We ALL (not just our difficult children) deserve miracles. And while we pray diligently for our difficult children, it doesn't benefit them for us to go down with them. In fact, I believe it hurts them. First, if and when they decide to change their lives, the better we are (physically, emotionally, mentally, etc.) the more we can help them. Second, when I was watching Rehab with Dr. Drew last week, a mother started sobbing. Her son didn't get more aware of the damage his choices did -- he got less aware. He mentally numbed out and physically left. I know we all ache inside for what our kids have done to themselves, to us and to other loved ones. But, until that moment, I never really got what showing our pain did to them. In early recovery, it is likely more than they can bare. Couple that with their intense desire not to feel their emotions and difficult children are likely to chose anything over watching our pain. Now, I'm not saying we should fake it or hide consequences from them forever. I'm saying I believe exposing them to the intense damage they have done should be an evolutionary process. They know a lot of the story. In fact, they may even be more aware of the pain they caused us as we don't know the full extent of their actions. I'm healing my pain myself. By journaling - by attending meetings - by praying and mediating - by talking to a lot of wonderful fellow survivors along the way. I don't hold difficult child responsible for healing me. He has enough on his plate to heal himself. Paradoxically, difficult child seems upset, even hurt, when he sees me go on with my life these days. He makes comments like, "A lot of things have changed around here," (meaning the house) and talks about my "well-scheduled" life. I believe he sees my changes and they unnerve him. That wasn't my intention. I'm just living my life. He is welcome in it but - only if he displays appropriate behavior. His father (my ex-husband) always made me feel like he would never, ever leave me - no matter what I did. While devotion is an admirable thing - blindness isn't. I believe we all need boundaries on our behavior - both self-imposed and imposed by others. I lost respect for him. So, it is reasonable to think that my son would lose respect for me if I was there for him no matter his choices. It's a teachable moment for him, to see that no matter the depth of love for someone else, that the love you have for yourself means certain behaviors aren't acceptable. I wish all of you must love, healing and respect. ------------------------------------------------ Comes the Dawn Author: Veronica A. Shoffstall After a while you learn the subtle difference Between holding a hand and chaining a soul, And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning And company doesn't mean security, And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts And presents aren't promises, And you begin to accept your defeats With your head up and your eyes open With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child, And you learn to build all your roads on today, Because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans, And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight. After a while you learn That even sunshine burns if you get too much. So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. And you learn that you really can endure... That you really are strong, And you really do have worth. And you learn and learn... With every goodbye you learn.