Well, things seem to be swirling faster than I can keep up with them. The appeal was apparently a very unrealistic situation. Matt's counselor at his camp thinks that we should not wait on the appeal, because he thinks it is really unlikely. Plus we should not wait until he is actually 18 because we will have less legal power to move him. He thinks he should be moved now, before anymore of his roots sink into this placement. I have hired an educational consultant, to assist in finding the best placement for M. He flies out to meet M Friday on Utah, and then back to Dallas to meet with me next week. I will have to gather and collect all of M's testing from the last 17 years by next week - I hope I can get it all together, because some of it over the years has been misplaced. Once this guy has gathered all of this data he will give me his best opinions on placement for M. There are many over 18 placements nowadays, and it should not be a problem to find a good fit for him. Of course he could run from anywhere since he is legally "18", but he will be very far away from me, with no money, and no ID, and therefore the incentive is huge in this scenario for him to stay put and work the program. However, I am really worried about his emotional state during all of this. I have every worst fear scenario running through my head - and that is not good. I do not want him to become emotional unstable to the point of hurting himself or someone else, or try to run while all of this is happening. I am also really worried about myself. I am just not so Steely anymore. I feel my mind is scattering and fragmenting every day. Like I said in my last post, it is not so much about detaching from difficult child, it is more the day in and day out stress of all of these dramas from the last 6 months wreaking havoc on my nervous system. I feel like I am walking around in a permanent PTSD state. Every bell, sound, movement, motion triggers a reaction. And then there is work, where nothing ever seems to go right, even when I think it is, it isn't. I still need to find a new company, but that is impossible to cope with right now. I have this new dr and of course my counselor I am working with. But others can only do so much. Just thought I would update you. I never, ever thought my life would ever get this bad. I just wonder what on earth god has put me on this earth for - it feels like I am simply his voo doo doll at this point. I know that is not true. I know there is some reason. And that Matt has a reason too. It is just finding them.