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<blockquote data-quote="Andy" data-source="post: 372875" data-attributes="member: 5096"><p>First we understand why we are so attached. Actually, that one is easy - We love our kids but it goes deeper than that - we feel responsible for the life we brought into the world. We feel it is our responsibility that this person is taken care of and becomes a productive adult who provides a good life for themselves.</p><p> </p><p>So, as they grow, we do our best to provide the tools our kids need to become the self sufficient adults. easy child's take those tools and proudly enter adulthood. difficult children don't understand those tools or choose not to use them. It is those difficult child's who choose not to use the tools that we get the most upset with. They don't want to take on the responisibility of becoming an adult, they want someone to look after them their entire life and those who have gone through this know that is unhealthy for ALL involved (difficult child, parents, siblings, ect).</p><p> </p><p>So, detachment becomes a much longer process for difficult children. Once you have determined that your difficult child can stand on his/her own and can earn a living even though minimum you have to point those abilities out. You have to come right out and tell them in so many words that "difficult child, you are an adult. You can make decisions and take care of yourself. That is what adults do. In order to be your own person, you must take on the responsibility of being an adult. You get to decide what type of work you want to do, what housing you want that is within your income, what you buy for groceries, ect. ect. ect. You CAN do this. I will be available to give input but I can not support you financially or you will never know what you are capable of doing."</p><p> </p><p>So:</p><p>1. Determine that your difficult child is an adult who can live on their own</p><p>2. Show/Tell your difficult child that he/she can make a life of his/her own. Will take lots of reminders.</p><p>3. Step back and let that life happen </p><p>4. Refrain from setting too high an expectation for your difficult child. He/She has to set those goals. As long as he/she is making a living, that is all you can hope for even though they may not have the higher paying job you wish they would go for to make life a little easier.</p><p>5. Know that once they are an adult, your job is done. You are not responsible for the type of life they choose for themselves. No matter what people may say, your child's life is not a reflection on your parenting skills. Some of the best parents have kids who choose not to follow the path or pick up the tools their parents worked hard to lay out for them.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Andy, post: 372875, member: 5096"] First we understand why we are so attached. Actually, that one is easy - We love our kids but it goes deeper than that - we feel responsible for the life we brought into the world. We feel it is our responsibility that this person is taken care of and becomes a productive adult who provides a good life for themselves. So, as they grow, we do our best to provide the tools our kids need to become the self sufficient adults. easy child's take those tools and proudly enter adulthood. difficult children don't understand those tools or choose not to use them. It is those difficult child's who choose not to use the tools that we get the most upset with. They don't want to take on the responisibility of becoming an adult, they want someone to look after them their entire life and those who have gone through this know that is unhealthy for ALL involved (difficult child, parents, siblings, ect). So, detachment becomes a much longer process for difficult children. Once you have determined that your difficult child can stand on his/her own and can earn a living even though minimum you have to point those abilities out. You have to come right out and tell them in so many words that "difficult child, you are an adult. You can make decisions and take care of yourself. That is what adults do. In order to be your own person, you must take on the responsibility of being an adult. You get to decide what type of work you want to do, what housing you want that is within your income, what you buy for groceries, ect. ect. ect. You CAN do this. I will be available to give input but I can not support you financially or you will never know what you are capable of doing." So: 1. Determine that your difficult child is an adult who can live on their own 2. Show/Tell your difficult child that he/she can make a life of his/her own. Will take lots of reminders. 3. Step back and let that life happen 4. Refrain from setting too high an expectation for your difficult child. He/She has to set those goals. As long as he/she is making a living, that is all you can hope for even though they may not have the higher paying job you wish they would go for to make life a little easier. 5. Know that once they are an adult, your job is done. You are not responsible for the type of life they choose for themselves. No matter what people may say, your child's life is not a reflection on your parenting skills. Some of the best parents have kids who choose not to follow the path or pick up the tools their parents worked hard to lay out for them. [/QUOTE]
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