Made it through the holidays anyway!

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by sooooo tired, Dec 28, 2015.

  1. sooooo tired

    sooooo tired soooootired

    Well I havent been on here for awhile and things arent awful but not good either. My Difficult Child has herself signed up for school in January, which is a good thing I guess, but she is already doubting herself and making herself a nervous wreck about it. So she did go to a counselor/Dr. and she did genetic testing on her and then put her on 20 mg of lithium and 20mg had a panic attack and called me saying she couldnt breath, so I went over and tried to calm her down. She did settle down after a few minutes but I cant help but think it is one of the medications. She says it is because she hates her boyfriend so bad. He is a total idiot!!!! He works but does nothing for my daughter. He got a bonus from work and went out and bought everyone christmas presents, bought my grandson like 200.00 in gifts which he did not need,gave everyone gift cards, and gave my daughter absolutely nothing! Meanwhile they are 2 months behind on rent dont have any internet or cable and are behind in other utilities as well. I know she wants away from him and I dont blame her....but I do not want her living with me under any circumstances. I want to be positive about her going to school, but it is hard for me to believe she will follow through. She is taking courses for graphic design and I dont really know how much of a demand there is foe that and if she will even get a job i she does finish it. I get so exhausted listening to her go on and on about how much she hates her boyfriend and her life
  2. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    It hurts us to worry about our children, and to know they are not happy. And most of all, it hurts us to know how they think. It helped me to learn words to say that were truthful and positive, but that did not feed into the child's (the adult child's) victim mindset. I do not want to save my children. I want them to save themselves and am determined to become the kind of mother who requires that of her children.

    It is almost impossibly hard for me to do this. I slip all the time, because I do love them and sometimes, they say and do the rottenest things and blame other people when they are the ones living the lives they've chosen.

    At the bottom of my posts there is a link to a really great site on how to speak, on what words to use, when we are speaking to our adult kids about a variety of subjects.

    Let me see if I can put it in the body of this post for you.

    Nope. It doesn't show up until I have posted. So, beneath my signature will be a link to a posting by a Dr. McCoy. That is the one, So Sad.

    It helped me very much to have those words.

    It is very, very hard to know how to parent our troubled adult kids.

    I remember you, and I am glad to know you posted to us again.

    You are correct in refusing to allow your child to move home. In my opinion, you are.

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  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry you are hurting for your daughter, as we all do. But remember she is choosing her boyfriend. She chose him for a reason and she is staying for a reason. Unless she is physically disabled or cognitively disabled there is no reason she can't work and leave him, using community services and government services while she does, to take care of the kids. In most states, you can get Medicaid for minor children and depending on income some sort of help buying food, maybe even housing assistance although I do know there are long waiting lists for that. And you do have to follow rules when you live there (or anywhere). You can't be caught using drugs, if that is an issue. Although boyfriend treats her badly, she does not feel it is bad enough that she is getting her own life together that she can leave. This is on her, not him. And, no, I also don't believe she should live with you. You matter, and she would cause too much stress

    If I were you, I would go low contact with your daughter and not talk to her much and if she gets abusive, I would set a boundary, although she won't like it:

    "Daughter, I deserve respect and if you are not respectful when we speak, I am going to gently hang up/stop texting/detach from your abusive words until you feel better." Then do it. You don't have to listen. It's a choice.She can go to a therapist to vent. There are mental health services that are free/sliding scale. You can tell her about that and even find out the phone number and give it to her, but you are not trained to deal with her and a therapist is.

    I would not worry about her chosen profession, if she even follows through. Number one is getting healthy or she will not be able to hold ANY skilled job, especially if she uses drugs or drinks a lot and the employer drug tests. Right now just cashiering or working at fast food is an improvement and will probably make her feel empowered. If she wants cable, which is not a necessity, if she works, she can pay for it.

    I hope you understand that YOU are important, as important as she is, and be kind to yourself. We are all pulling for you. We are holding your hand.
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  4. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Hi ST, well your post has some good positives in that your daughter is seeing a Dr. and has enrolled in school. They are baby steps but steps in the right direction. I wouldn't worry so much about whether she is successful with the career choice at this point, just gently encourage her that she has what it takes to get through school. Hopefully she will stop doubting herself and will gain some self confidence which is what she will need in order to get out the relationship with the boyfriend.
    Stay strong and keep your boundaries firm. I'm glad you made it through the holidays!! Here's to a New Year that you can make into something wonderful.
  5. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hi soootired, glad to hear from you, but sorry it has been stressful for you. My eldest is 36, and on a crazy path of homelessness, so I know the angst of it....

    This is good, me too, simply can not and will not happen. Too, much drama and craziness......

    It is hard not to get caught up in our d cs life decisions, they are our kids, we love them, want the best for them. Mine comes over every once in a blue moon, last two times, complete opposite, first time in 3 months-depressed and down,(sent me into a tailspin, but I hung on and didn't let her back home) second time a week or so later, high as a kite and chatting on about her life as a homeless person....gulp. It never ceases to amaze me, how emotionally tied I am, and how absolutely wrecked I become. So, I have figured that I have physically detached, not so successfully emotionally....but I am working on it.
    Well I think that Cedars link will help you. You do not have to be her sounding board, especially if she chooses to stay with her SO, and the conversation drains you. Change the subject. If she persists, let her know you love her, but she needs to speak with a therapist, it is too hard and heartbreaking for you to listen to anymore.
    Keep conversations simple, and try not to get sucked in to the drama (I am writing to myself as well ;))
    K.I.S.S. theory (Keep It Simple Sweetie)

    Take care dear, and live your life to the fullest.

    Our girls are well beyond their child years, and we have done our rearing.....
  6. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    ST we are most of us in some version of your situation.

    I am learning to set limits for my son. If in a phone call he goes on and on about something that hurts me or I feel hurts him, I tell him I do not want to hear it. I tell him in each subsequent conversation until he gets it. I cut the calls short if he does not hear my request and talks excessively about something that troubles me.

    I tell him briefly why I have set the limit. Something like: "It hurts me to hear that...when there are solutions. If you want to talk about solutions, I will talk about it. But it hurts me to hear you suffer unnecessarily."

    I will also not hear him out about his conspiracy theories.

    In the recent calls he has not spoken about his conspiracy theories and he has shown some perspective about one of his issues. He spoke with humor about it, which is a way of gaining distance. The first step to mastery.

    I believe we do not help them by indulging them.

    A couple of things in my house turned up missing. Things he had asked me if he could have, and I said no. I am thinking about, when he next asks to come home for a visit, telling him no and specifically citing that things have disappeared. And because of all of the things that have happened while he was here, I do not want him to come home until there is the sense that there is respect. For me and for my home.

    How could I have not realized this? To allow my son to mistreat me, even if it is part of his mental illness, is never the right thing. He has to learn, like everybody else to control himself in the ways that he affects or acts on other people. I am another person. I owe him, and myself, to tell him the truth. To insist upon a limit.

    I think that we have so much trouble, continue to have so much trouble, because we thing some of what they go through is our fault.

    They are the ones that have to work their lives out. Not us.

  7. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    I think these things come on subtly at first, or is it the shock of it? Things have gone missing from my house as well, to the point, when Rain is over, I do not trust her in areas of my home. It is a bad feeling. I do not know how to even address it, because it is always denied, anyways?
    I agree wholeheartedly Copa, that we owe it to ourselves, and our children to set boundaries and let them know by doing so, they need to show restraint and respect.
    So very true and, also. We do not have to be their unwilling, captive audience, in the details of their lives.
    It is all a part of restructuring relationship patterns and responses. Untangling the tangled web, being a loving, caring parent, not an unwitting participant in the drama, it is hurtful to know of their escapades, over and over again.
    This takes some skill and work, for me at least.....still working on emotional detachment, setting boundaries on myself, and how far my emotions get mixed up in the drama and reality my two are living. It is not easy, that is for sure, it takes practice......I like this quote....

    Thank you Copa and soooootired.