Lost relationship with my daughter

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Ronajean, Sep 8, 2015.

  1. Ronajean

    Ronajean New Member

    I hope I'm doing this right , I'm new here and I'm depressed over my daughter. She is 27 and has two children. She has been dating , now living with a married man who is soon to be divorced. She just isn't my child anymore since she's been with him. She's disrespectful , hates when I ask her anything about the kids and Never calls me only text. I cry a lot and she pretty much doesn't want anything to do with me because I don't like her boyfriend. We use to b close but I'm losing her. I don't like him cause he has left her before and cheated on her. But now they share a house together and she says they are getting married. I'm so depressed.
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I have learned to keep my mouth shut tight about my adult kids significant others and to get along with them, whether I liked them or not. It is often a dealbreaker with our kids if we talk smack about whom they love, even if we feel we have a good point. In fact I am agreeable and accepting of their adult choices. You have good reason not to like him, but right now telling your daughter wont help her and is hurting you.

    Adult children usually like validation and praise insted of our opinions. I learned this from my angel of a mother in law. Unless my grown kids ask for my opinion, if I cant think of anything nice to say, I dont say it. I cant always refrain myself in all aspects of life lol but I do with my children.

    Maybr mellow out on the boyfriend. You picked your partners, good or bad, and now its your daughters turn. Especially regarding grandchildren it is best to be on good terms with the father. Sometimes you cant but you can try.

    Unless so is beating your daughter or the kids, I would stop bashing your daughters boyfriend. He will either shape up or your daughter will figure out on her own that he is a creep.

    I know its hard to bite our tongues. We are mothers. But our grown children are adults too and may prefer your role turn in supportive best friend rather than advisor.

    This is jmo. I hope I did not offend you as I did not mean to. Also we are just other parents so take what you like and leave the rest.
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  3. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Welcome Ronajean,

    I'm sorry you are going through this difficult time with your daughter.

    One thing I have learned about our adult children is the more you try to tell them what they are doing or how they are living isn't in line with how you think they should be living, they will build a wall so fast it will make your head spin.

    Your daughter is an adult, her choices are just that, hers.

    I would suggest that you do not express your true feelings about her new boyfriend as that will just make the wall she has built around her stronger. If she is sharing your true feelings with the boyfriend he will only encourage her to distance herself from you.

    You don't have to try and be best friends with the new boyfriend but I would suggest being civil.

    If down the road your daughter decides for herself that he's not the great guy she thought he was you will want to be there for her and if that does happen I would be refrain from any type of "I told you so"

    It is best to allow our adult children to make their own mistakes no matter how much we cringe watching it happen as we have no control over their choices.

    ((HUGS)) to you.....................................
  4. Ronajean

    Ronajean New Member

    Thanks so much both of y'all... I'm trying to take it one day at a time and at best I tolerate him right now just to see my grand kids. ( he isn't the father) thank god. They already have plans to move an hour away and I'm so sad as I know this will affect my time with my grand kids. I just hate who she has become as a person since she got involved with him. His character is bad I really feel like he has a lot to do with why she treats me badly now.
  5. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Hi, RJ

    Welcome to the forum.

    As hard as it is, we sometimes have to just let go of our adult children and let them live their lives as they see fit, even if it is not healthy.

    I hope you will stay with us and continue posting. It really helps.

  6. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    This very well could be and all the reason more not to add fuel to that fire.
    You might consider telling her how much you will miss her and the kids being so close and that you wish her, the kids and the boyfriend all the best.
    I know it will be hard to choke those words out but by doing this, and making more positive statements about the boyfriend the less ammunition that can be used against you.