom? I have gone through SO much with my difficult child and want to cut the cord. But my younger one is the one I'd be able to live with...I think he feels he's being punished and that makes me feel selfish. I feel like I'm abandoning him and I'm not sure that doesn't see it that way, too. I don't know if he's making excuses because he doesn't want to be alone. I just keep feeling that I can't handle this-I have no idea of the outcome for my older difficult child and now the younger one is going to guilt me into doing something I don't want to do. My colleague wants an answer by Wednesday and the pressure is KILLING me.

Any advice?
 

recoveringenabler

Well-Known Member
Staff member
Hi! What a pickle. I don't really have any profound words of wisdom, I just wanted you to know that I read your post and I feel for you. Our kids sure put us in these hard spots sometimes. I heard you say that you want to "live by yourself." Maybe you already made the decision, and now you are going through all the guilt and the usual feelings that accompany new choices we make for ourselves. It's a hard choice to let go. And, I don't think it's unreasonable for you to want this freedom. I think it may be time. That is up to you. No one can "guilt' you into doing something you don't want to do, unless you allow that. I do know how difficult that can be though. It sure sounds to me like you know exactly what you want. In any case, now that you've posted your dilemma here, there is likely going to be some wisdom and ideas coming your way from all the other warrior parents out there. Hugs and blessings to you as you go through this. We are all there with you.
 

recoveringenabler

Well-Known Member
Staff member
Wondering how you are and what you decided to do?
Hope you found some peace in whatever you decided.
Thinking of you.............
 
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