Lovely, I get to be the bad guy again.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Hound dog, Jan 2, 2007.

  1. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I'm just soooooo looking forward to it. NOT!

    easy child works full time 3rd shift an hour out of town. These are 12 hr days. Some weeks she can work 4 instead of just 3 days. Darrin spends Mon thru Fri in daycare regardless of when easy child works since she has to pay for the whole week anyway. I have to watch him overnight and during the day when her husband works the same nights. (they both work 3rd- he has 10 shifts)

    easy child started this job in sept. I told her then that if I wouldn't have time enough to study that someone else would have to watch Darrin. My school comes first.

    This isn't being mean. I watched Darrin from birth til last June til easy child grad from nursing school. And now for the past 6 mos while she's worked. I've waited 23 yrs to go back to college.

    It was hard watching him last quarter, but somehow I managed. Although some days I wanted to just pound my head thru a wall. This quarter I am pulling 20 credit hours of all required subjects. That's 8 more than last quarter. I just sat down and worked out my daily schedule. I put it off because there were 2 classes I was waited listed for and now I've been accepted.

    No way can I watch Darrin this quarter. I'm going to be spending all free time studying and on homework. IF I'm lucky, that will average out to 4 hrs a day. And I have to hope that will be enough cuz last quarter there were days I was at it a full 8 hours.

    So now I get to be the bad guy and tell easy child she has to find someone else asap. I can just imagine her reaction.

    She hates her job. And thru lots of talks has finally realized as a young mother 3rd shift is just not going to work for her. But still...... I'm dreading it. And I know she's going to do all she can to try to get me to hold out til she can find another job. But school starts next week.

    I keep telling myself that this is her child, her responsibility. I've already gone above and beyond the call of duty. So why am I feeling guilty and crummy?? I mean, she ought to count her blessings. I don't know that I'll be able to watch Aubrey while N gets her college education. At this point I can't even make her the same offer I made to easy child.

    Sorry, don't know if I'm venting, whining, or looking for reassurance. :hammer:
     
  2. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Lisa...

    I can understand your dilemma completely and its not a pleasant one because you naturally want to help. I have some ideas but they may not be applicable.

    Could N watch Darrin until easy child finds a new job or a new sitter? How about a combo of N and T. If little boy is there on the 3rd shift wouldnt he be sleeping for most of that time? Maybe N could handle that in exchange for a small payment.

    Yes, the child would still be in your home but N has more child care experience now and she might look at it as a challenge and give her experience in mothering a toddler.

    Other than that, maybe ask her in laws for ideas.

    I hope you can find a solution that works for everyone.
     
  3. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Well, I bit the bullet and told her.

    Went okay I guess, except now I feel like a big heel. :frown:

    Janet, I made the in law suggestion. Problem is, other grandma never offers to watch Darrin and will come up with any excuse not to. And Darrin can't sleep over there cuz it traumatizes the heck out of the poor lil guy. (he is a mess for days after just 1 night)

    N doesn't want to do it. She was my helper last quarter, without her I couldn't have managed at all. And N has her own school work, too. Plus Darrin refuses to listen to someone who looks 12 yrs old and like a kid herself. Not to mention the constant distraction of just having a 3 yr old running around. N, baby, and her b/f are plenty of distraction and noise as it is.

    easy child is going to ask in laws. Ought to be intersting. She is supposed to call work and see if maybe they have something on day shift. Highly doubtful. Basically she told me I just screwed her over. :frown:
     
  4. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Well this bites!

    Maybe easy child can find a local woman who does overnite sitting. I know how hard that will be.
     
  5. janebrain

    janebrain New Member

    Hi Lisa,
    just wanted to tell you I don't think you are a heel but sure understand your feelings. You did tell her when you began babysitting that you would not be able to do it if it interferes with your education and now that is the situation. You have done what you can--20 credit hours is a lot--no way you could watch a 3 yr old and do the amount of work and studying that you need to do. I just want to tell you I don't think you have a reason to feel guilty about your decision! I am sorry your dtr is responding in a way that makes you feel bad--I hate that!
    Thinking of you,
    Jane
     
  6. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Lisa, it's time that they took responsibility for child care for their child. I know it's easy for me to say but it really is true. My hat is off to you for protecting your right to an education. I'm sure you made all kinds of sacrifices for your kids when you raised them. I haven't seen anywhere that it's expected that grandparents make those same sacrifices for their grandchildren when there are two able-bodied parents.

    I hope she can get moved to day shift. Fingers crossed.

    Suz
     
  7. judi

    judi Active Member

    Okay, I'm a nurse too and there might be other options: have her move to another unit for day shift, go to weekend option, do prn instead of full-time, change venues: go to long term care temp while Darrin is little, job -share, share daycare with another nurse who works opposite your daughter.

    good luck.
     
  8. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Thanks guys for the support. Although it may take me a bit longer to stop feeling crummy. lol

    Judi, I'll mention those options to her. I've mentioned a few others, but she wasn't really interested. (like home healthcare and such)

    Unfortunately easy child is getting a lousy lesson in being a working Mom with little kids. I just wish the college could've let me know sooner that I wasn't wait listed anymore. The young Moms at work told her they had to do part time 8 hr shifts to manage when they had little ones. I hate it, but this is the reason I tried to talk her out of this shift even before she looked for work. It's an awful shift to begin with, and with her husband on the same shift with similar hours it just makes it horrible.
     
  9. AngelsRus

    AngelsRus New Member

    I am so proud of you for standing up for yourself and your education. I am still trying to navigate the assertiveness for my own needs and you are a role model. Please don't feel bad. You have the right to your own happiness and one thing I am learning on this board is that it doesn't make you a bad mother or a heel to not let someone take advantage of you or block your road to success with their problems.

    I think it is awesome that you are back in school. I went back when NG was a baby and my husband took care of the kids. I know the study time you are talking about and I can't imagine trying to do it with your beautiful grandson there.

    Keep up the good work and realize you have the right to this time. You waited until you took care of everyone else. Now take care of yourself. I am sure there is nother solution for the baby. It is also great that you are such a caring mom/grandmom. They are both really lucky to have you.

    Hugs and Prayers,

    Angels R Us
    :smile:
     
  10. Coookie

    Coookie Active Member

    Lisa,

    Hugs my friend.. :frown:

    Sure hope you have stopped kicking yourself by now.. :wildone:

    We are entitled to a life too... :biggrin: Whatever that may be...school...work...PEACE... :biggrin:

    I hope your easy child can get this worked out for herself, you have always been there for her and her little one and you deserve to be there for yourself now!!!!!!!!!!

    (Just a little pep talk I am using on myself now too.. :biggrin:)

    More Hugs..
     
  11. KFld

    KFld New Member

    Of course you are feeling guilty, you are a mother!!
    You waited long enough and gave up so much to help her out for this long, now it's your turn. Don't back down!!! You deserve to do this for yourself.
     
  12. Irishkalleene

    Irishkalleene riding the roller coaster

    Good for you. We are entitled to fullfill our plans. There HAS to be a time when we are no longer 'required' to help them out all the time. At the last Alanon Parent Meeting (parents with older kids) I went to we talked about our feelings. Sometimes we guilt ourselves more than any other person might.

    The umbilical cord is physically cut at birth. When they are adults WE have to cut or sometimes 'manually' disconnect the imaginary cord which ALLOWS THEM AND US TO GROW. I struggle with this all the time, but I really liked that phrasing.

    It's a matter of "seeing things/perspective." Flip the sentiment and see what positive thoughts you can change your feelings to. Instead of feeling gulity for not watching grandkid.......... Praise yourself for having done it and helping them out. Walk around saying 'I'm a super parent & grand parent cause I helped my kid grow." RX: Repeat often.

    Instead of thinking I get to be the bad guy, could you change it to 'here we grow again? or move over challenges here we come!! Alot of it can be in our perspective.
    Instead of flipping them the bird (teehee :redface:) flip the sentiment :cool: instead.

    Now each of you can spread your wings!!! :smile:

    Happy studying!!
     
  13. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I'm not feeling so crummy or guilty about it anymore. Now I'm starting to get POed.

    easy child put in a application at a hospital close by yesterday - 2nd and 3rd shifts. She interviewed today. It was the ER position she originally wanted when she got out of school but had turned down cuz she was offered more money elsewhere. Interview went well.
    And she has an interview for University hospital tomorrow. (days)

    I ask her who is going to watch Darrin from 5pm til 11 pm (2nd shift is 11am-11pm)? Trying to get her to see the job really wasn't much different than the one she has now as far as sitters are concerned. She replies she'll have an easier time getting a sitter to watch him til 11pm or so than all night.

    I shut up and let it ly, while thinking not me kiddo.

    Somehow we wound up talking about my school schedule. easy child kept saying that 20 credit hours was nothing. She did it for the RN program every quarter. And that she did it with a 1 yr old. :mad:

    I shot back with, well yeah I did it right out of high school too without any problem. But I've been out of school for 25 yrs, had a skull fracture with brain damage. And bit my tongue before adding and he's not my child !

    Then she said well maybe N wouldn't mind watching Darrin at her house. Then he wouldn't be here. I said maybe she won't. And either her phone died or she hung up on me. That was hours ago.

    N said she'd do the 2nd shift if easy child pays her, but can't/won't watch Darrin all night at easy child's cuz of the baby.

    I have a feeling I know what easy child is doing. Nothing. That way she thinks she can force me into watching Darrin cuz she still doesn't have a sitter. Bit of passive aggressiveness going on there I think. (same way she got me to watch Darrin for this job in the first place) But I'm not going to. I gave her my notice.
     
  14. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    [ QUOTE ]
    N said she'd do the 2nd shift if easy child pays her, but can't/won't watch Darrin all night at easy child's cuz of the baby.

    [/ QUOTE ]

    Now just sit back and let them work it out... :wink:

    [ QUOTE ]
    easy child kept saying that 20 credit hours was nothing. She did it for the RN program every quarter. And that she did it with a 1 yr old.

    [/ QUOTE ]

    Isn't it incredible?
     
  15. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Witz

    I intend to let them work it out. Infact, I just told husband she is in for a rude awakening if she brings me Darrin to watch come Mon night when she works.

    Yeah. Incredible. I wonder how she managed. :rofl:
     
  16. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    Well she just expected you to watch him. She should be thankful for all you have done so far. She is ungrateful.You should feel good about what you have done to help her. You have done alot. Don't accept any unkind hurtful, remarks- and if you do hear that, walk away and tell yourself you made the right decision. She is the mother, you will do all you can to help her.- But not everything! And not at the expense of your own life.-Alyssa
     
  17. KFld

    KFld New Member

    Good for you. Stick to your guns!!!! I love the the advice you got to flip around the way you think about it and say look what I did for all that time for my child, instead of feeling guilty for what you can't do now.
    I give you so much credit for going to school and continuing your dream. Don't let anything or anybody stand in your way.

    You go girl!!!!!!!!!
     
Loading...